I don't even have a title
Posted 06-10-2024 at 05:37 PM by trickydawn
****, I don't know how many times I am going to start this, just to erase everything an start over a few paragraphs in. I have been trying to organize my thoughts alon with my damn emotions for at least a month. The last week or so has put so much more on my mind and heart, that now my brain is like two tornados crashing into each other, and I can't form full and complete thoughts out of it all for myself, much less try to communicate them to you. I am emotionally beyond exhausted, my stomach is a mess, I can't think or sleep well or find enough quiet alone time to sort it all, so I am trying to write it all here. I don't even know if I will let you read it, or read it to you. I honestly don't feel like it would matter, because I haven't felt like how I feel and what I need has mattered to you for a long long time, if ever. Yes, you say it matters. Matters a lot. You give me the "I'm right here" pep talk once a week, and make eye contact with me while I spill all I am feeling for about ten minutes. You even let me talk without interruption for the most part, and assure me you hear me. Once i've poured all my feelings out, I hear a few affirmations from you about what you are going to stop or start doing to fix what you can on your end, we hug, and everything just slips into the file marked, "forget about it."
Trying to just focus on my thoughts and feelings from November till now is what I am hoping to do. It is this time period that has put me in this current broken, messy, melancholy state that I have tried to explain to you. Unfortunately, with the weight of the last four years worth of drama, chaos, betrayals, and restarts that have still never been properly dealt with, which would have put it to bed for good, I have to muddle through the mess of all wreckage to pull out JUST this past few months. But I am going to do the best I can.
The short and not so sweet of it is this....
I cannot go to Nevada with you, and we need to end this relationship that exists to you when it serves your needs. Even when you're current role is my boyfriend, the man that loves and wants only me now and till the end of days, it's never been a part you fully committed to. Maybe for a few weeks, even a month or two at most, you played the part and even probably made yourself believe it was your truth, but I don't see how. You have been "dual citizenship" from the very start, and still are. I know that there are a few, not many, but a few people that don't know all the behind the scenes **** that has gone on. In fact, you are really the only one that knows it all. You share certain truths with some people in your life, and others you create the truth you want them to believe I am pretty confident that besides you, I know the most truths. Aside from Lisa, I have spent the most day in, day out time with you, and was of clear mind to know what I saw, heard, read, and lived. I have a pretty good memory when it comes to things that affect me emotionally, and am pretty tuned into others' emotions. I am also a very attentive listener, focused on the words and their meaning when someone is talking. For the most part, how you relate to others, or respond in certain situations, is almost identical to when I met you in the 80s. When we reconnected a few years ago, this did not seem to be the case. After only a short time, the way you reacted and communicated changed from giving a confident and strong, patient, attentive, considerate vibe, to the Louie from our younger days.
***and there I go, off the main short and sweet of it like I wanted, and wander over to the land of venting. That place I often stray to, because I am relentlessly attempting to communicate with you in a way that will feel like we both are understanding and caring about the other ones feelings. If that worked, then we could resolve whatever it was, and grow as a couple. You know, like we both said we wanted to do in our new and future life together. Having learned from our failed past relationships with each other, as well others. I will try to refocus again.
Actually, I started to give an account of everything, again, before you left in November, but there is no point. It is the same as every other build up. The only difference in this one, at least that stands out to me, is that the previous few weeks prior to you packing all you could and fleeing back to Nevada, you made a point to say that you WOULD NOT go back to Nevada without me again, WOULD NOT spend Thanksgiving away from me or leave me alone for it, and WOULD NOT be away from me on our "anniversary" again, NO WAY, even though I was encouraging you to go see the baby. Than you pulled all the same crap, and took off to hang out with Lisa again. As usual, claiming it was to clear your head and be with the kids and babies again, but we know how that goes. You also left me to figure out all our bills again, didn't keep contact with me, not only stayed with Lisa.....and Ed of course...but paid for her to stay in a hotel AND told her you WOULD marry her again if she got clean and you and I weren't together. And to be fair, we werent together. You even verbalized that very point to more than one person in Carson, but even if you hadn't, your actions were clear. People in a relationship don't go stay with exes, or even the opposite unrelated sex, stop regular contact with the other, decide to use all the "shared household funds" on whatever and whoever they want without any discussion, take off without an agreement and time of return, leave the other alone on holidays and when they had been sick with a bleeding stomach issue, and not even check on them or say Happy Tday.. Nope, so you clearly were NOT in a relationship with me, because that is NOT a loving healthy loyal relationship in any way whatsoever. Yet that is how it goes in your head, and it must also be an acceptable way to treat someone to you, because it has been this from the beginning, and moving several states away has only made it more expensive. Yet you manage, don't you.
You ditching me for thanksgiving and the anniversary day you put so much importance on, but have spent the last two years, which is when we decided to acknowledge it I believe, with Lisa, and again pleading your case and why you need me, miss me, only want to be with me and don't want to be in Carson until you are stronger, or have anything to do with Lisa at all anymore, and all the other same ****, really ****ed me up this time. A lot of what added to the normal pain, anger, and strong convictions not to ever have you in my life again, was that I had let more of my protection wall come down with how much I allowed myself to invest in Tierra and the kids. I have loved them and wanted to be in their lives for a few years already, of course, but I let myself see and expect to have them in all my future years, without telling myself to always be prepared for you to change it with your ever changing wants, loyalties, whims, or desire to hurt me. Along with the holidays and kids, I than find out, and not by you, that after again leaving me high and dry, sick, and with no food or thought, you got Lisa a room for two weeks and have no explanation for where you spent the rest of your (yes YOUR) money, but don't have the money to come home. You thougaddinght you could convince me that you wandered the desert for days or a week and were by yourself, and sober. Convinced your daughter of the that, but I wasn't even a little convinced, and knew the truth from the get go after hearing that BS. And of course you came clean, but like all the lies, broken promises, and every single act of total disrespect, humiliating, and ruthless act you have repetitively done to not only me, but Lisa, you dont think you have done anything wrong.
