Broken bindings

My wife left me at the end of October. She felt very stressed, that she couldn't do anything right. That life wasn't getting any easier. She had felt like this for years and accepted that she needed to make a tough decision for her and her son, and move on.

I don't blame her for making a choice to pursue a better quality of life. I think when a person gives up that desire, they become poisonous to themselves and those around them. I never imagined I could be the guy who had a wife that felt that way. So all in all, I guess it works out for the best.

Even with my open minded perspective, I am so bitter. So angry right now. I "invested" so much energy into patience, and understanding. Taking her level of happiness as such a driver in the survival of our relationship. My own fears and insecurity drove me to accept and allow so much disrespect in return.

I feel that there were some very pivotal moments in the beginning of our relationship where I did not make her feel that she, as a new bride, and her needs were exclusive to me.
I could never even tell her that I would have done it differently if I could go back in time. That played very heavy on her own insecurities. There were extenuating circumstances, and I hate that she could never learn to forgive me for those mistakes. It set a tone for how much trust the two of us were now going to "invest".

I want to make a concerted effort not to use this blog to bash her as I express these feelings and emotions. I feel that we are all very human animals. We evolve as individuals through our own experiences, the experiences of those we come in contact with, our environment, and the adversity we face. It is ever changing. Often, we have to work to change it.

With this understanding, I think unconditional love has an opportunity to thrive.
I think it is a fair assumption that everyone would like to be loved unconditionally. When you choose to marry someone, you owe them that. You need to marry into the idea, that this is what this very special person deserves by you.

I helped perpetuate the end by trying to drive this point home to someone who wasn't capable of understanding the concept. It further created a wedge, giving her the power to settle into a mind set she could never live up to my over inflated standards. Ironic I think.

Even with this insight. This knowledge and acceptance that if I couldn't convince her to ever move forward in our relationship, we were destined to fail. I still feel an intense amount of bitterness. Of being cheated from the opportunity to have that for years. I can only assume that I allowed myself to push those feelings far enough away when I felt I had someone to loose. Now that she is gone, those feelings are kind of like loose papers blowing around in my head. Hard to catch and collect. Organize, sort, file, colate. HAHAHA

I feel I cannot move forward with the next chapter of my life until I figure out a way to close this one. I am hoping this medium may help me do that.