A prop for you and your issues
Posted 06-10-2024 at 05:32 PM by trickydawn
yep It's a strange feeling when you all of a sudden have an epiphany. It's not the first time, not even the 2nd or 3rd, that everything just floods my head and I remember everything all at once. Then everything is so crystal clear, that it's embarrassing. I mean, i'm embarrassed for myself. And then for some reason, I block it all back out, lie to myself, choose to pretend what I know, isn't really how it is. But it is. Even with all your "can't remembers," denials, drunk or high, or sober if we are being honest, false memories or stories you stick to no matter what, you know too. I'm not, and never have been, the Love of Your Life. The one you were meant to be with, or even beat yourself up, started binge drinking for years, or hated yourself for losing. If anything, the thing that upset you was that it was not your decision. I took control and decided I wasn't going to just accept that I was married to a guy that came and went whenever he wanted, and without telling me when, what, where, or with who. I decided I wasn't going to be the wife that kept a nice house for you, cooked your meals, worked full time and paid all the bills while your paycheck was stolen every Friday, was never unfaithful to you a day in my life, yet endured constant accusations, name calling, you putting your hands on me, having you follow me to the store or wherever, emotionally abused to the point of total breakdowns, lied to, and have stories told about me to your friends and family that weren't true, and basically treated like I was hated by you and nobody else would ever love or want me, then cry and beg for me to forgive you and believe how much you loved me. You saw a cute blonde, you were used to getting what you wanted, I wasn't interested, so I became something, or someone, to catch so you would feel you won. Like a hunter. As you learned more about me, the kind of person I was, how gullible I was, that I was genuinely a kind person that would do about anything for anyone, wasn't someone that told a bunch of lies, hated nobody ever, was eager to make others happy, would never hurt a fly, and once I did fall in love with you, I was totally in love, you realized you had someone that you could pretty much control. I would do almost anything for you. Including put up with your bull**** and if I did say "No More, I'm done," you knew I would cave and fall for your tears, promises, and apologies over and over. Forgiving you, and hating to see what I believed to be, you hurting. ****, you even got me to sell my body, (and part of my soul) for you. Not only do it, but send all the money with you, never knowing what you were off doing while I was doing what you asked me to, as well as yelling and calling me names if I was making good money that week, because I was a ***** and ****ing all kinds of guys. On the flip side, if the week was slow, I needed to get off my ass and make some money. I never had a thing to show for any of that money, that I recall. My husband had a good ole time tho..So ya, once I had the revelation that after years of dating, with all the control issues, threats what you were going to do to whoever you decided to tell me I was messing around with, or talking to, being told what I couldn't wear, including eyeshadow, having other people watch me and report back to you, being intimidated and manipulated, I'm positive cheated on as well, then falling for the whole "I've changed, I was young and stupid, you are the only girl I've ever loved and want, this is how our life will be together" BS AGAIN and marrying you just to have it all start again, this time much worse, I chose to break my own heart, and divorce the only guy I had ever loved that way. The one I wanted forever with. The one I cried more tears for more years, whether I was with or not with you, and the man I felt for some reason, hated me more than anyone or anything in the world. Hated me so much, he was willing to date me, then marry me, just so he could hurt and torture me, because that is how much he hated me. The sight of me.. The very breath in me. I saw the hate in your eyes when you would grab me, yell and call me names with your face inches from mine. I saw your eyes turn dark and terrifying when you would drag me by my hair, scream what a *****, ****, ***** I was. Tell me I'd never be loved by anyone. Even rape me. And at the same time, you could have this mocking sideways grin. It broke me so much, but all the abuse together, didn't hurt as much as believing you hated me that much, not knowing why or what I did, and still loving you. Getting sent away from the only real family like home I'd ever had during my senior year, leaving everyone and everything I loved, including the boy I loved and was the reason I was sent away, changed me. Changed my life. Left me so lonely, lost, hurt, angry, feeling like I was worthless, and brokenhearted. Divorcing you was my choice, and let me remind you, I had become quite a spunky, opinionated, strong willed,hard working, self confidant, ****ing hot 19 yr old young woman. I was a damn good catch. Unfortunately, I never stopped loving you and wondering what if. And once again, my stupid heart and being the forever forgiving and trusting idiot in love with you, I gave up another few years of my life to you, while you put me thru it again. But somehow, during the Christmas I spent alone sitting and crying next to our little Christmas tree on Ada St, I decided I had to divorce you. I couldn't let you take what was left of me. The light was gone inside me again. My point is, after everything you put me through, every single worst moment of my life was because of you, and still, all I wanted was to know why you hated me so much, and how much I still loved you and wanted us.
