another day means another lie, excuse, shot to my heart

Yep, just another day in the life of loving Louie. Yesterday, hell might have been the day before, I got to revisit the afterschool specials in the Louie and Lisa ****show drama. Did not miss that highschool drama the last few months. If I were someone that enjoyed high school like soap operas that basically played out the same tired scene, with minor differences, over and over with no resolve, I would be in the front row with popcorn and happy as a lark. Howver, I am not that someone. The last thing I want is to front row seats, or even worse, a part in The Lisa and Louie saga, starring one over the top dramatic female bobble head, screaming and cussing nonstop, contradicting herself while generally making a lot of noice but not a lot of sense. As for her lead co star, a forever manipulating, arrogant, never at fault, quick to temper man that is unable to speak the truth and has never stuck around long enough to face the chaos, pain, or responsibility of his actions.

I am laying in bed zoning on a tv show, and farely close to falling asleep and my phone rings. I didnt look, just grabbed and answered. It's Louie, and this will be the first time we have spoken on the phone in just under a month.
stupid stupid stupid me for not seeing who was calling before answering.

So I just start rambling what I have been up to, giving myself zero chance to feel any emotion, or let myself think about anything having to do with him, us, Lisa, reality. Just say anything and everything I can think of that is current or unimportant really. The connection and wind is so bad on his end, I can't understand too much when he would talk anyways. I am pretty sure he tells me he will find somewhere out of the wind and call me back, so I say ok and hang up. Whew, I can now make an actual decision whether I answer it again or not. I mean, I am not going to lie and puff my chest out, all full of pride and strength, trying to play like I have no desire to hear his voice, talk to him, momentarily pacify myself with just the fact that for the first time in the last several weeks, I know that for at least a few minutes, he is thinking about me and giving me some of his time. So, as pathetic as that is, yes, that is what I am feeling. Along with those feelings, I am also sadly aware of how pathetic that really is. Mixed all up in that ****, I am also feeling the anger stemming from my hurt, and know that I have nothing really to say to him, nor does he even deserve to talk to me around a month after what he did. I also know this is just the same scenario, same characters, same justifications, along with the same expectations on his part to ride his Lisa time out until he is tired, bored, has broken himself down physically, or is just tired of being there so he needs to start the "I want to come home, I'm sorry I know I ****ed up, I love and need you and I know you love me" phase. And there is not one single thing for me to say that I have not said every other time we are at this point of the same **** different week Lisa and Louie Hell. Snd since this is my own personal blog, and it's kinda the point to bare all, so I can unburden my soul, ideally anyways, I also want to keep myself from answering the phone, because if I hear his well trained delivery of sweet nothings, sadness, and remorse, my brain short circuits. I mean, it 100% knows everything he will say before he says it. My head knows exactly what the soft and pleading tone will sound like while he presents his monologue. I could pick it out of a voice line up. After all, it hasn't changed much from the first time I heard it at 15 years old. Doesn't matter once I pick up the phone, or see him in person. If he is in character, determined to break through my hastily constructed walls, I could litereally be saying out loud to his face that I want him out of my life, and every word out of his mouth will not hold up for more than a week. If it is even possible, he might actually mean what he is saying, and believe it himself. Crazier things have been known to happen. If he does feel and believe his own words, it is short lived. I have often considered this, but the moment he changes his mind, for any multitude of reasons, he simply no longer feels that way, therefore, he seems to believe that invalidates any previous apology, ownership for whatever he previously admitted was wrong and hurtful and he felt very bad and wouldnever do it again. This is just one of my theories to somehow wrap my brain around a person able to live and behave as he does. But I digress, as usual. So if I actually allow contact with him, all the facts, warnings, and alarms become this background muffled noise. I am still aware what my head is saying and also know it is right, but my heart overides it the moment I let myself see, feel, or hear him. It's as if my heart has somehow put a chloryform soaked rag over my brain, and taken complete control. I am able to keep my head in the lead position if I only communicate with him through text, email or messaging. I can even ignore them completely. Not totally without effort, but I can, so ya. I answered the phone because I wasn't fully paying attention, but that started the muffling of my head, so when he called back a few minutes later, I answered fully aware it was him and my weak ass head had been overthrown by my stupid heart. Let the self inflicted wounds begin!!! I knocked down my own walls so I would be an easy target for his firing squad.

