A Mind on Hyperdrive
Posted 06-30-2009 at 10:07 PM by mams1559
This is the worst time of night for me to be up. But I am. I can't sleep well, and usually don't. Especially this week as my family is off on a trip without me. So, I sit and think and think and my mind whirrs and won't shut down. Hence, I'm awake and unable to sleep.
With my mind working overtime, of course that leads to overthinking, over analyzing, over everything. I sit and ponder and query myself about lots of different things. Like what exactly am I doing any more. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why do I not feel compelled to participate in the forum any more? Why am I missing my dearly departed loved ones so much tonight? Why does every song on the radio seem to be speaking to me and piercing my heart? Why am I crying over all this (yes, men cry too (esp. when they're all alone))?
I can tell you why. Because I'm a sad, sorry excuse for a human. I'm a loner. All I have is my family and no true friends. I seek to fill that void online, only to be reminded that it can't be done. There are folks you can chat with and be friendly with, but they can't take the place of flesh and blood relationships. I suck at those. I have to work hard on the ones with my wife and kids. I'm not good with it with my extneded family either. They're used to me though, as they grew up with me, so they know how I am. It's nothing for me not to talk with my family for weeks at a time. Being without the wife and kids highlights how socially inept I am and, truthfully, how fragile I am, socially and emotionally.
It's also because I'm not living up to my own expectations. My behavior is not reflecting who I believe I am on the inside, in my mind's eye. Either I'm a louse, or my expectations are too high. How am I to tell the difference? I've been shackeled by two very bad, very dangerous habits that I can't free myself from. One's bad for my health, the other is spiritual poison. I dwell on these way too much. I participate in them more than I should. Just when I think I can move forward without them, I don't.
The health one is a daily abuse that I know I should not be doing. It affects how people view me and how open they are to accept my opinion on many topics, faith being the biggest one. I come off as a hypocrite. Who is going to accept anything I say regarding faith and belief if they see me or find out what I do? It has an impact. I tried to stop but keep on doing it. In my mind I know what to do and how to do it, but my will is not strong at all. My character is flawed. I feel like a phoney.
The other is a poison that won't leave my system. Just when I think I've gotten it licked, it comes back stronger than ever. It's a humiliation, best left undescribed. I don't think anyone's runaway imagination can even touch the awful truth of it that I live with day in and day out. Once again it impacts me spiritually. I allow it to come between me and my Lord. I allow the adversary to decieve me and convince me that I'm unworthy of even repentance. I allow myself to get drawn into it time and again.
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now. One of my prior blogs trumpeted how I was aware of these and will change them because my mama didn't raise no fool. Well, the jokes on me... a fool I be. I'm self defeating and self loathing. Oh, the veneer is pleasant and acceptable, but peel back the layers and I am rotten to the core.
Who and I and why am I here...
other futile questions from a mind on hyper.
With my mind working overtime, of course that leads to overthinking, over analyzing, over everything. I sit and ponder and query myself about lots of different things. Like what exactly am I doing any more. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why do I not feel compelled to participate in the forum any more? Why am I missing my dearly departed loved ones so much tonight? Why does every song on the radio seem to be speaking to me and piercing my heart? Why am I crying over all this (yes, men cry too (esp. when they're all alone))?
I can tell you why. Because I'm a sad, sorry excuse for a human. I'm a loner. All I have is my family and no true friends. I seek to fill that void online, only to be reminded that it can't be done. There are folks you can chat with and be friendly with, but they can't take the place of flesh and blood relationships. I suck at those. I have to work hard on the ones with my wife and kids. I'm not good with it with my extneded family either. They're used to me though, as they grew up with me, so they know how I am. It's nothing for me not to talk with my family for weeks at a time. Being without the wife and kids highlights how socially inept I am and, truthfully, how fragile I am, socially and emotionally.
It's also because I'm not living up to my own expectations. My behavior is not reflecting who I believe I am on the inside, in my mind's eye. Either I'm a louse, or my expectations are too high. How am I to tell the difference? I've been shackeled by two very bad, very dangerous habits that I can't free myself from. One's bad for my health, the other is spiritual poison. I dwell on these way too much. I participate in them more than I should. Just when I think I can move forward without them, I don't.
The health one is a daily abuse that I know I should not be doing. It affects how people view me and how open they are to accept my opinion on many topics, faith being the biggest one. I come off as a hypocrite. Who is going to accept anything I say regarding faith and belief if they see me or find out what I do? It has an impact. I tried to stop but keep on doing it. In my mind I know what to do and how to do it, but my will is not strong at all. My character is flawed. I feel like a phoney.
The other is a poison that won't leave my system. Just when I think I've gotten it licked, it comes back stronger than ever. It's a humiliation, best left undescribed. I don't think anyone's runaway imagination can even touch the awful truth of it that I live with day in and day out. Once again it impacts me spiritually. I allow it to come between me and my Lord. I allow the adversary to decieve me and convince me that I'm unworthy of even repentance. I allow myself to get drawn into it time and again.
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now. One of my prior blogs trumpeted how I was aware of these and will change them because my mama didn't raise no fool. Well, the jokes on me... a fool I be. I'm self defeating and self loathing. Oh, the veneer is pleasant and acceptable, but peel back the layers and I am rotten to the core.
Who and I and why am I here...
other futile questions from a mind on hyper.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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Mams, I can relate to this blog..When I concentrate on my bad habits and the "wrongness" I feel about my self I try to change my thought process by reading a favorite book or by watching some dumb show on tv..
Once I had an unhealthy, unattractive habit that I overcame with a prescription
Posted 07-01-2009 at 08:14 AM by Miss Blue
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Mams,
You have so much worth!!!!! Let's play a flip mode on the enemy. Nothing you do or don't do takes away from how valuable you are. See the enemy doesn't want you to know your value. So he uses ways to enslave your mind. Some of these conditionings are through the church, inheritted deseases, society expectations and the list is forever too long. So I will pray that God will protect your health and protect you spiritually!!!!! I have had every addiction possible. I just want you to know that there are people who care out there for you!! I know I do. I thought for a minute you were describing me and things that I went and are going through. Just remember things are so much more supernatural than meets the eye. Once you start clearing your ears and eyes you will be amazed. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May God water this seed of hope in your life. Don't forget to be kind and forgiving to yourself. Our Father in Heaven has so much Grace!!!!!! Forget about religion and all the other bull****. Please Take Care,Posted 07-01-2009 at 09:30 AM by spiritual sky
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Praying for you, Mark. We are usually our own harshest critic. You know that, don't ya? ((hugs))Posted 07-14-2009 at 12:44 PM by kaykay
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Let me tell you what bro, u are definitely not a-lone!! I know what can help you! I have been suffering as well and not only do I put myself through the torture, but I also put my husband through it as well. But, there is hope for us! We need to take hold of those 'strongholds' that satan has put into our minds for far tooo long. We need to REBUKE that lying devil and cast him out in the name of Jesus Christ!!! Anytime you get those thoughts, you say those words and then start thinking upwards and remember Romans 8:1-2 (NIV) do not condemn yourself but pick yourself back up. It's a very long journey, but it works!! Now, I need something for my evil tongue!!Posted 09-18-2009 at 08:18 PM by mentalwarmaz
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on track
Right when everything is most bleak. That is right when awakening comes. Keep going.Posted 11-09-2009 at 12:55 PM by transpace6
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The devil helps us to find god. Even without dogma and theology.Posted 11-09-2009 at 12:57 PM by transpace6