But I know now. You didn't hate me. You also weren't in love with tho. Probably never have been. I was just a hot young easy target. And like the first time we met, when I divorced you, you were not the one that made the decision on how things would go. That is the reason that ever so often, I popped in your head. You got with Lisa because you wanted to. You had been getting with her for years already. Her and I are very very different people. You were happy with her. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten married when you did if you hadn't already knocked her up, but you would've at some point. You weren't in some self destructive binge drinking drug taking out of control state because of losing me, like the story you tell. You were already constantly drinking and using when we were married. It is why your abuse got worse and worse. I'm sure your drinking and using kept on increasing, but that is just the nature of addiction. It had been increasing for years, just like now. Once you started using again, it was balls to the wall. Once you started drinking again, the amount increases, just like your **** attitude and treatment of me and others. Mostly me, as usual. Once again, these last several years, I have convinced myself and racked my brain as to why you hate me so much. Logically I know it's not so, but I still have to talk myself out of the spiralling thoughts I have that you do. So, You and Lisa were good together. You loved each other, she will let you get away with murder, and you know she would never leave you no matter what. Yes, she threatened, yes she screamed and yelled at you when you ****ed up, I'm sure she did other wifely things when she was pissed, but she'd never leave for real and for good. You were happy, she was happy. You had a family. You had bikes, boats, cars, vacations, tons of family and friend memories, great sex, you always had her back, never let anyone disrespect her even if she asked for it. Yall ran into some issues with drugs and your drinking, and you two made it through that as well. Tons of family camping fun. Everyone I have ever heard talk about you two together says the same thing. You two were good together. You two were so in love. You two were happy. Yes she slept with your best friend before you were married, but you didn't hold that against either of them. You didn't mind sharing, you told me you two had one or two threesomes as well. You had a few lot lizards, and Jetpack Amy (ha ha) so no biggie. Again, as long as you are involved in the decisions, it's always good for you, right? You talk about her all the time. Look at her pictures all the time. ****ed me over with her all the time, then again, and again, and again. You quit drinking for her. You took care of her. You were always posting cutsie things on FB to her, bringing her gifts from the road, you say nobody ever really liked her because she was a *****, but you loved her and were happy and that was all that mattered. I don't really believe nobody liked her, but again, you are the only person I have ever heard say you two weren't happy. Never talked. Stopped having sex or just in and out for years. Never kissed her. Always fought. You had wanted to divorce her for over 6 plus years when we started talking the last time. Some reason, ya just didn't huh? Yet when I was in the truck with you that first trip, you two talked on the phone almost once an hour. Every two hours for sure. You both said I love you when you hung up. Recent posts on FB were all lovey dovey, OH WAIT! even while you and I were living together you two posted I love you's and stuff. You would have to hurry and get back home to her before you moved in with me and added to our fake relationship. You continued sleeping with her after we got a place. You LOVE HER, WERE IN LOVE WITH HER, LOVE HER STILL, WERE HAPPY, AND EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT HER AND YOU WAS PRETTY MUCH A LIE. I have literally heard you talking to so many different people over the years, and you even tell them you two were happy. Things were great. Up until you found out she had been using for years. Not sure why that mattered if you couldn't even tell, so you two were still good. After 24 25 years, that is the one and only thing and you were just like, I'm out. Except you weren't really out. Ever. Still really aren't. You NEVER wanted a divorce. I am 100% sure of that. That is why you drug your feet, tried to get me to do it for you when I gave you the ultimatum, and since, you have thrown it in my face many times. Saying I ruined your marriage, I forced you to divorce her, I ruined your life. YOU CAME TO ME MOTHER ****ER. AND OVER THE YEARS TRIED TO START UP CONVERSATIONS AND WANTING TO MEET AND ASKING ME HOW TO DIVORCE HER SEVERAL TIMES. YOU ****ED UP YOUR LIFE. AND YOU ****ED UP LISA'S LIFE. AND YOU ****ED UP MY LIFE AAAAGGGGAAAAIIIINNNN. Nobody that loves and wants to be with someone lies and cheats from the get go, and leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back. Nobody that has wanted nothing more than another chance with the love of their life, gets that chance and not only blows it, but treats her horribly, cheats, hurts her kid, spreads horrible lies and rumors about her, let's their ex harass her constantly, takes all the forgiving, bending over backwards, sweet note writing, home cooking and doing things to make being on the road a little easier for you, ****ing drives for you for free for months, is supportive when you want help for get sober, does anything your kids ask and loves and cares about them even tho you start drama between them, gives you full body massages because you worked hard and were in pain, BUT TAKES ALL THAT FOR GRANTED. DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT, BASICALLY THROWS IT IN HER FACE UNTIL SHE FINALLY IS JUST DEAD INSIDE BUT YOU STILL STAY EVEN THO WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION AFFECTION ANYTHING ANYMORE, why you ask? Because Lisa only had 3-6 months left, and it was too hard to watch her go you said, and there was no future with her since she was dying, But here we are again.
