This blog is written from my personal experiences on why and how I successfully left the gay life. Because I knew my relationship with Christ and my sexual desires for the same sex couldn't mix, I had to make a choice.
I made that tough choice more than 20 years ago and in my heart I know it was the right choice. If someone truly wants out, it IS possible. There are many naysayers out there who will bog you down with their opinions. My belief is, if you want it bad enough you CAN change. It IS possible.
I made that tough choice more than 20 years ago and in my heart I know it was the right choice. If someone truly wants out, it IS possible. There are many naysayers out there who will bog you down with their opinions. My belief is, if you want it bad enough you CAN change. It IS possible.
Sexual Identity + Religion = ?
Many years ago I began a search for my sexual identity. Who was I? I had figured out who I was spiritually, but still confused about my sexual identity. While I had feelings and desires for the same sex, I wasn’t sure how that belief fit in alignment with my faith.
My Search Begins
I ran the gamut when it came to trying out religions. I was raised Catholic, but left the church when I was 21. I was at a crossroads spiritually. I found myself searching for who I was—not who my parents wanted me to be. I attended Assemblies of God churches, Charismatic, Baptist, Lutheran, I talked to people about the Mormon faith, Jehovah’s witnesses; I even looked deep into whether God existed or not. I could not deny that God did not exist, no matter how hard I tried. He was always there. I knew it.
During this entire time of searching for my faith, I was also searching for my sexual identity. Why did I have sexual feelings for other men?
I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay.
I had my first experience with a guy while in college at Ball State in Muncie, Indiana. I was fully freaked out and completely drunk, but yet I remember it clear as day. Many of my encounters with men were not all under the influence, but I will say that the alcohol allowed me to do the things I deeply wanted to do.
I’ve shared my search with many friends along this path of life. I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay. You talk about confusing! I was listening to everyone and mixing myself up even more. It wasn’t until I started listening within and stopped listening to friends that I slowly began to understand me. And I emphasize slowly!
Questions? email me
My Search Begins
I ran the gamut when it came to trying out religions. I was raised Catholic, but left the church when I was 21. I was at a crossroads spiritually. I found myself searching for who I was—not who my parents wanted me to be. I attended Assemblies of God churches, Charismatic, Baptist, Lutheran, I talked to people about the Mormon faith, Jehovah’s witnesses; I even looked deep into whether God existed or not. I could not deny that God did not exist, no matter how hard I tried. He was always there. I knew it.
During this entire time of searching for my faith, I was also searching for my sexual identity. Why did I have sexual feelings for other men?
I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay.
I had my first experience with a guy while in college at Ball State in Muncie, Indiana. I was fully freaked out and completely drunk, but yet I remember it clear as day. Many of my encounters with men were not all under the influence, but I will say that the alcohol allowed me to do the things I deeply wanted to do.
I’ve shared my search with many friends along this path of life. I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay. You talk about confusing! I was listening to everyone and mixing myself up even more. It wasn’t until I started listening within and stopped listening to friends that I slowly began to understand me. And I emphasize slowly!
Questions? email me
Total Comments 21
Comments
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I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay.
Been there Hoosier. I am half a century high, and had the good fortune to know Christians thought I was going to Hell before I discovered being a sissy involved being attracted, in my case, to women as well as boys, so my problem did not become religious until I married a Christian woman (now divorced because of interfering prayer warriors). My religious advice to any LBGT is, become an agnostic and practice Buddhism, unless you are a Jew, in which case just join a reformed synagogue and study Buddhism. But that is my advice to any Christian, Moslem, Jew, Atheist, or spiritually unhappy person. It is also especially my advice to Timothylogan3 and RestonRunner86.
To you two and Hoosier, elston, and itnanoigi, “ I too have had the same struggle” although my spiritual path was much different, since I have despised Christianity since I was seven and was told I was going to Hell for believing in Dinosaurs instead of Santa Claus. Being beaten up for being a Prot, a Jew, or an atheist (depending upon who was doing the beating) didn't help. Nonetheless, I was taught enough self hatred that I tried believing Christianity twice. It made me a worse person in many ways, but I grew. (I now consider myself a Jungian polytheist, itnanoigi).
I had what Freud said were normal homosexual desires in my preadolescence, and I knew about Freud. Heterosexual attractions emerged on schedule, but the homosexual ones never left. I did not have any reason to feel disgust at myself aside from cultural conditioning, which has included one attempted murder at least, and the beatings added a new motive and component. I was what was called, politely for those days, a “sissy” (although nowadays I would be considered a nerd or a geek)
While it was not violent, I also experienced rejection from the gay community for being an atheist, hating disco, being bi, and having no sense of fashion.
I was married to a woman I loved deeply, and had at least some great sex with before she got fat and I realized she was crazy. Other than that, I was wired for the pre-AIDS anonymous encounters, which are undignified and dangerous.
Now I am celibate, and without the game am finding myself more and more taking the name, but I AM BI, or, as I prefer to own it, I am a f----t, or at least q---r, not “gay” (An evolution similar to the progression from colored to negro to black. What's next, “Sodomite-Americans”? (Actually, I like the “in-your-face” tone of that!
)
Perhaps there is some lingering self hatred in my dislike of labeling myself as “gay”, but I worked at being proud to be a pinko etc., I have little interest in losing our draft deferment, or in being integrated into a burning house, or healthcare for anyone less than everyone, I am not interested in the “Gay agenda”, and I am bi, I think I have some justifications in rejecting the label, although we are brothers in the LBGT community. I also think I have directed my hatred towards its proper target, that closet case from Tarsus.
Timothy, I am deeply worried for you. You said you “will more than likely never get married. Never love. Man or woman.” I truly hope you will look, if you haven't already found someone. Loving someone is a very needed part of being human.
As for the guilt, I still feel self loathing, but I loathe myself for eating meat too. Jungianism is useful, and Buddhism (by which I mean Zen) is in my experience, the best method of understanding one's psyche yet devised, but go with Jung to get you by until you see what isn't there. You do not need to feel that doing so requires abandoning your beliefs. Neither requires you to worship idols or has theological theories as to creation.
Thefer asked, “Do you have any suggestions on how I can witness to them with out offending?” Yes. Become a Buddhist, or at least stop making ridiculous assumptions about what other people believe or do. The second part is general advice for amateur missionaries, who assume everyone hungers for certainty, or is motivated by materialism, or has no morals. I found all of those assumptions highly offensive. I don't suppose you could stop assuming I am going to Hell as well? That really offends.
I doubt you use those stock arguments, as you seem more intelligent than that, though, thefer. I respected your position highly, and am willing to lump you with Martin Luther King and Anne Hutchinson as “spirit guided.”
Do you, sir, Thefer, have any suggestions on how I can witness to Christians without offending?
To everyone who has posted here, peace, love, and wisdom. Ahimsa.Posted 11-10-2010 at 04:54 PM by Twain Shakespeare
