Be careful about what you "say!"...Hidden rules and regulations in relationships!

Posted 04-28-2013 at 10:13 AM by CArizona

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Are we looking for "yes people" when we hook-up with new friends? (People who will always agree with us?)...Or are we searching for some diversity? And challenges?...I spend most of my time as a loner. (Outside groups.) So everytime I step-out and dare to open my mouth I can come across as an "oddball."...I honestly believe that we have a great deal to learn from each other. But we can "block" new insights and knowledge from "coming in" if we surround ourselves with "like-minded thinkers." ("Birds of the same feather!") How do you feel about it?

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1. Have you ever felt "out of place" in a group? Or at a party or event?...How did you handle it? Did you feel bored? Did you try to find some "common-ground?".. I've noticed that there are usually a few people "off to the side" at group or family functions. I tend to be a "stray" or "fringe person" myself so I spend most of my time with the "side-liners." (People who aren't official or ongoing members of the group.)... It was rough when I hosted a couple of events (of my own) because I had to step "up-front." And "mix" and "mingle" with everyone. I couldn't hang-out with the "side-liners."...I tried (hard) to "get around" to everyone. Didn't want anybody to feel "forgotten" or ignored....Phew! It's a big responsibility to play host or hostess...Most of the time I'm just a "side-liner." Don't go to many events. (Since I'm not a big-time "group-person.") But I do step-out of my "shell" once in awhile when an event (or party) is important to one of my close friends. How about you?

   Posted 06-09-2013 at 08:18 AM by CArizona

2. "How deep is your love?"..We can have "deep feelings" for someone. Or our feelings can be on the "shallow-side." Have you noticed this?...We live in such a "disposable society" these days. So it doesn't seem like a "big-deal" to "part ways" with spouses or friends or family members..Life can seem like a "buffet line" where we think in terms of having "unlimited choices" or "options." And we usually do...Sometimes I wonder if we're "equipped" to "deal" with "adversity." The sun isn't going to "shine" (non-stop) day after day. Sometimes clouds move-in (and "storms") and the weather can get "rough."...Relationships aren't always "smooth-sailing" either. We can "hit" snags and "road-bumps" along the way...And we can "throw in the towel" at the first sign of "trouble." Or we can use the towel to dry things off. And give our relationship a new "polish" and "shine" after the "storm" passes...I'm still amazed (and proud) that my husband and I "hung-in" with each other for over 30 years (all total) despite all the "storms" and "road-bumps" we "faced" during our long years together...We just didn't want to "stay mad" for long. We both wanted to go back to being "best friends" as soon as possible. So we could keep having fun together. (And brand new and exciting "adventures!")

   Posted 06-09-2013 at 10:05 AM by CArizona

3. Analogies and metaphors are great! But it takes a lot of "nitty-gritty" to make relationships "work!" Don't you think?...Everyone involved has to want to "mend fences" and "bounce back!"...One person (alone) can't make all the "needed repairs!" It requires a "joint effort."...If one "party" (or person) wants to "give-up" and "walk-away" the relationship is over...We can't hold people at "gun-point" and force someone to love or like us. Or "stick" with us...Well we "could" but we'd probably wind-up in jail. And who wants that?...So sometimes we just have to let people "go." (Even though we'd rather keep them "around.")...Some relationships just aren't "meant" to last forever. And that's the way it "goes." Right?

   Posted 06-09-2013 at 01:50 PM by CArizona

4. I talked to my longtime friend yesterday. Her husband passed-away about 2 months ago...She tries to "act fine" and wants to "be fine." But it's obvious that she has a lot of feelings "bubbling away" below the "surface." (Hurt, sadness, anger, confusion.. And probably other feelings too.)...She grew-up in a "big girls don't cry" type of family. Everyone expects her to handle her husband's death "in stride" and just "carry-on."...She's always been a "busy beaver." She "tackles" one project after another and takes pride in having a strong "work ethic" even though she's been retired for awhile now...I didn't "push" or "press" my friend to open-up her "floodgate" of "underground feelings."...She wanted to "act fine." (And strong and courageous and "matter of fact" about her husband's death.)...But this made our conversation seem a little "phony" at times. (Not "real" or "authentic.")...Oh well! I care about my friend. But I have to admit that I do feel a little "worried" about her at times. (Since she doesn't feel entitled to go through all the stages of grief.)