I WAS YOU MIDLIFE CRISIS SHAKE THINGS UP AND MAKE LIFE INTERESTING FOR A BIT GIRL.
THAT IS ALL I WAS AND THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER LEFT LISA REALLY. THAT IS WHY YOU CAN STAY WITH ME THIS LAST YEAR SINCE YOU THOUGHT SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE BY NOW, BUT have no real relationship with me. That is why you are fine drinking no matter how it hurts me, no matter what you do and how you act toward me when you drink, no matter what I say, no matter that I just try to avoid you when you drink, which is pretty much daily, and that I resent you more every day. You don't care, because you are not in love with me, and could care less about being with me or a future other than you don't want to be alone, and like you always have, you pretty much do what you want. Come and go as you please. When you want attention because you are bored or want something or whatever, you make all you same tired overused promises and apologies, declare you false love to me, etc. I really love the "I miss you" BS you say when you are trying to win me over for the few minutes you want attention. I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE *******. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT LEFT. FIRST PHYSICALLY, OVER AND OVER ALL THE TIME FOR YEARS, THEN MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
I, you know the ****ing idiot that is me, I have been here. I finally told you about 6 or so months ago, that I was DONE investing in us. In you. You asked me every time I had to tell you again, "are you saying you are breaking up with me?? " Same answer every time from me was, "no, you can stay, go, keep doing what you are doing, whatever you want. I am just done putting energy, faith, plans, anything into us or you anymore. I am tired of being the only one doing it. Nothing you say means anything anymore. I have trusted, believed, forgave, one more timed, the last time. If you want us and a future together, you will just do what you know anyone in a relationship does, and do it consistently. You will stop the same **** you have had on a rinse and repeat cycle since we got together, and stop running you mouth about what you are sorry for, need to do, are going to do, etc. Or don't and you know where I stand. I told you a year ago when you came to KS JUST so you could get into treatment because of your insurance. I was very clear, CRYSTAL clear that you were only there for the few days it should take to get into your treatment, we were NOT together, You did not live at that apt, and if treatment went well and you were serious, worked it, stayed sober, maybe we could revisit the possibility of a relationship, but no promises. You knew about Levi and that he and I lived there, I was still working with him on his mess and disaster, it was no concern of yours and you agreed because you chose not to live there and hadn't for two months, instead living with Lisa again. Your few days turned into almost three months, and you were drunk for most of that. Put me and Corky thru hell again, got on Levi, got In a physical fight with him, just became your typical drunk *******. when you got out of treatment, and after the first great week and half, then started drinking, which quickly escalates by the week, I told you what was going to happen. I told you at least once a week, I was done with this, stay away from me, and you just continued to drink, cause me pain and stress, and ignored everything I said or argued and fought with me constantly. What do I do? Still try and help you prepare for the job you wanted with Brent, didn't, then with the Oregon one.. I was still clear about where I stood. I had told Tierra the same thing a few months before you left and around the time you did as well. and Ive said it over and over here. You think it's funny to start drama, try to get all handsy whem your drunk, don't seem to care how bad you smell no matter how many times I tell you how bad it is, would rather let, and cause, others to disrespect me so you can always make sure you can run to them and say how horrible you are treated, BUT THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLEW IF I WERE LISA. WOULDNT MATTER IF IT WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR KIDS, YOUR BOSS, NOBODY. But you have NEVER had you whores back. NEVER. Because you are not in love with me, and I was just an excursion that got all ****ed up. There is simply no other way to explain a man, YOU, who can say all three of these things to three different ppl all in the same day.
