My First Time

We found a nice spot and pulled over to the side of the road. I was nervous, my palms sweating, and I was gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. My heart was racing and I didn't know what to say or do. I had never imagined being in this situation before and I had certainly not planned for it that night. Like many things in life, without prior planning or thought it just sort of happened.

I began to collect my thoughts and I realized that at least it was a dark stretch of road and that there seemed to be no one out driving around at this hour. What if someone I knew drove by and saw me? What would they think? To make matters worse I was ushered out of the vehicle in a hurry. Right here?! Right on the side of the road?! You've got to be kidding me!!

At this point, I wasn't sure if I was having fun any more. All the jokes and laughter over the course of the night seemed to dwindle away as I realized I was going to need to focus on the next ten or fifteen minutes like I had never focused on anything in my life before. I urged myself to stay calm and collective. I knew that my nervous actions must have given away my fear immediately. Fear is a bad thing in situations like this. It gives it all away - especially to an older woman.

As she guided me by the arm to the side of the road I realized that my pulse must have been thunderously loud. Like something out of Poe's A Telltale Heart my guilty conscience emerged to the surface. After tonight, everything would change. I would no longer be the same man I thought I was once before. The surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins helped calm me and stimulate me at the same time. I became aware.

As the process started I kept hearing a polite urging to try harder, harder, harder. I was giving it my best shot and I was running out of breath. Finally, I was spent. She urged me to try one more time and I thought I was going to die. I gave her this look as if she had just asked me to punch my grandmother. There was no possible way I could do it again. It was too much effort and my nerves were making my stomach curdle up as if I had just eaten a healthy dose of cholera.

She looked me in the eye and asked me if I was OK. I nodded my head calmly. I was still worried about people I know passing by. I was worried what would happen if my parent's found out, and above all what the careless events of this night would ultimately lead to. I told her that all I wanted to do was go home. She looked at me and urged me to try once again. I succeeded this time around and I saw a wry grin appear on her face. She had me. She was locked in.

Then, out of nowhere, she asked me to perform some other ridiculously embarassing tasks. Things like reciting the alphabet backwards, touching my finger to my nose, and walking in a straight line. It was at that point that I realized I was going to jail for the night. I was about to be charged with driving under the influence.


You people have a bunch of dirty minds, you know that?