The wind was still making it hard to hear, than ok, than hard to hear. Louie takes on an almost internal voice, barely audible, when he has been smoking or out with Lisa at the Stagecoach meth compound. It's one of many very obvious giveaways, even though he will still deny to the last breath. Actually that isn't true. He usually will admit to most things the second or third breath before his last, no matter how long he adamantly and often angrily, held on to his denial. And it is INFURIATING, because I tell him I know he is lying, he knows I know he is lying, and after a certain amount of time has passed I guess, or he gets in the mood to finally say ya, he was lying and he knew I knew he was lying, he will just say, "Remember this or that on that one day or at that place? Ya, i did it, and I know you already know that, and I don't know why I keep denying it, but you were right." HA! There was a time when I actually believed this was progress. Not only is he owning his lie and the action he was lying about, he's even trying to figure out why he does that, especially when he knows I know without a doubt. But progress was not made. I don't believe there has ever been any progress in any part of his behaviours and what he tells himself is ok, and how he interacts with others. With any and all people in his life, but mostly his partners. Here is why those confessions, him questioning why he does it and even talking about needng to get some help to figure it out more than once, were not progress. Louie will than, at some later time, not only deny that same thing he was denying, but will than deny he ever came clean to me. He will deny the entire conversation ever happened. From confessing out of the blue, to admitting he knew I knew he was lying, to the therapist, ALL OF IT. i feel my head exploding and my mental stability wavering. It not only feels like a kick in my gut, I am udderly baffled why he would do this mind ****, like so many other mind ****s he seemingly throws me off in every way with. And appears completely annoyed or taken aback to my reactions. I often feel he does these mind ****erys totally on purpose to weaken my mental/emotional wellbeing. I see many markers in Lisa's behaviour, self worth, childlike neediness and tantrums, as well as her ability to function on certain levels of intelect that could be a direct result of years of gas lighting. That's essentially what it is, purposeful or not.