To me, "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much, I want us. Only you. I will quit drinking, I am sorry I hurt you. I am really sorry that you have to go thru the **** I caused and that you ever even feel worried I am doing anything with Lisa or anyone. I caused that, and I am sorry. I want to fix this, we can, and I will absolutely go to counseling with you. I want to. I love you. I have insurance so we can go. "
heard all that before, but also same day
To Tierra
You tell her not to let me fill her heart with hate.
Why you think I would ever try to do that, and how you think I was is beyond me. If you knew me at all, you know that is not something I would EVER try to do to anyone. I don't "hate" and I am all about kindness and family being close and I am the person who is always trying my hardest to see the best in everyone. To try and see things from other's point of view, and am the one who tries to give the benefit of doubt when strangers are being jerks. You know this, or used to know when you were present in the world. So wth that means is another mystery to me.
You then tell her your drinking has nothing to do with Laurrie and Martin. Another thing I never said. Laurrie doesn't encourage your drinking, and would prefer you not to, I know this. She goes with it, she can't stop her bf from it, doesn't mean she wants it. She isn't really permitted to lay down the law, regardless what it is, in her own house. Not as far as I can see anyways. But Martin, he is someone to drink with. Someone who drinks too much too often and can and has got out of line more than is excusable, as you know. But now that you are a drinker, and do the same, as well as have little cares how it affects those around you and you "care about, " so yes. Your relationship with Martin, just like your entire personality, has changed now that you are a drinker. Or a drunk, as you put it. So Martin actually does have something to do with you drinking, how often and how much just by being a place and company to do it with. That would be the same for any person anyplace tho, and your drinking isn't his responsibility, but the fact he also knows you get out of line and it hurts those that love you is showing me no consideration, just as he shows his gf by doing it himself. Here is the another head scratcher, you go on to tell Tierra that you found dope in our apt parking lot, you didn't do it, but put it in your pants pocket. I found it and say, "what was she doing going thru my pockets, that's the real question." AGAIN HERE, IM LIKE WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? I told you this the next day when I saw you told her this, but I will tell you again. THAT, NOT A SINGLE PART OF IT, EVER HAPPENED! And you say I'm spreading hate and trying to turn your kids against you?? Something I also would NEVER do or even want to see happen to anyone. I NEVER knew you "found" some bag of dope in our apt parking lot or any parking lot anywhere. I also NEVER found dope in any pocket of yours. First I heard any part of this scenario. When I told you this never happened, and nothing even close to it did either, you just looked at me like you were a bit stumped. Than you said, "it didn't?" I said no, none of it, and you frowned, and said, "huh. Ok"
If you really thought this happened, THERE is a ****ing clue you need to stop drinking!! If you just thought maybe I had found something you did have, because you had some at some point, and you were doing the Louie bull**** to cover your ass in case I did and had told her something to that effect, well, it wouldn't be even close to the first time youve made up stories to try to cover something up, but I didn't tell her that, because I never went thru your pockets, and I never found anything, so like your guilty and just telling another lie, like second nature to you anymore, or the drinking and drugs you are using if you are, are just damaging your brain more and more by the day. You DID have Coke on you, tried to get me to do a line, actually pulled out a bindle and made a line up on the coffee table when I was really sick the first week with bronchitis. I was disgusted with you and the fact that your thinking is so ****ed up anymore, you thought for even a second I would be ok with that or take it. You gave me another BS story a day or two later when I brought it up, saying you only had it because you wanted me to do it so I would feel better. for twenty minutes intervals
. Ridiculous.
