I think I can,a tender universe,Russian families

Well I made it through the day but have spent the afternoon crying,begging to a deaf God to please let me have one night of real rest,that my body,eyes,mind can't take another night of no deep sleep,it's been three months of it and before that years of it.I can't bear it anymore.When I wake it's like I never went to sleep,every night for months,my body feels like it never fell into a slumber,it's as if my eyes were open.It takes everything in me to do things,then faced once again not being able to go to the loo.I spoke to my mother in desperation what did she say; don't be so negative was all she had to say.Often I dream I am adopted,that my real family is Russian,often it feels that way and I cannot wait to be reunited with them who understand.I thought to try being in that hopeful light then,be positive things will certainly turn around,I thought I'd create a vision board again on Pinterest of things I longed for in life to keep me up and away,I even watched Lavendaire as silly as I think "lifestyles" are.But trying to make my vision board,trying to remember and think any of it with this brain damage was a trying task,my mind just seems unable to place things and my eyes were stinging from bad sleep that I couldn't stare at the screen.So there I ended up in tears and once again felt some relief in saying to myself death is so much kinder than all this.But I do vow to keep hoping,to add to that vision board if I can because what is lost by hoping,you can really only gain by believing the universe can be tender toward you again.