back to the samo

After a week in Oregon, I was disheartened to find that when we got back home, the world hadn't righted itself. While in Oregon, I was called by Mountainview and hammered with questions of why Mom's guardianship wasn't done, and when they were going to get paid. I explained that I was trying to get the loose ends of the divorce finished, been in hospital, and doing the best I could. Now they want to apply for guardianship, and I was left even more confused by the convo. After telling Rachel what they said, and her talking to Aunt Karen, the next day I was scolded by Karen on the phone, saying that I should have never said I would do the guardianship for Mom if I wasn't going to do it, and I should have just told them in the beginning. This was hurtful, and left me feeling like I had failed yet another task. I just can't seem to organize my thoughts or my tasks. I am so overwhelmed and my ridiculous emotions are all over the place. Mostly I am just on the brink of, just finishing, or crying almost every waking hour of the day. I feel like I am sliding off a steep mountain to my death, and instead of ropes being tossed my way, the world is throwing boulders on top of me. I am so sick of Matt's bs he is constantly giving me, just to say or do the polar opposite right after, and I don't understand what is the payoff for him. I am so hurt and angry about his home purchase, and can't stand that JC will now live part time, (all if he was allowed)in what will now be the home of Brittany and Matt's family. So now my son is not only away from me, he is going to live the part of his life that I am not with him, in a place I will never even be welcome to see him in. I am devestated and really don't see how Matt can pretend he is clueless on why any of this non stop show of him doing everything I asked of him with someone that he says he doesn't even want to be with and has caused so much bull**** and pain along with him to what family I had, in the place I call home, acting as if 21 years was nothing to waste mourning over, having a new child and taking mine from me, treating me like some nuisance he wishes would just let him decide when to talk to and not supporting any type of co parenting as JC continues to spiral into porn, lying, isolation, etc, but still he is just confounded that I am struggling to be skipping down the road of life. I still have not told Nikki that her freeloading times are done, and I am also still not having any real vision of my future. I simply feel like any type of death for me would be a mercy killing. I was never a resentful angry bitter jealous person, and right now, I just want to scream, cry, give up, break the face that stole my life, grab my kid, and run far away. I'm so tired. I'm so scared for the future, I'm so worried about Matthew and what damage he is doing to his body, and I feel like rock bottom will be fast and hard when I hit.