,And here is the best thing you told Tierra. And remember, this is the same day you told me all you mushy BS. You told her, "I drink because I am not happy with Tricia. That's why I drink."
So we have come full circle. It is my fault you drink, just like it was my fault you drank when you were married to Lisa, and my fault you started doing drugs again. I have told you for two years you aren't happy. THAT'S OBVIOUS. NOBODY WITH ANY ADDICTION IS HAPPY, and if it's me, PLS go be happy, because Im not ****ing happy either. Not living with a liar. not being with a cheater. not being with a delusional, volatile gacked out tweaker, or a drunk. BUT JUST EARLIER THAT DAY, I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. ITS YOURSELF YOU AREN'T HAPPY WITH. THEN TO TIERRA, DIFFERENT STORY AND NEW STORIES,
THEN LAURRIE, the one I have encouraged you, reminded you, asked you to include and call and the one you actually got mad at me for sending her money once, but have every time she has asked me if I had it, the one you got mad at me for giving her your new phone number one time even, THAT LAURRIE, you tell her that you asked me why I was trying to turn your kids against you, that you didn't care if we were together anymore anyways, AND you may bail Lisa out of Jail with your NV money.
ALL THAT IN ONE DAY. THREE PPL, THREE ****ING LOUIE'S. BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I AM JUST ALWAYS UPSET FOR NO REASON. YOU DON'T START **** AND DRAMA. YOU DONT LIE. YOU DONT CARE ABOUT LISA, ONLY WOULD BAIL HER OUT AND SEE HER BECAUSE YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR KIDS: YOU DONT WANT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, OR ANYONE REALLY. you can't. you don't idt ever have one with yourself. It's not possible if you never deal with real feelings. or real consequences, or real accountability.
AND THIS NOVEL IS JUST THE TIP OF A NAILHEAD. YOU DON'T LOVE ME, YOURE NOT HAPPY, OUR LIFE TOGETHER IS ****, AND SEEMS TO KEEP GOING DOWNHILL AND STARTED FROM DAY ONE. OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP, EVEN THE GOOD TIMES, WHICH WEREN'T REALLY NOW THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT MOST OF IT, IS ALL LIES. EVERYTHING IS A LIE.
But I know now. You didn't hate me. You also weren't in love with tho. Probably never have been. I was just a hot young easy target. And like the first time we met, when I divorced you, you were not the one that made the decision on how things would go. That is the reason that ever so often, I popped in your head. You got with Lisa because you wanted to. You had been getting with her for years already. Her and I are very very different people. You were happy with her. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten married when you did if you hadn't already knocked her up, but you would've at some point. You weren't in some self destructive binge drinking drug taking out of control state because of losing me, like the story you tell. You were already constantly drinking and using when we were married. It is why your abuse got worse and worse. I'm sure your drinking and using kept on increasing, but that is just the nature of addiction. It had been increasing for years, just like now. Once you started using again, it was balls to the wall. Once you started drinking again, the amount increases, just like your **** attitude and treatment of me and others. Mostly me, as usual. Once again, these last several years, I have convinced myself and racked my brain as to why you hate me so much. Logically I know it's not so, but I still have to talk myself out of the spiralling thoughts I have that you do. So, You and Lisa were good together. You loved each other, she will let you get away with murder, and you know she would never leave you no matter what. Yes, she threatened, yes she screamed and yelled at you when you ****ed up, I'm sure she did other wifely things when she was pissed, but she'd never leave for real and for good. You were happy, she was happy. You had a family. You had bikes, boats, cars, vacations, tons of family and friend memories, great sex, you always had her back, never let anyone disrespect her even if she asked for it. Yall ran into some issues with