life is short enjoy it stop missing it

to many times we dont really take time to see touch or enjoy life

me every sec must be enjoyed and appreciated

because i worked security and lead alarm investigator 4 years

was going to be a cop but got hit by a drunk

you know the first time i learned was a train accident a mom tried to race the train with her kid in the car

thats when you learn life a crying dying kid in your arms and ems backs of and shakes there head

a min or so later you feel death steel them from you

i saw to much of this and worse i could make you barf with just typing not words

last rights holding hands kids and feeling them slip away

you start to loose all emotions and grow cold you still help and care but your inside is grown cold

lead alarm investigator

o the fun stories seeing a K9 eat pot at a factory after we searched the K9 officer asked can i do some training

i had the factory locked i said go ahead

he let it of the leash said something and the bloody dog came after all of us i had to grab a female cop and yank her onto the hood of my company's jimmy where i was

so hers the pic everyone on top of the cars dogs circling us all officer screaming commands 3 min later finally got iy behaved

you know good times like that and more the times they spent on and off duty with me and showing me most everything i even got to drive a sheriffs squad

i got that baby over 100 sheriff was like holy **** slow down lmao

i got put in the mace training shed and they yelled and and to get me out i was sitting on the bench enjoying myself

i have adhd martial arts etc i pass out smiling

so mace punches to my face etc didnt do much im not lying or exaggerating this was and is my life

i have a jaw that for 3 years after working had to be put back in pace allot i dont know if never being knocked out is good now that im older because all that young superman abuse has come to get it payment

but back to the subject i had keys to over half the city i worked in and i would radio my base and say page me the phone number for this house ( o **** i just aged myself pagers home phones ooops)

they would send that alarm code to the pager

so i would open and always had to go in with them

thats another life lesson when you see a officer a friend all over your uniform

and instead of shock you have to suck it up and take control or try to of the situation

i lost two friends i went to 2 remembrance ceremony

it knocks the crap out of you that 20 something is gone in minutes replaced with age

i had to mace a five year old who got dads gun and shot the cop i was with a domestic panic we dont go in on them be we monitor in case it goes south and it did real bad my friends down one i knew really well(shot in knee survived with a limp kids have bad aim)

you know and on top of him being shot you have to mace a 5 year old inflict pain on a child

i maced the crap emptied my can on the parents a cuffed them

i carried 3 pairs of cuffs a 9 nightstick radio scanner pager and flashlight

omg i weighed myself once i had close to 40 pounds on me you know how hard to get in the jimmy get comfortable and pull the crap out yer ass

it builds up to where you dont feel or notice it as surprising as that sounds some say it is a pain some dont adjust

and dont run crap that crap bounces i had hip bruises living at home mom always said what someone beat your ass again

the domestic seeing men beating the hell out of women the stress

the slime the monsters of society

it becomes a tar you cant wash away

it stains you you have to shut down so it dont eat and destroy you

i have nightmares and flashbacks to this day

the death the everything you cant get it back out or keep it down i see that kid to this bloody day

then my life as a kid 2 penicillin reactions told a 3rd would kill me

couple other time meds tried as a kid

then my middle 20s lost count of times woke and went to er and the test and say how are you alive with that much in you or the er itself screws up

finally last year my doctor gave methadone for the sever pain im always in a 10 is a good day for me

he gave me to high a dose thought i could handle it

whole day ok went to be black no light no dreams

they said my vitals were so low if wife had not found it iw would have been dead in a hour half hour somewhere around there

i go from black to bright ER with what feels like ice going through ivs shaking 4 blankets still cold shaking

they should have kept me for half the day or so but after a hour i got discharged

i valued and saw life different since security

but that made every sec important everything shines new you see what you missed and always over looked enjoy the little things

and most of all stop living to get peoples approval or liking me

way to short for that

but also the dark side my health the hell i live in pain there is no number for pain so horrible

i broke my hand at my last job and worked the whole day till boss caught me at lunch

no not brag it made my body pain go low and feel good

at the docs they wanted to sedate to set it i said no just do it wow the grinding feeling the noise and a nurse passing out