Damnit, I strayed off topic again. Louie is such a phscycological onion, per say, that I get lost in trying to sum him up with just a few words. My brain will than think of another area I can't explain his thought process, a very clear minded part he is playing to manipulate those around him, or............ It goes on and on. Maybe not knowing for sure is why I can still love him and I keep trying to find the solution to us and for his head to have peace, even after so many truly traumatic and terrifying situations he has put me through. Most he also denys or shifts the whole reality of, which of course leaves him with no understanding of the ptsd it has left in me. I feel and he will act like he triggers it in my and than keeps pushing me mentally, to that point of no return on purpose. Again and again. Seems to not even notice I will be almost hyperventilating at times, and fully unable to breath other times. I tell him my heart is pounding, and my chest hurts, please stop whatever he is saying or doing. I tell him it's putting me in a full panic attack, i will start getting dizzy, lips and tip of my nose and arms start going numb, sometimes I start dry heaving, and he can look at me with this stone cold face and eyes, and kinda chuckle. He will say, 'I don't know what your upset about." or "What are you crying for? I'm not doing anything. I think you might be bi polar or something. You should get help." Another one he will say, after I had not slept well the night before because of anxiety from a similar scenario the night before is he will say "Tricia, I really really need you to sleep tonight. You need to get some rest, because I think it's making you not be able to think right. You are nervous and emotional. I need you to sleep Tricia, I can't deal with this." YA, HE WILL MAKE THE VERY PANIC ATTACK, anxiety, triggered ptsd that HE caused the night before or even a few hours before, all about me and needing rest. Like I am some fragile feeble minded child, when he knows damn well why I am in that state. His eyes always change when he gets like that, he starts pacing, and whatever he moves or opens/closes or touches, he will do it extremely fast and hard, almost or even sometimes breaking small things like drawers coming off tracks, or causing door knobs to get loose over time, just overly muscling things with this aggression almost. He looks at me like I'm some enemy he just encountered for the first time, and will randomly shout almost these questions at me that I have no idea where they came from. If I ask him any type of question, he will become extremely agitated with me. Any question, like is he ok, can I help him find something, what is going through his head, does he want to go do something, any question. He starts mumbling to himself, and if I am not sure if hes talking to me, I ask, and this willl also **** him off. Than he will just start staring at something. The wall, a towel, a piece of clothing, and he will become fixated on it. At this point, I have started getting chest pains, I can feel my shoulders hunched up all tight, my mouth is bone dry, there are sharp pains that will start shooting in random parts of my head, and I can feel my eyes darting all over the place, like I will all of sudden see something that I can use to make this stop before it gets worse. I verbalize how I am feeling, and for him to please stop telling me there are words and messages in the condensation on the windows, or the clothes he is wearing, on the wall. I tell him he is giving me a panic attack, I can't breathe, and remind him that this is his head playing tricks on him. NObody is writing messages, or codes, nobody is watching or listening to us, please trust me like you said you would if this happens. Let's go do something out of the house for a little bit, please remember our long talks and your realizations about the blurred lines and whats real and whats not real. None of it works, and he will most likely have one of his flashlights now telling me I have to see the words, and why do they or sometimes he asks why I keep doing this to him. What do I or they want. Sometimes I have to get away from him and leave in my car and stay in it for hours or till I think he has gone to sleep or snapped out of it. Poor Corky seems to get as anxious as I do and if he wont try to listen and trust me, or find something that will bring him back out of it, we have to go. He has raged at me, broke things, told me he wants to kill me, mocked me, etc when he is in that mindset. I used to have nightmares for almost 15 years or more after our divorce. They always involved him and memories of past times I was very scared by him. About 7 years ago, he and I had been chatting here and there. I told him a few of the times he had terrified me when we were younger, and he asked me to please stop, he didnt want to hear those things, and couldn't remember most of it, and didn't want to remember he did some of that to me because he felt awful about it. I hardly felt that was fair, because he not only did do a lot of **** to me, I lived it than and every night in my nightmares. Some things even affected how I reacted to some life situations. One time we were chatting on the computer,and Louie said, "you know how I told you before that I didn't remember doing a lot of those things to you when we were married?" I said yes. Louie said, "i'm sorry. That isnt true. I remember all of it, I just didn't want to hear you tell me them, and hear how much it hurt and scared you. I hate myself for doing those things to you, and I hated myself and thought about them for many years after you divorced me. I am so sorry, and wish I could take it all back. I could never hurt anyone like that now. Will you please forgive me?" I immediately told him he was already forgiven, and to hear him say those, or type those words, and not only tell me yes, he knows he did that stuff, but ask me to forgive him and apologize to me, was so freeing to my spirit and heart. I was emotional, I don't know if he knew that, but I remember that these sobs came out of me that felt like they were literally trapped bubbles that had been in my chest and stomach for almost two decades. I felt them leave with the sobs that kinda came out of newhere, and once they were out of me, I felt airy. Light. I didn't have a single nightmare, or relive any one of the bad memories from our marriage or dating time. And than Louie came back into my life.

So, here I go again, trying to finish what I started to right. Louie calls me back. The reception is still kinda in and out, and he spends the first few minutes talking to some guy, like I'm not even on the phone and he didn't just call me. Reception, wind, Louie always moving around, a quad motor I think, (now that I think about it, very well was the quad I used to have) and finally the guy stops talking with louie, or he leaves. I think Louie asked me how I was, and that's when that same damn opening credits to The Lisa and Louie ****show drama started. Same ****, different year and further away. THANK GOD FOR SOME ASPECT.