drugs and your drinking, and you two made it through that as well. Tons of family camping fun. Everyone I have ever heard talk about you two together says the same thing. You two were good together. You two were so in love. You two were happy. Yes she slept with your best friend before you were married, but you didn't hold that against either of them. You didn't mind sharing, you told me you two had one or two threesomes as well. You had a few lot lizards, and Jetpack Amy (ha ha) so no biggie. Again, as long as you are involved in the decisions, it's always good for you, right? You talk about her all the time. Look at her pictures all the time. ****ed me over with her all the time, then again, and again, and again. You quit drinking for her. You took care of her. You were always posting cutsie things on FB to her, bringing her gifts from the road, you say nobody ever really liked her because she was a *****, but you loved her and were happy and that was all that mattered. I don't really believe nobody liked her, but again, you are the only person I have ever heard say you two weren't happy. Never talked. Stopped having sex or just in and out for years. Never kissed her. Always fought. You had wanted to divorce her for over 6 plus years when we started talking the last time. Some reason, ya just didn't huh? Yet when I was in the truck with you that first trip, you two talked on the phone almost once an hour. Every two hours for sure. You both said I love you when you hung up. Recent posts on FB were all lovey dovey, OH WAIT! even while you and I were living together you two posted I love you's and stuff. You would have to hurry and get back home to her before you moved in with me and added to our fake relationship. You continued sleeping with her after we got a place. You LOVE HER, WERE IN LOVE WITH HER, LOVE HER STILL, WERE HAPPY, AND EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT HER AND YOU WAS PRETTY MUCH A LIE. I have literally heard you talking to so many different people over the years, and you even tell them you two were happy. Things were great. Up until you found out she had been using for years. Not sure why that mattered if you couldn't even tell, so you two were still good. After 24 25 years, that is the one and only thing and you were just like, I'm out. Except you weren't really out. Ever. Still really aren't. You NEVER wanted a divorce. I am 100% sure of that. That is why you drug your feet, tried to get me to do it for you when I gave you the ultimatum, and since, you have thrown it in my face many times. Saying I ruined your marriage, I forced you to divorce her, I ruined your life. YOU CAME TO ME MOTHER ****ER. AND OVER THE YEARS TRIED TO START UP CONVERSATIONS AND WANTING TO MEET AND ASKING ME HOW TO DIVORCE HER SEVERAL TIMES. YOU ****ED UP YOUR LIFE. AND YOU ****ED UP LISA'S LIFE. AND YOU ****ED UP MY LIFE AAAAGGGGAAAAIIIINNNN. Nobody that loves and wants to be with someone lies and cheats from the get go, and leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back. Nobody that has wanted nothing more than another chance with the love of their life, gets that chance and not only blows it, but treats her horribly, cheats, hurts her kid, spreads horrible lies and rumors about her, let's their ex harass her constantly, takes all the forgiving, bending over backwards, sweet note writing, home cooking and doing things to make being on the road a little easier for you, ****ing drives for you for free for months, is supportive when you want help for get sober, does anything your kids ask and loves and cares about them even tho you start drama between them, gives you full body massages because you worked hard and were in pain, BUT TAKES ALL THAT FOR GRANTED. DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT, BASICALLY THROWS IT IN HER FACE UNTIL SHE FINALLY IS JUST DEAD INSIDE BUT YOU STILL STAY EVEN THO WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION AFFECTION ANYTHING ANYMORE, why you ask? Because Lisa only had 3-6 months left, and it was too hard to watch her go you said, and there was no future with her since she was dying, But here we are again.
I WAS YOU MIDLIFE CRISIS SHAKE THINGS UP AND MAKE LIFE INTERESTING FOR A BIT GIRL.