   Posted 06-10-2013 at 08:32 AM by CArizona

5. "This is the way we 'do things' in this house."..Every family has a culture of its very "own." (A set of "norms" and "guidelines" and beliefs and traditions, etc.)...When I was young I loved spending time at my friends' houses to see how other people "lived." (To be a part of their "family culture" for a little while.)...Some families set-up TV trays when they ate dinner. (So they wouldn't miss their favorite shows!)...One of my friends lived in a 2-story mansion and dinners were "formal" at her house. (Everyone got dressed-up to eat!)...The fathers of some of my friends stayed "off to the side" and didn't interact with their kids all the time..Yet other fathers were "hands-on" and played an "active role" in the "everyday lives" of their children...Some moms were "nags" and "complainers" and didn't always seem very happy...But other moms seemed "playful" and friendly...Oops! I don't mean to be "sexist!" I ran into "grumpy" and unhappy dads too!...And I had a chance to watch "sibling rivalry" play-out at times. I didn't always "like" what "went on." But I figured this was just part of growing-up in a big-family. (I was an only child.)...Anyway I've always enjoyed studying family "dynamics." (And cultures.)...When I'm stuck home "alone" I try to get a better "grip" (and understanding) of my own "cultural influences." And the culture I've created for myself today!

   Posted 06-11-2013 at 11:06 AM by CArizona

6. It's hard to be a "lone wolf.".. In group-situations it's easier to say nothing. Or pretend to "go-along" rather than "stick-out!".. Anyone who comes-up with different thoughts or ideas is subject to be "shot-down." Or ridiculed...This is why I don't "do groups" very often. And just stay off to the "side." (By my "lonesome!")...I'm "free" to think my own thoughts and come-up with my own "theories.".. I'm not "locked" into "group think." And don't have to play "follower."...Thank goodness I have a few "off-the-wall" friends. (Who don't want to live their lives in a "box" or "pen" either.)...But it's not always an "easy life."..Most people want to "blend-in" and fear "sticking-out." Or being tagged a "misfit" or "weirdo" or "nut-case!" Have you noticed this?

   Posted 06-12-2013 at 04:21 PM by CArizona

7. Some people seem "half" or partially "dead" inside...It's sad.. For some reason a part of them has "shut-down" to a large degree. Have you ever noticed this?...I know I've sure had to "fight" to "stay alive" since my husband and sons passed-away. It would be easy to "shut-down." And walk around on "automatic pilot" most of the time. (Like a "zombie" or a "robot.")...My local friend has been "numbed-out" for years. She knew she was "numbed-out" and "shut-down" and talked about it herself. But she didn't know how to get "out of it" or "flip the switch" back on inside of herself until recently...Now she's a "transformed person" and much more "alive" today...She has a full-range of emotions again. She can cry or laugh or get mad and "voice" (and "access") what she "feels." (In each and every moment.)...For years she didn't "talk much." And now she feels free to talk about everything. (Including "trauma" from her past.)...She's not afraid anymore. And doesn't want (or need) to hold anything "back."

   Posted 06-13-2013 at 03:08 PM by CArizona

8. I think we all want to feel "safe." And it's hard to "feel safe" when we're around "blunt" or "highly critical" people...Or people who want to be "in-charge" (or in-control) of everyone around them...How can we relax when we never know (for sure) what someone may "say" next? Or how someone might "react" from moment to moment?...I've been around a few people who seem like "drive-by shooters." They take "pot-shots" at others. (Left and right!) And usually without any "warning."...Maybe they grew-up in a family where "put-downs" and "pot-shots" were part of daily life. (And the "norm.")...Maybe they don't know how to think in terms of "safety." Or stop to consider other peoples' feelings because no one tried to ensure their "safety" (or "peace of mind") when they were growing-up. And the whole concept is "foreign" to them.

   Posted 06-14-2013 at 09:57 AM by CArizona

9. What does it mean to be "negative?"..Is it being "doubtful?" Lacking "hope?"...Assuming the "worst?"...Letting "past disappointments" affect how we "view" life today?...Some people definitely become cynical and "bitter" and "burnt-out.".. They don't want to let their "guard down" and get "whacked" over the head again. Or "stabbed" in the back...Or hurt or betrayed or disappointed...I know they just want to "protect themselves" from further "harm.".. To be "continued!" More coming in a little bit!