Lisa mile a minute clenched jawed deep and already on the verge of yelling "Hey, Louie. LOUIE, who is that? LOUIE who are you talking to? HELLO LOUIE, answer me mother ****er, who's on the phone, who are you talking to mother ****er?! "

I can hear that Louie is turning his body away from her, or just gripping the phone and pressing it to him, keeping her from grabbing or reading it. ignoring her the first few times, Louie, at half the volume of her voice, answeres "Nobody Mother ****er", and says, "i'll call you later" to me, but didn't even get his sentence out all the was before he was hanging up on "nobody."

Before he gets hung up, I hear those of so familiar words from Lisa, as she screams "YOU ****ING LIED TO ME LOUIE. YOU SAID YOU WERENT TALKING TO HER, YOU LYING MOTHER ****ER LOUIE!"

And here we are again. Almost as if it was just yesterday, I hear Lisa demanding to know who Louie is talking to, her calling him out on yet another, but same lie, he gets half the words "i'll call you back" out, and the phone goes dead. He has also rushed his "i will call you back" many times before I hear Lisa, because like with me, he will sneak away out of earshot to make his calls to whichever one of us is the sidebitch that week, and She will follow or just happen to be looking for him and catch him. His voice picks up this kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar difference. He will rush through a muffled "I'll call you later or back", and his tone goes up just slightly, and I swear you can hear his heartbeat in his voice. He really has very obvious telltale signs about him that might as well be a cow bell around his neck when he is lying, high, planning on taking off even if it is across town for a few hours in the middle of the night, I have always known hours before. Each time, every time, and have even told him hours before I know he is taking off. Of course he will deny it, so ridiculous, and than off he goes while I am asleep, in the bathroom even, or if he thinks I may confront him before he can get gone, he will do that thing where he will completely manifest something I have all of a sudden done, and leave while saying he knows this or that i did or why did i do blah blah, half sentences that make no sense, but gets him out the door with his unitelligable sudden accusing nonsense. LOL, than there's the, "I can't sleep or my back is hurting so I'm going to watch tv in the living room for a little bit." And poof, he's gone, just like I knew he would be. Sometimes, because he insisted on sneaking around, lying about plans to leave and where he was when he did leave, and jsut plain tunring our realationship into a parent child one, than into a cheating dishonest waste of our lives relationship that forced me into the role I never wanted and have never been in. The role of the suspicious, angry, and humiliated woman of an unfaithful, no character belly crawling abusive *******. But that same man that no woman would go on a single date with if she read his dating profile, and it described him only in terms of what he was doing every day and how he spent one or two weeks with this woman and than the other, the amount of drugs he was doing and leaving in spots all over town, his gambling selling off everything he owned, telling vicious lies to people about one of the woman, saying horrible things about the other woman to whichever he was with, yelling, name calling, crossing line after line, but that same man would put me through every possible hell he could and than ask me to please help him get better and sober, because he knew that even if I was done with his **** and wanted nothing to do with him as a boyfriend, I wouldnt and couldn't tell someone I was in love with, or really anyone for that matter, no if they asked and needed my help. It's one of the reasons he has been able to stay in my life all these years. Than and now. He has said some straight up down and dirty, nasty and vicious things about me to a lot of people. Unless he had fallen victim to his head once again, he has always known I am always going to help anyone if I can, often at any cost. He has always known I have never hurt anyone, and even tho someone hurts me, I still won't turn them away. He is proof of that, and if he is sober and being honest, if asked he would tell you it took well over a year or more, before I finally lashed out at Lisa, and even than, it was few and far between, and I still wanted nothing bad for her, and talking to her when she wanted, giving her gifts, telling him he shouldnt talk the way he would when he was on the Tricia week mindset, etc etc. He has