THAT IS ALL I WAS AND THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER LEFT LISA REALLY. THAT IS WHY YOU CAN STAY WITH ME THIS LAST YEAR SINCE YOU THOUGHT SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE BY NOW, BUT have no real relationship with me. That is why you are fine drinking no matter how it hurts me, no matter what you do and how you act toward me when you drink, no matter what I say, no matter that I just try to avoid you when you drink, which is pretty much daily, and that I resent you more every day. You don't care, because you are not in love with me, and could care less about being with me or a future other than you don't want to be alone, and like you always have, you pretty much do what you want. Come and go as you please. When you want attention because you are bored or want something or whatever, you make all you same tired overused promises and apologies, declare you false love to me, etc. I really love the "I miss you" BS you say when you are trying to win me over for the few minutes you want attention. I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE *******. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT LEFT. FIRST PHYSICALLY, OVER AND OVER ALL THE TIME FOR YEARS, THEN MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
I, you know the ****ing idiot that is me, I have been here. I finally told you about 6 or so months ago, that I was DONE investing in us. In you. You asked me every time I had to tell you again, "are you saying you are breaking up with me?? " Same answer every time from me was, "no, you can stay, go, keep doing what you are doing, whatever you want. I am just done putting energy, faith, plans, anything into us or you anymore. I am tired of being the only one doing it. Nothing you say means anything anymore. I have trusted, believed, forgave, one more timed, the last time. If you want us and a future together, you will just do what you know anyone in a relationship does, and do it consistently. You will stop the same **** you have had on a rinse and repeat cycle since we got together, and stop running you mouth about what you are sorry for, need to do, are going to do, etc. Or don't and you know where I stand. I told you a year ago when you came to KS JUST so you could get into treatment because of your insurance. I was very clear, CRYSTAL clear that you were only there for the few days it should take to get into your treatment, we were NOT together, You did not live at that apt, and if treatment went well and you were serious, worked it, stayed sober, maybe we could revisit the possibility of a relationship, but no promises. You knew about Levi and that he and I lived there, I was still working with him on his mess and disaster, it was no concern of yours and you agreed because you chose not to live there and hadn't for two months, instead living with Lisa again. Your few days turned into almost three months, and you were drunk for most of that. Put me and Corky thru hell again, got on Levi, got In a physical fight with him, just became your typical drunk *******. when you got out of treatment, and after the first great week and half, then started drinking, which quickly escalates by the week, I told you what was going to happen. I told you at least once a week, I was done with this, stay away from me, and you just continued to drink, cause me pain and stress, and ignored everything I said or argued and fought with me constantly. What do I do? Still try and help you prepare for the job you wanted with Brent, didn't, then with the Oregon one.. I was still clear about where I stood. I had told Tierra the same thing a few months before you left and around the time you did as well. and Ive said it over and over here. You think it's funny to start drama, try to get all handsy whem your drunk, don't seem to care how bad you smell no matter how many times I tell you how bad it is, would rather let, and cause, others to disrespect me so you can always make sure you can run to them and say how horrible you are treated, BUT THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE FLEW IF I WERE LISA. WOULDNT MATTER IF IT WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR KIDS, YOUR BOSS, NOBODY. But you have NEVER had you whores back. NEVER. Because you are not in love with me, and I was just an excursion that got all ****ed up. There is simply no other way to explain a man, YOU, who can say all three of these things to three different ppl all in the same day.
To me, "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much, I want us. Only you. I will quit drinking, I am sorry I hurt you. I am really sorry that you have to go thru the **** I caused and that you ever even feel worried I am doing anything with Lisa or anyone. I caused that, and I am sorry. I want to fix this, we can, and I will absolutely go to counseling with you. I want to. I love you. I have insurance so we can go. "
heard all that before, but also same day
To Tierra
You tell her not to let me fill her heart with hate.
Why you think I would ever try to do that, and how you think I was is beyond me. If you knew me at all, you know that is not something I would EVER try to do to anyone. I don't "hate" and I am all about kindness and family being close and I am the person who is always trying my hardest to see the best in everyone. To try and see things from other's point of view, and am the one who tries to give the benefit of doubt when strangers are being jerks. You know this, or used to know when you were present in the world. So wth that means is another mystery to me.