   Posted 06-15-2013 at 08:19 AM by CArizona

10. I think it's smart to ask questions. And smart to look at all "possible sides" before we take a "big risk."...I don't view this as being "negative" per se...Plans and ideas (or even beliefs) need to be "surveyed." And put through some "tests." (To see if they "make sense" or "hold water.")...This is how I feel anyway.. What are the "odds" (or "chances") that my plans will "work-out?"...How do I know that my ideas (or beliefs) are "true" or accurate?...There are no "guarantees" in life and something that "sounds great" or "seems right" may turn-out to be a "big disappointment." (In the long-run.)...If possible I want to learn from my mistakes. (So history doesn't keep "repeating itself" in all areas of my life.)...Could I have done something "differently?" What were my "blind spots?" Did I "jump" right into a situation without doing any "prep-work" beforehand?...Everything that "glitters" isn't going to turn-out to be "gold." And we're bound to make mistakes at times. (Despite our "best efforts!")...I think it helps to have a "balanced view" about life. (In general.)..I know I'm going to "win some" and "lose some" and fall on my "fanny" at times...But some things are going to "work-out" even better than I "expected!"

    Posted 06-16-2013 at 08:31 AM by CArizona

11. What is your neighborhood like? (Or your city?).. Do you feel like you "fit-in" pretty well? Or not? If not...why?...Do you feel like an "alien" at times? Or a "foreigner" in a "strange land?"...I've felt this way quite a few times during my life...I felt this way when my parents sent me to a so-called "prestigious academy" for girls. (During my high-school years.)...My parents took pride in being "down-home people." (Modest and humble.) They weren't interested in becoming "social-climbers." (In other words.)...I didn't want to "put on airs" either. Or join the ranks of the "rich and famous!"...So I was definitely an "odd-ball" at this "fancy school!" Thank goodness there were a few other "strays" and "rebels" at the school. (Like me!)...We just didn't want to conform! Or lose our identities!...Anyway I seem to do best in "mismatched" or "melting pot" type of areas (or situations) where there is a lot of "diversity." How about you?

    Posted 06-17-2013 at 08:05 AM by CArizona

12. When I was young I felt comfortable talking to my parents about most everything...But things started to change when I became a teenager. I knew some things would "freak them out."...How about you? Did you feel comfortable "confiding" in your parents when you were growing-up?...When I was in 5th grade I played "narc" and "ratted" on my teacher. (Who was a nun.) I went to Catholic school...My teacher played "favorites." She "rewarded" the kids who "flattered" her and "kissed-up" to her...I knew this was wrong. So I told my parents about it. And my parents told the principal about it and the nun got in "trouble." She received a "lecture" from the principal...Naturally my teacher "hated my guts" after that. But she had to be on her "best behavior" so I wouldn't "rat" on her again...The principal liked me. And trusted me...Things were completely different when I went to high-school. I was considered a "rebel" and "black sheep." Oh well!

    Posted 06-17-2013 at 08:58 PM by CArizona

13. Do you think there is an "agenda" or "motive" behind everything we do? Or say?...What "drives" us? Or "directs us?"...What do we hope to "gain" (or "achieve") when we feel an "urge" to do something? Or say something?...How "well" do we know ourselves? Do we really understand our needs and desires? And "motivations?"...What's going on "behind the scenes" when we make choices and decisions? Or receive an "urge" to do something? Or say something? Or "reach-out" to someone?

    Posted 06-18-2013 at 07:41 AM by CArizona

14. I try to "store" what my friends tell me in my "head." Guess you could day I create a "personal file" for everyone...And I like it when friends remember what I tell them too...Naturally we're all going to "flub-up" at times and forget things. (Since we're human.)...But it's frustrating to have to repeat the same things over and over again...Did you ever see the movie: "50 First Dates?" The female character in the movie lost her memory every night when she went to sleep...Her boyfriend had to remind her "who he was" every single morning...Anyway it's nice when there is a "retention of knowledge" in relationships. So we don't have to start all over "from scratch" all the time..Some people focus on what they're going to "say" next and don't always pay much attention to what others "say.".. They sort of "tune-out" at times. Have you noticed this?

    Posted 06-19-2013 at 03:14 PM by CArizona

15. Do you consider yourself "entertaining?" Do you like to make people laugh? Are you a "thought-provoker?" Do you say or do the "unexpected?" (At times.)...Who do you call (or go to see) when you need to be "entertained?" (Or "lifted-up" a bit?)...Some people tend to be on the "serious-side." Or the "quiet-side." And don't have an active sense of humor...Or a sense of "play."...When I was small I heard my Mom call a couple of people "wet blankets" or "limp noodles" or just "dry."..Sometimes she got frustrated with people who refused to get out of their "seriousness." Or people who used their so-called "intellect" (or "seriousness") to act "uppity." (Or "superior" to others.)...She expected other people to "hold-up" their "end" of the conversation. And didn't want to be the only one who asked questions or made comments. Or the only one who brought-up new topics...She just didn't want to do all the "work."