certainly pushed me to the brink of insanity, tho I vowed many times to him that he would NEVER turn me into The broken bitter foul ill spirited suicidal bobblehead Lisa is, He has definately caused some damage and a change in who I am. I still didn'tfinish how Lisa than called me and asked if he had contacted me in messages or by phone since he left here, and I said yes, she tried to put him on the phone with me for some reason, but i don't know what she had in mind. She knows he won't talk to one of us with the other in earshot when he is in the middle of his same lie since we got together and isn't ready to bed hop so won't blow up on the one he is about to walk out on until he is ready to go for sure and can storm off becoming the now victim of some crazy yelling crying hitting object throwing cussing name calling and she chases too, woman that is abusing him and WAIT FOR IT.......He didn't do anything wrong. It floors me that I think for the most part, he still has his family fooled that he is a victim of one violent crazy woman or another. I know the stories have me drug addicted ( to heroin no less) crazy violent, lie to him all the time, spent all hs money, stole off hs credit cards and basically ruined his credit, got him back on drugs, cheat on him, made him think he was crazy by writing **** all over things at our house and messed with rocks and than telling him it was him, BECAUSE IT WAS, at least the things he saw that were actually real, snuck notes in his and Lisa's house , had him followed, put listening devices in his truck, pressured him to get a divorce, have lovers or husbands in other countries, tried to set him up, left him abandoned in different places , made him walk 3 or 4 miles on a broken leg in the heat, even asked me when he had once again cut and run back to his wife, Please Tricia, just don't hurt me children. Please don't take it out on them. This man NEVER ceases to amaze me. Not is ways to sweep me off my feet, not in his off the wall stories he makes up about me and tells people, not is his justifications for straight out cheating and humiliating me, not in his ability to convince 99% of all he knows, meets, or is related to of whatever he wants them to believe (including me, well i accept it even tho i don't usually believe) over and over at that, his ability to land on his feet when most wouldnt, his chameleon like personaity that adapts to any setting, how he just doesnt seem to understand how very wrong many of his actions are or why (or is able to feign a total lack of comprehension) In every way he reads 100% like a sociopath in the majority of his behaviours, and yet I still feel about 25% of the time, there is a real, empathetic, good hearted, honest, loving, funny, intelligent, even honest and loyal man in there, and I can't stop loving him and sending myself to an early grave, holding on to hope that he will get help and we as a couple will get help and he won't change in an instant to this dark scary man that acts as though he hates the very sight of me and thinks I do all this horrible stuff, the majority being things he has done to me, and wont take off all the time, and he will stand by my side and nobody elses for whatever bull**** reason he uses at the time, and AUGH I AM A STUPID ****ING STATISTIC THAT KNOWS ALL OF THIS, EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT IS WRONG, STUPID, DANGEROUS, A ROAD TO NOWHERE GOOD, A TOTAL AND COMPLETE IMPOSSIBILITY, LIKE EVERY OTHER STORY OF HIS PROFILE AND ONE OR EVEN TWO STUPID WOMAN WHO LET HIM TAKE THEIR SPIRIT, AND HE IS THE SAME PERSON HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I MARRIED AND DIVORCED, CHANGING ONLY IN SIZE, AGE, MAYBE LEARNED FEW NEW TRICKS, AND NOTHING, NOTHING I CAN DO WILL CHANGE HIM, AND NOT EVEN ON MY WORST DAY, EVEN ALL MY WORST DAYS COMBINED, DO I DESERVE SOMEONE THAT LIES, CHEATS, HUMILATES ME LIKE I HAVE NEVER BEEN OR WOULD DREAM OF HUMILIATING SOMEONE OVER AND OVER, LEAVES ME AND HAS ALMOST EVERY OTHER WEEK, FOR SURE ONCE A MONTH, SINCE WE MOVED IN TOGETHER, HAS NEVER SHOWN HIS FAMILY, FRIENDS, OR EVEN ME AND ESPECIALLY NOT HIS WIFE THAT HE HAS ANY RESPECT FOR ME OR MY FEELINGS, ACTUALLY DONE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE, ASIDE FROM A FEW EXTREMELY FEEBLE ATTEMPTS AND FAKE THREATS ABOUT NO TALKING TO THEM OR A WEAK "PLEASE STOP" HE DOESN'T DEFEND ME (which would be kinda hard to do when he has talked the most trash about me, treats me like a throwaway that has no honor to defend) bail on bills but tells everyone he pays them, but I keep gambling all the money so we cant get ahead, ;alsdjf;lakjsd l;vqaog;hivj