It's really bad today......
Posted Yesterday at 07:51 AM by TNSLPPTSO13
Thoughts of offing myself do not leave my brain...Tomorrow I've got a Ctscan that will determine my decision to continue cancer treatments..If no improvement or stability is noted...there is no use for me to be feeling like this because of chemo.
I can barely function anymore...the peripheral neuropathy has taken a hold of my extremities in a bad way...It has worsened my lower limbs to the point I can't walk more than 50-60 steps...while holding on to my cane for dear life...a fall at my age is akin to a death sentence.
It has crippled my hands also to the point that I'm beginning to drop things that I pick up...and buttoning my shirts is a 10-15 minute struggle.
All I do when I get home from work is flop on the bed for the next 10-12 hours...Already shat myself on the bed because I couldn't get up fast enough for a diarrhea session common with chemo patients. Haven't mopped my apartment for at least 6 months...Have no taste buds left..Everything I chew has no taste and has the texture of cardboard.Anything spicy,or at more than room temperature is painful to put in my mouth Can't eat hard food anymore...apples,nuts,crunchy cabbage...my teeth were bad before this **** happened...now they are worse...
Is it worth carrying on like this????
I also have 3 other health issues...and looking at a 4th...Parkinson's?..MS?...Noticing my hands trembling a lot lately..Haven't removed my hard contact lenses in at least 6 months because I'm so afraid of dropping and losing them because of my increasingly shaky hands.
I think I have a right to be depressed af as I am...All the **** happening to me at the same time..I can justify just ending it all..but I'm such a ***** I probably won't...I've been looking at insulin overdoses...just slowly fall asleep as your glucose drops ti the 40's....
I'm just not receptive to the thought of a Medicaid nursing home like I was in 2022 after a toe amputation..that overwhelming smell of urine...I don't think I qualify for a Nurse to come to my filthy apartment...plus I will never be able to afford assisted living other than a nursing home....and I won't actually qualify for Medicaid either.
They say that if you think or talk about it constantly;the odds are you won't do it..We'll see.
I can barely function anymore...the peripheral neuropathy has taken a hold of my extremities in a bad way...It has worsened my lower limbs to the point I can't walk more than 50-60 steps...while holding on to my cane for dear life...a fall at my age is akin to a death sentence.
It has crippled my hands also to the point that I'm beginning to drop things that I pick up...and buttoning my shirts is a 10-15 minute struggle.
All I do when I get home from work is flop on the bed for the next 10-12 hours...Already shat myself on the bed because I couldn't get up fast enough for a diarrhea session common with chemo patients. Haven't mopped my apartment for at least 6 months...Have no taste buds left..Everything I chew has no taste and has the texture of cardboard.Anything spicy,or at more than room temperature is painful to put in my mouth Can't eat hard food anymore...apples,nuts,crunchy cabbage...my teeth were bad before this **** happened...now they are worse...
Is it worth carrying on like this????
I also have 3 other health issues...and looking at a 4th...Parkinson's?..MS?...Noticing my hands trembling a lot lately..Haven't removed my hard contact lenses in at least 6 months because I'm so afraid of dropping and losing them because of my increasingly shaky hands.
I think I have a right to be depressed af as I am...All the **** happening to me at the same time..I can justify just ending it all..but I'm such a ***** I probably won't...I've been looking at insulin overdoses...just slowly fall asleep as your glucose drops ti the 40's....
I'm just not receptive to the thought of a Medicaid nursing home like I was in 2022 after a toe amputation..that overwhelming smell of urine...I don't think I qualify for a Nurse to come to my filthy apartment...plus I will never be able to afford assisted living other than a nursing home....and I won't actually qualify for Medicaid either.
They say that if you think or talk about it constantly;the odds are you won't do it..We'll see.
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