This blog is an open detailing of my recovery from an intense emotional affair. It has been said that in order to recover from an affair, whether physical or not, one must not be afraid to write down feelings. By being open with my feelings and not hiding them anymore, I am making a effort to hold myself accountable for my affair. This is an ongoing recovery and I have no clue how it will play out. But I need to share, to process what I've done, and to learn how to forgive myself.
Crossed That Line
So OG and I had a long and much needed talk. I was terrified that it would result in a complete cessation to our communication. But I needed to apologize to him and let him know I recognized my behavior towards him has been inappropriate. And I knew I was going to cry. He has never heard me cry and I was worried he would be uncomfortable and shut down. My husband shuts down when I cry and he often gets angry because my crying frustrates him.
OG was incredible. He said I didn't have anything to apologize for and that I wasn't the sole perpetrator of impropriety. I still feel like I was more aggressive and less inhibited. I recognize that I was using him for attention, excitement, and validation. I lost sight of his humanity and fantasized about him instead of facing the reality of both our situations. I know he thinks he hurt me, but I hurt myself. He really didn't do anything wrong. He tried to keep us from crossing the line, but I encouraged the inappropriate conversation and role playing.
He said if I needed to cut contact I could. He said he personally needed to cut back, especially on our phone calls. His feelings for me are more than what a married man should feel for another woman, and mine are more than what a married woman should feel for another man.
We both still want to be friends, we still want to be able to drop a message or text but we both know we need to keep each other from crossing the line ever again as long as we are both still spoken for. Our connection is too important to muddle it with overtly sexual foolishness. Plus I really need to continue to put my primary focus on improving my relationship with my husband. I can't expect to ever be happy if I'm pining for an unattainable fantasy. I have to work at making my husband my fantasy, no matter how incredible I think being with OG might be.
OG was incredible. He said I didn't have anything to apologize for and that I wasn't the sole perpetrator of impropriety. I still feel like I was more aggressive and less inhibited. I recognize that I was using him for attention, excitement, and validation. I lost sight of his humanity and fantasized about him instead of facing the reality of both our situations. I know he thinks he hurt me, but I hurt myself. He really didn't do anything wrong. He tried to keep us from crossing the line, but I encouraged the inappropriate conversation and role playing.
He said if I needed to cut contact I could. He said he personally needed to cut back, especially on our phone calls. His feelings for me are more than what a married man should feel for another woman, and mine are more than what a married woman should feel for another man.
We both still want to be friends, we still want to be able to drop a message or text but we both know we need to keep each other from crossing the line ever again as long as we are both still spoken for. Our connection is too important to muddle it with overtly sexual foolishness. Plus I really need to continue to put my primary focus on improving my relationship with my husband. I can't expect to ever be happy if I'm pining for an unattainable fantasy. I have to work at making my husband my fantasy, no matter how incredible I think being with OG might be.
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