(In Reply to Thread): At wits end with my 20 year old!

It's easy for me to say...I'm not a parent...but I really have to fall back to how my dad handled it w/me in the 1980s.

I was not a troubled kid, but independent. I had few if any friends end of high school and back then the thing to do for responsible upper middle class kids was go to college, best one possible in-fact. So I did, 140 miles away, and life got better AWAY from the parents. I cannot keep a straight face and suggest I was truly "independent" until starting 19, when I needed much less parentel financial support. A bit past 20 I cut the strings, though my dad gifted me some tuition until I graduated just past 22, the 4 1/2 year college plan for Bachelor of Science.

My dad and I barely got along, but we did more-or-less understand one another and he was clear that when I was out, I was staying out. He was into tough love, but it was love, not cruelty. He was great at riding that fine line as a father, it's tough to do. We got along great after I split and seldom came back, ditto with my mom. That's just how I was, not into being held down to dealing with people, then or certainly not now. There is a cost to that, to being independent, which I pay after day with-gusto.

I had plans, reaonable ambition, tolerable grades, and prospects when 17-22. My parents were proud enough, and definitely that I had work pretty much lined up out of school. I didn't have to struggle with High School diploma, GED, or similar. I won't ask the "why" but will ask if it is possible to exercise some tough love, the hardest thing you'll probably have to do in life: "you're leaving, here's when, we'll help in (this, that) way, then that's it. Be pleased with the opportunity to succeed, son, as that's how life goes for the duration: believe it!" Then introduce him to a trade. Without knowing all the details, I suspect ambitious kids like that go on to be tradesmen, primarily. Electrical, plumbing, roofing, 101 others that require common sense, ability to work hard, and dealing with customers if not formal education per se.

My father would have, and did, kick my (rear) up and down the hall the few times I smarted off like described. My mom didn't spare the back of her hand either for some smart-### kid. So, I wised up, and learned diplomacy. Not sure why that didn't happen in this case, but that bridge is crossed. We're about the same age, and that's what parents did back in the day. I have no problem with it, and notice my 49 y.o. best friend raised his kids the same way. They're fine young people now, respectful without being timid at (about) 19 and 21 these days. Neither is a loser. Your kid hopefully does not want to be a loser, either.

I remember my mom calling me a "bum" a few times, which oddly enough was motivational in a negative sort of way. Huh, go figure? Wish she'd lived long enough to see me graduate from Cornell (grad school), though my dad did and I am certain it was quite a bit of vindication / satisfaction for values he'd instilled.