    Posted 06-20-2013 at 07:33 AM by CArizona

16. My friend "lost" her husband a few months ago. And she feels obligated to "stay busy" and keep-up a "brave front." (At all times.)...We had a conversation about what it means to be "brave" and "tough" last night...In her family culture this means pushing aside feelings. (Acting like nothing ever "gets" to her.) Pretending to be made of "steel" or "stone."...I'm the total opposite. I don't want to take the "easy route" and shove all of my feelings aside. Or "bury" anything...I think it takes a tremendous amount of "strength" (and "toughness") to really let ourselves "feel." And go "deep" within our psyche...My friend's sisters (and other relatives) would probably look "down" on her if she "fell" to "pieces." She wouldn't be "upholding" the "family image."

    Posted 06-21-2013 at 08:41 AM by CArizona

17. I believe that we have to keep "moving forward." But I don't want to "run away" from the past either...I "ran away" from home a couple of times when I was a teenager. (Due to "family turmoil" and "issues" that couldn't seem to be resolved at the time.)...I thought I'd be "free." And I always "felt free" right at first...But eventually the "ghosts" and "goblins" started to "haunt me." They wouldn't "stay-put" (or "locked-away") in the "closet."...And I knew I had to go back home and "face the music" and try to find ways to resolve some of our problems...I know that I'm always going to be "haunted" by the past (in one way or another) if I play "run-away."...Why do people avoid "dealing" with the past? I think it's all based on fears. For some reason they are terrified of what they might have to "face" or "feel." (Or "re-live.")...And it can be "spooky." But I know I'm going to get "spooked" (anyway) if I try to "stuff" it all away in the "closet.".. The "ghosts" and "goblins" of the past have the ability to "sneak-out." And "mess" with our "head." (When we least expect it!)..."Running away" is not the "answer" or the best solution. I learned this lesson the "hard way" when I was younger.

    Posted 06-21-2013 at 09:18 AM by CArizona

18. Who has the best advice? Or ideas?...Will our ideas (or "medicine") work for everyone? Probably not! It's doubtful!...I think we're all on different "paths." And we have our own unique lessons to learn along the way...What works for the "goose" may not work for the "gander!"...Some people are big-time "advice-givers." My older son could be this way at times...He handed out advice about "where to eat!" And what brand of coffee to buy..Or which appliances were the "best" on the market, etc... His list went on and on. He considered himself in the "know" and an "expert" about most everything...Later in life he calmed down a bit and became more "mellow." (YEA!)...It's hard to be around non-stop "advice-givers." Do you have people like this in your life?

    Posted 06-21-2013 at 07:27 PM by CArizona

19. What is the "purpose" of our relationship? Do we seem like a "good match?" Or not?..Are we just "passing time" together? Or do we have a "shot" at growing closer and closer?...What do you want and expect from me? And what do I "see" in you?...Can we take off our "masks" at some point and reveal our honest and true "selves?"...Or do we have to stick with "chit-chat" and "surface talk" most of the time? And topics that don't seem so "risky."...Can we go "in-depth" once in awhile and share our honest feelings with each other? Or even or fears? Or regrets?...How "far" can we "go" with each other? Is there a "limit" to how close we can become?

    Posted 06-23-2013 at 08:42 AM by CArizona

20. What does it mean to be "emotionally available?" Or not?...I can talk to my cousin about all the deaths in my family and how they (still) affect me today because she has "open-access" to her feelings. (In general.)..She let herself "feel everything" after her parents and sister passed-away. And she is "open" to "going deeper" and feeling "even more" today...Some people insist that the past is "behind" them and see no reason to bring-up "old news."...They seem so "black and white" and "cut and dry" and "rigid" to me...Everything is placed into neat little "compartments." (With no "leakage" or "overlaps" allowed!)...I don't live in such a "controlled environment." My feelings aren't always "neat" and "tidy" and "regimented!"...I like to be "open" to what I "feel" from moment to moment...I learn a lot about myself and others and even more about my past by giving myself "free rein." And permission to "feel more" or "explore" or "go back" when need be...I can't always be my "real" and "true self" when I'm around people who are quick to put a "lid" on things. Or people who change the subject when feelings start to "pop-up.".. I consider people like this "emotionally unavailable." They live "controlled lives" and try to "control" others too. (If they can!)

    Posted 06-23-2013 at 09:36 AM by CArizona

CArizona

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