You then tell her your drinking has nothing to do with Laurrie and Martin. Another thing I never said. Laurrie doesn't encourage your drinking, and would prefer you not to, I know this. She goes with it, she can't stop her bf from it, doesn't mean she wants it. She isn't really permitted to lay down the law, regardless what it is, in her own house. Not as far as I can see anyways. But Martin, he is someone to drink with. Someone who drinks too much too often and can and has got out of line more than is excusable, as you know. But now that you are a drinker, and do the same, as well as have little cares how it affects those around you and you "care about, " so yes. Your relationship with Martin, just like your entire personality, has changed now that you are a drinker. Or a drunk, as you put it. So Martin actually does have something to do with you drinking, how often and how much just by being a place and company to do it with. That would be the same for any person anyplace tho, and your drinking isn't his responsibility, but the fact he also knows you get out of line and it hurts those that love you is showing me no consideration, just as he shows his gf by doing it himself. Here is the another head scratcher, you go on to tell Tierra that you found dope in our apt parking lot, you didn't do it, but put it in your pants pocket. I found it and say, "what was she doing going thru my pockets, that's the real question." AGAIN HERE, IM LIKE WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? I told you this the next day when I saw you told her this, but I will tell you again. THAT, NOT A SINGLE PART OF IT, EVER HAPPENED! And you say I'm spreading hate and trying to turn your kids against you?? Something I also would NEVER do or even want to see happen to anyone. I NEVER knew you "found" some bag of dope in our apt parking lot or any parking lot anywhere. I also NEVER found dope in any pocket of yours. First I heard any part of this scenario. When I told you this never happened, and nothing even close to it did either, you just looked at me like you were a bit stumped. Than you said, "it didn't?" I said no, none of it, and you frowned, and said, "huh. Ok"
If you really thought this happened, THERE is a ****ing clue you need to stop drinking!! If you just thought maybe I had found something you did have, because you had some at some point, and you were doing the Louie bull**** to cover your ass in case I did and had told her something to that effect, well, it wouldn't be even close to the first time youve made up stories to try to cover something up, but I didn't tell her that, because I never went thru your pockets, and I never found anything, so like your guilty and just telling another lie, like second nature to you anymore, or the drinking and drugs you are using if you are, are just damaging your brain more and more by the day. You DID have Coke on you, tried to get me to do a line, actually pulled out a bindle and made a line up on the coffee table when I was really sick the first week with bronchitis. I was disgusted with you and the fact that your thinking is so ****ed up anymore, you thought for even a second I would be ok with that or take it. You gave me another BS story a day or two later when I brought it up, saying you only had it because you wanted me to do it so I would feel better. for twenty minutes intervals
. Ridiculous.
,And here is the best thing you told Tierra. And remember, this is the same day you told me all you mushy BS. You told her, "I drink because I am not happy with Tricia. That's why I drink."
So we have come full circle. It is my fault you drink, just like it was my fault you drank when you were married to Lisa, and my fault you started doing drugs again. I have told you for two years you aren't happy. THAT'S OBVIOUS. NOBODY WITH ANY ADDICTION IS HAPPY, and if it's me, PLS go be happy, because Im not ****ing happy either. Not living with a liar. not being with a cheater. not being with a delusional, volatile gacked out tweaker, or a drunk. BUT JUST EARLIER THAT DAY, I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. ITS YOURSELF YOU AREN'T HAPPY WITH. THEN TO TIERRA, DIFFERENT STORY AND NEW STORIES,
THEN LAURRIE, the one I have encouraged you, reminded you, asked you to include and call and the one you actually got mad at me for sending her money once, but have every time she has asked me if I had it, the one you got mad at me for giving her your new phone number one time even, THAT LAURRIE, you tell her that you asked me why I was trying to turn your kids against you, that you didn't care if we were together anymore anyways, AND you may bail Lisa out of Jail with your NV money.
ALL THAT IN ONE DAY. THREE PPL, THREE ****ING LOUIE'S. BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I AM JUST ALWAYS UPSET FOR NO REASON. YOU DON'T START **** AND DRAMA. YOU DONT LIE. YOU DONT CARE ABOUT LISA, ONLY WOULD BAIL HER OUT AND SEE HER BECAUSE YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR KIDS: YOU DONT WANT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, OR ANYONE REALLY. you can't. you don't idt ever have one with yourself. It's not possible if you never deal with real feelings. or real consequences, or real accountability.
AND THIS NOVEL IS JUST THE TIP OF A NAILHEAD. YOU DON'T LOVE ME, YOURE NOT HAPPY, OUR LIFE TOGETHER IS ****, AND SEEMS TO KEEP GOING DOWNHILL AND STARTED FROM DAY ONE. OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP, EVEN THE GOOD TIMES, WHICH WEREN'T REALLY NOW THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT MOST OF IT, IS ALL LIES. EVERYTHING IS A LIE.
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