Victory declared in the war on poverty!

In a stunning announcement, President Obama and House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, stated that due to a new bi-partisan compromise between the White House and Congress, many of the poor have finally begun to surrender to Homeland Security and Social Security administrators in all 50 states. A major offensive by Homeland Security is also said to be instrumental in defeating the low income forces.

Some hold-outs are still fighting on, however. In New York City’s Central Park, around a 100 homeless people have banded together to throw rocks and empty Pagan Pink Ripple bottles at social service workers who have been trying to round up this particular group for almost a week.

In Minnesota, 187 low income elderly who had been attempting to live on small social security pensions, massed on the steps of the state capital in Greed City. These old reprobates hailed walkers, canes, and false teeth down on State Legislators who were attempting to enter the building for a vote on a bill which will make poverty illegal in the State of Minnesota.

Approximately 200 disabled New Mexicans who had been living beneath the radar on SSI are believed responsible for New Mexico’s upsurge of guerilla activity. Tourists in Santa Fe have reported being subjected to barrages of small, wooden “Santos” and numerous chile ristas thrown by people in wheelchairs and on power scooters. The gimpy banditos then hobble off down Santa Fe’s winding back streets and disappear. The ATF continues to investigate, but strong resistance in New Mexico’s largely poor and Hispanic mountain communities is expected to continue.
Meanwhile, in a surprising announcement, Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderón Hinojosa, has offered political asylum to any of America’s poor who can manage to sneak past Homeland Security and cross the border into Mexico. Hinojosa commented, “For years the US has taken in our poor. In these troubled times, it’s the least we can do to return the favor. Besides, here in Mexico, EVERYONE is poor. These poverty stricken gringos will fit right in.”

Republican John Boehner has dismissed Mexico’s offer, saying that the poor will just sneak back across the border along with everyone else, disguising themselves as leaders of Columbian drug cartels to avoid detection. Boehner favors rounding up the poor into Katrina type camps and confiscating their Medicaid and SNAP cards, as well as cancelling any housing vouchers they may have. He has also introduced a bill which will legalize the term “useless eaters” to describe the poor in America.

Boehner states that repealing medical care, food assistance and shelter will hasten the demise of the poor, and thus, speed the final solution for America’s spending on wasteful social programs. In the event of reincarnation, Republicans are also discussing legislation would make it illegal for any poor person attempting rebirth in the US to be born to parents who earn less than $100,000. Any poor attempting re-incarnation with parents who earn $40,000 or less would be subject to immediate abortion.

Tea party members are especially exultant over these recent developments, and plan to donate the tax money which will be freed up to international conglomerates. CEO’s of such business entities would then stash the extra money in offshore accounts and outsource thousands more US jobs to third world countries. This will ensure continued unemployment (resulting in more poverty) in the US and the entire cycle could be repeated.

As they say, “The poor are always with us.”