Conflicted Feelings

My hometown is in Wyoming and next week I'll be flying back to see my parents, grandma, nephew and attend a wedding.

The girl getting married is a woman that I've known her whole life, since I was 5 months old. I tend to call her best friend, but the reality is that she isn't. Maybe back when we were young we were closer, and we have ALWAYS been competitive with each other.

This is not to say that she isn't important to me, she is. I love her and hope that we are always friends, she is great: smart, funny, caring, loyal, a very good friend and I think she will make an awesome doctor.

As I think about it and think about friends in general I have a lot going through my mind, but that again is normal for me. One of the things I am thinking about is friendship. Who are my friends, and do I have a best friend?

I know and treasure a number of people, but do I really have a BEST friend? Is there someone that I tell EVERYTHING to, things that no one else knows?

That is hard for me, since I'm writing a book that is basically EVERYTHING that happened to me and that I felt in college. I don't have many skeletons in my closet. I don't believe in hiding things, that actually makes you more vulnerable. Yet, even so there are a few things that NO ONE knows, and I doubt anyone will, except maybe my husband. Even then...

Back to my original question, who is my best friend? As crazy as it may sound to some people the only person that I am TOTALLY honest with is Christ, so He would be my best friend.

Now, I do love all my friends and I don't know what I'd do without each of my friends, but as I think about things, do I even really want to say that I have a best friend, because wouldn't that be saying that some friendships are less valuable to me? The answer is that I would hate to do that, because I can't. I can't think of any of my friends (I will admit that some people I know are more acquaintances).

The other thing on my mind is the upcoming trip I mentioned earlier. I feel like I should be more excited about the trip. I'm going to see family, friends and go to the wedding. I get to go see the mountains I grew up loving, and people that I haven't seen in literally years. It is only a week (well 8 days) long.

Yet, the excitement I feel is manufactured. Yeah, it will be good to see people, but I'm not that excited to be leaving, because where I'm going is not home. This, my East Coast apt/town is home. I am happy here, and I know this is where I should be living.

The weird thing is that I grew up traveling and I LOVE to travel. I really do, so that is playing into the conflicted feelings I'm having. I'm going on a week long vacation to one of my favorite parts of the country to see people that I deeply care about. So, if I'm getting to do something that I LOVE with people that I LOVE, shouldn't I be more excited?

And what really am I leaving behind? My friends, church, choir, classes, cat, apartment, etc. will all be here when I return. It isn't like I'm going away for years, or even months. It is a WEEK by gum! So what is it that is causing me not to be excited to do something that normally has me all jazzed up?

Who knows, all I can tell you is that I'm trying, I'm really trying to get excited and start looking forward to my time away from home. Probably I'll get off the plane in MT and have a blast, so all this confliction is for naught. Maybe it is just hormones, I am female after all!

Conflicted feelings. As a counselor I realize that is just part of life, we all go through them. I just need to remind myself why I am going and get into the heart of the trip. Probably I'm just overwhelmed at everything I have to do before next week...