Trying to just focus on my thoughts and feelings from November till now is what I am hoping to do. It is this time period that has put me in this current broken, messy, melancholy state that I have tried to explain to you. Unfortunately, with the weight of the last four years worth of drama, chaos, betrayals, and restarts that have still never been properly dealt with, which would have put it to bed for good, I have to muddle through the mess of all wreckage to pull out JUST this past few months. But I am going to do the best I can.
The short and not so sweet of it is this....
I cannot go to Nevada with you, and we need to end this relationship that exists to you when it serves your needs. Even when you're current role is my boyfriend, the man that loves and wants only me now and till the end of days, it's never been a part you fully committed to. Maybe for a few weeks, even a month or two at most, you played the part and even probably made yourself believe it was your truth, but I don't see how. You have been "dual citizenship" from the very start, and still are. I know that there are a few, not many, but a few people that don't know all the behind the scenes **** that has gone on. In fact, you are really the only one that knows it all. You share certain truths with some people in your life, and others you create the truth you want them to believe I am pretty confident that besides you, I know the most truths. Aside from Lisa, I have spent the most day in, day out time with you, and was of clear mind to know what I saw, heard, read, and lived. I have a pretty good memory when it comes to things that affect me emotionally, and am pretty tuned into others' emotions. I am also a very attentive listener, focused on the words and their meaning when someone is talking. For the most part, how you relate to others, or respond in certain situations, is almost identical to when I met you in the 80s. When we reconnected a few years ago, this did not seem to be the case. After only a short time, the way you reacted and communicated changed from giving a confident and strong, patient, attentive, considerate vibe, to the Louie from our younger days.
***and there I go, off the main short and sweet of it like I wanted, and wander over to the land of venting. That place I often stray to, because I am relentlessly attempting to communicate with you in a way that will feel like we both are understanding and caring about the other ones feelings. If that worked, then we could resolve whatever it was, and grow as a couple. You know, like we both said we wanted to do in our new and future life together. Having learned from our failed past relationships with each other, as well others. I will try to refocus again.
Actually, I started to give an account of everything, again, before you left in November, but there is no point. It is the same as every other build up. The only difference in this one, at least that stands out to me, is that the previous few weeks prior to you packing all you could and fleeing back to Nevada, you made a point to say that you WOULD NOT go back to Nevada without me again, WOULD NOT spend Thanksgiving away from me or leave me alone for it, and WOULD NOT be away from me on our "anniversary" again, NO WAY, even though I was encouraging you to go see the baby. Than you pulled all the same crap, and took off to hang out with Lisa again. As usual, claiming it was to clear your head and be with the kids and babies again, but we know how that goes. You also left me to figure out all our bills again, didn't keep contact with me, not only stayed with Lisa.....and Ed of course...but paid for her to stay in a hotel AND told her you WOULD marry her again if she got clean and you and I weren't together. And to be fair, we werent together. You even verbalized that very point to more than one person in Carson, but even if you hadn't, your actions were clear. People in a relationship don't go stay with exes, or even the opposite unrelated sex, stop regular contact with the other, decide to use all the "shared household funds" on whatever and whoever they want without any discussion, take off without an agreement and time of return, leave the other alone on holidays and when they had been sick with a bleeding stomach issue, and not even check on them or say Happy Tday.. Nope, so you clearly were NOT in a relationship with me, because that is NOT a loving healthy loyal relationship in any way whatsoever. Yet that is how it goes in your head, and it must also be an acceptable way to treat someone to you, because it has been this from the beginning, and moving several states away has only made it more expensive. Yet you manage, don't you.
You ditching me for thanksgiving and the anniversary day you put so much importance on, but have spent the last two years, which is when we decided to acknowledge it I believe, with Lisa, and again pleading your case and why you need me, miss me, only want to be with me and don't want to be in Carson until you are stronger, or have anything to do with Lisa at all anymore, and all the other same ****, really ****ed me up this time. A lot of what added to the normal pain, anger, and strong convictions not to ever have you in my life again, was that I had let more of my protection wall come down with how much I allowed myself to invest in Tierra and the kids. I have loved them and wanted to be in their lives for a few years already, of course, but I let myself see and expect to have them in all my future years, without telling myself to always be prepared for you to change it with your ever changing wants, loyalties, whims, or desire to hurt me. Along with the holidays and kids, I than find out, and not by you, that after again leaving me high and dry, sick, and with no food or thought, you got Lisa a room for two weeks and have no explanation for where you spent the rest of your (yes YOUR) money, but don't have the money to come home. You thougaddinght you could convince me that you wandered the desert for days or a week and were by yourself, and sober. Convinced your daughter of the that, but I wasn't even a little convinced, and knew the truth from the get go after hearing that BS. And of course you came clean, but like all the lies, broken promises, and every single act of total disrespect, humiliating, and ruthless act you have repetitively done to not only me, but Lisa, you dont think you have done anything wrong.
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