i went right back to work driving a stick dump with that hand and a handle to release bed the guy with me sent me to the boss when it got blue ended up in sling off work then fired

was that awesome strong whatever

no stupidity now i have bad arthritis and my pinky works bends but is out of sync it dont bend with the other fingers look like a prissy when i drink with that hand

now i am paying more than full cost of what ive done how i lived my stupid careless im untouchable because of my tolerance

dumb attitude

then add 3 current very bad and nasty accidents to all that mix and that gives you a living hell where at times you sin and ask why the hell couldn't you take me those 5 or more times why do you toy and always bring me back

i try hard not to think destructive like that but it cant be buried or shut up

i have a counselor trying to fix my past and what cant be unseen or forgotten the demons that come for you in the dark they still do even after 5 years of working with her

i still dont know or understand emotions

like blank paper anger normal they got me to cry for the first time in i dont know how long

i hate it i dont understand it or know how to deal with it

my mother in law just died i cried was upset but it over for me shut off her her family still emotions feelings i dont have and cant feel or understand so i just stand by her and support her

you learn fast the mind can feel 100 or more from all the crap

so life forums most everything but my wife and cat i dont really care or try like i used to

i used to hide try to be a person i was not but that everyone else excepted

not anymore i am who i am right or wrong one real world friend i wrote a long email letting rip all i had held back whoops there goes a friend

well me ex wife was a **** she had her boyfriend beat me with a steal bar with 4 friends so i couldn't fight back he even young i wasn't no what you see on tv

ones beating your ass 4 standing around waiting for if you try to fight back

well we divorced my friend from high school that long of a friend sometime later admits she offered to suck his supposedly he said no right you screwed around on his wife 2 times so far he said he just kissed her

well that laid the seed his brother in law used i thought brother in law his in law was a friend nope a year or more of toying testing

then planted in my head you know him he probably screwed your ex

well long short there went the last two

but i learned my current 11 year wife has stuck through the really bad through the getting disabled and possibly worse down the road

you see whats important her my cat my music

would i like forums to like me i would and anyone would be lying if they said no

but do i let it eat or bother me anymore no im past that stage

just like life i dont run around pweeze be my friend or go out of my way to meet or try

yea its kinda lonely but in a sick way you get used to and like it

you sign up with forums just to see how long before they flame the crap out of you inability to post to forums high standards

you know people are lazy lack honer balls and ability to look close and read a time or two

have some respect and big balls and ask pm whatever

so hey i ignore report and so funny i got banned from one your pressing report post to much banned

your upsetting the forum huh i just posted normal ban

and so on i used to make the biggest fight and war because i would be lying if i said it no longer a sore spot to always being hated just because i have communication disability's or writing email post all net skills

but i can finally say im in control i am who i am like me or not i like me my wife and cat like me so the rest must be the mentally challenged

i really think im normal others in life how they or lover or face etc looks glamor everything has to be perfect or they ignore you

that and more dont bother me i see real the heart the kindness love or lack of

if you cant see the inside the real people and get past the outside theres something wrong with you and you will never know how much your missing living on the outside

this ties to my above

because i saw the worst i fought death my side and your side
i felt deaths cold grip rip lives from me i felt it trying to take me many times

petty stuff and views are gone now its shinny like those hippy pics

it just shines animals nature life the small things death and counseling have tought me real life how to live a life that matters

to enjoy every sec and a sec missed is unbearable pain

it has tought me a thing called radical acceptance can you change it live with it or leave it

well i can leave life i can leave forums but a part i can shut off wants communication

but accept that my life is a path to be walked alone to accept the evil and jackasses people are and i cant change it

so mostly i sit 8 hours of music till she comes home

i look back and focus on the positive called my parents told them i forgive them for the short comings being raised and thanked them for all they did and there love

partially because my sister was tearing my mom down

and the rest just trying to let the past go

that rap song monster

{0I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath}

i find that fitting and says it all

there always there but yo can make peace and find peace its just a long rough road