so hurt

I will never understand how half our lives end in this kind of way. Today you called and asked over and over for me to meet you for lunch, just as you did yesterday. You said you wanted to start something new and had texted me about getting your apt approved, and hoped I would visit you there. saying you want to be alone for awhile and finish this divorce so all your resentment can be buried, but then you thought maybe there would be a new future for us together. It was all your fake nice talk to get me to bend to your will again. I know this bedause when I didn't come to lunch, your questions and orders on what i need to do and what you and I will be doing started. You didn't come to our son's parent teacher conference. You apologize for your choices that you admit are wrong, yet then you completely change that story and just shoot the meanest things at me. I am so hurt by all you think of me and how you treat all who love you I think I have a lawyer now, and I hate that I have to protect myself from you, the man that was supposed to protect me. My world is falling apart at the very core. I can't even stand the thought of not seeing Jc every day. I get sick to my stomach when I hear you defend another girl, while telling me how horrible I am. I get weak and queasy when the image of you kissing and holding her, or even being nice to her while putting me down to her. I want to understand how and why this is what it is. I don't know why you hate me with such passion. I have to take the only lawyer that I could find, and that meant I had to show my bruises and cuts from the night of our last fight. I dont want to. I hate this, and will not seek anything more than the law requires. You would be happy to see me with much less, I know because you say so yourself. You want me to live with our son on my days in an environment that is unhealthy and unsafe for him. You get angry at the mention of this to you. HE IS SO HURT BY YOU, AND I AM SO SO ****ING SCARED FOR HIM. He can't tell you things, and you won't stop hurting him. She or anyone isn't worth this He's only with us, as a child, for six more short years. Why did you do this now to him? What do you say you know you haven't put him first, but continue to not? Why do you hide from your feelings? Where is your heart Matt? It clearly has never been with me, BUT HE IS OUR CHILD AND HE DESERVES BETTER. YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE FOR ANYONE ANYMORE. However you say you love us, and you only care for her, BUT SHE ISN'T BEING TREATED AS YOUR OWN FAMILY IS. I wish you believed me and stoped trying to punish me till the end of all. I will not let you see me cry anymore, well I'll try not to, but I cry every single day, every night, and for hours. All while you continue to manipulate me to do exactly and only exactly what you want. Including telling me to be nice to your dad?? I didn't even talk to him, just got the text from him that was meant for Lori, but first thing, you tell me to be nice to him. Where is your nice? Where is the nice I have given to your whole family for two decades??? Why is it ok for nobody to be nice to me? I also see today that I am now blocked on your facebook.. It's all that cut and dry for you. One minute ask me to lunch, constantly wanting sex info from me or to have sex with me, then I'm blocked. DELETED from your life and treated like a parasite that you can't get rid of. TREATING ME KIND TO ONLY GET WHAT YOU WANT is lying. God help me, I don't want to go to court with you against you. I don't want to fight ever. I hate fighting!! I hate arguing, you love it you have told me so mnay times, as well as it seems physically difficult for you to not argue. Well, one of the big issues across the board today with Jcs teachers, was that he argues and argues and argues. He blurts out whatever he wants whenever he wants disripting the entire class. Remember when I told you he was bragging to someone about how muh you like to argue? How you push and push and force your voice to be heard over all others? That is wehere he is with this, and lying, and smart mouthing non-stop. This is a learned behavour, and staying up this late isn't gonna work me tonight. I gotta go to bed. My eyes hurt so bad. ilu, and I will never get over your treatment of me, really never get over it for Jodi and Jacobey And you going against your principals in the worst kind of way.