My Speech

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman. I am honored to be here speaking at the Republican National Convention tonight. There are a few things I wanted to talk to you about. The first and foremost of these things is why our fearless leader, John McCain, is a fearless kind of fearless guy. He's a real maverick. In fact, they named Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun after him. That's how much of a maverick he is. Back in the 'Nam, Senator McCain was a prisoner of war which means that he was a maverick and an automatic qualifier for the presidency; nevermind all the other guys he was in there with. They weren't fearless mavericks like Senator McCain was. No, ladies and gentleman, Senator McCain was a true fearless maverick and he's going to stand up and shout out with true maverickness and speak out against things that are evil in this world. Things like being unmaverick-like and also speaking out against the terrorists in a fearless way are what he is about.

Next to the word "maverick" in the dictionary is a picture of John McCain. It means that he's going to go about his own way and do things the way he likes them to be done and to hell with what everyone else thinks. It's time that the country was run by someone such as this. He is going to be the President who is going to address the issues that no other President has ever addressed in their campaign. That's right ladies and gentleman. He's going to tackle the abortion issue, he's going to take away the rights for gays to marry, and he's going to defeat terror. Ladies and gentleman, these are things that no one else has ever said before. And I mean no one. Confronting the real issues of today is a prime example of Senator McCain's maverickicity. Without people like John McCain we wouldn't have the little things in life like air to breathe or water to drink because he was the maverick who went and bargained with God to get these things on planet Earth and that should speak volumes for his diplomatic skills and his tooth and nail maverickocity.

He's going to lay his foot down against big businesses like McDonald's who are contracting their laborers from China to make the Happy Meal toys that our current President likes to play with. He's going to politely ask the big oil companies not to make things too expensive and when they ignore him he's going to do the same in return because that's the kind of guy he is. He's a maverick!

He's going to set up strategically placed snipers, landmines, and pungee pits along the Mexican border in order to prevent the illegals from entering this great nation. These illegals are mavericks themselves and everyone knows there can be only one maverick and that maverick is John McCain not Jose or Juan.

John McCain is going to fight to keep the same tax cuts that the previous leadership has installed because things like medical care, social security, education, and other government run programs are less important than a few extra dollars a year for the richest people in America. When you're running for President, it's imperative to make the top one percent happy because they control so much.

Ladies and Gentleman, Senator McCain is going to change this country and this world by doing the same things that the current government has done over the past eight years. He's going to declare war on different countries. He's going to say the word "terror" at least three times in every sentence because that's what people like to hear from the guy who was Goose's wingman.

And when it's all said and done and Cindy McCain is helping to change his Depends diapers after the first year of his Presidency, he's got someone to take the reins. Ladies and gentleman, he has picked the hottest Vice Presidential candidate in order to woo all of the young teenage men who are voting for the first time. She is going to bargain for an abstinence only program in the schools because it has proven to be such a success in her family. She's a maverick too but she's a female so there can be one of each gender.

When it's all said and done and John McCain and what's her face are giving their acceptance speeches we are all going to sit there and stare at our TV's in awe and lament about the gritty, fearless maverickocitiness that these two people stand for. We are voting for John Wayne and some hot chick, ladies and gentlemen. That's what is important. All of these other things, that's like icing on the cake. What we really need is a maverick because mavericks are cool and they usually don't put up with things like listening to reason or common sense. They go about their own way. They do things in a way that they see fit and be damned if they are going to listen to anyone else.

Now everyone in this audience wearing a cowboy hat should be cheering right about now. You are all just like mavericks although there can be only one true maverick. So, when the election day comes around and you're sitting there in your booth and you see the names "Obama-Biden" on your little touchscreen and right below that is the "Maverick-Hot Chick" ticket you know which button to press. And for all of you in Florida who can't see very well, reach down deep inside yourselves and let your hand guide you to the button that feels separate from the norm. Reach for the button that is guiding you towards true freedom and independence and you'll know that your aim is true when you feel it.

In closing I'd like to say a little prayer.

"A little prayer."

Thank you all and to all a good night!