excuses

Funny how many different excuses, reasons if you will, for the same thing at different times you will tell me. Sometimes you will deny that you had already told me a different reason, other times, you will say you didn't want to tell me the real reason, or sometimes you will say it is both. I remember when you told me I pushed you to it, when referring to you cheating on me. Of course you also said originally it was three times that you and her had sex, than it was two, than one and finally you denied you had all together. That was strange, since you are the one that told me in the first place. Quite some time before I was even in the hospital, which is when you said you had cheated on me, you had told me, 'Yes, we kinda had sex. She kept bugging me, so we tried, but I couldn't. It made me physically sick and I had to go throw up in bathroom, and my dick wouldn't work because it wasn't you, and I'm not attracted to her." That was on one of your almost every other week stays at Lisa's while we were on Knoblock. You have since said you never said that either. Trust and believe, these are things I felt in every part of my body, mind, and heart, so I remember very very clearly when you have said these things. Just as I remember when you came back home saying you had woke up with her giving you a bj. Oh, and because that wasn't enough, (even tho you layed the bs about feeling violated and maybe pressing charges) lol it happened again, but this time you woke up while she was just trying to pull your dick out. I KNOW and knew for a long time you two were messing around, and you can mock offense all you want, I am not an idiot, and I have also seen you deny so many things with the most convincing adamant act of innocence of any Hollywood A lister in the business. Ive seen it since we were kids, I've seen it as adults, and I've seen you do it to other people when I was with you and saw you do or say the exact thing you are so convincingly denying. And you don't have to be much brighter than a cricket to know that a grown man and woman, especially that had been married, that are spending days and nights together, especially a week at a time, the women desperately trying to keep you in the home and with her, and both on a drug that causes heightened sexuality, and the chance of it NOT happening is most likely less than 2%. I could also add the numerous messages I have seen over that period of time that were clearly talking about sex you were about to have or had earlier and that you would also disappear with you sex gear......That was quite later you started doing that too, and you werent even staying there more than 24 hours. Come on, you insult me and embarass yourself to such a high degree of BS, bad BS at that. That alone should keep you from laying that **** on me or anyone. Everyone in your family knew you were over there ****ing and doping. It was so humiliating, and not in a million years would I have ever believed I would have even considered staying in that kind of nasty disrespectful relationship with ANYONE in my life, and still cant believe I did. That being just one of so many humiliating, cruel, horrible and degrading things I have allowed into my life since we started seeing each other. I honestly have no explanation for why either. The closest I can figure, is that I had gone through so much **** in the previous and recent years, that I gave up on myself a bit, and lost some of my self worth. That and I wanted us and our love story to have a happy ending so bad, i had always wanted that, but allowing your back and forth once, twice, and three years later it's still going on, along with the same tired put downs and accusations of me cheating, you yelling and calling me names, saying I am writing on everything, your invasion of my privacy, bringing your wife to our house, having her pick you up and drop you off, stomping around and terrorizing me looking in windows and recording me, allowing your wife to scream obscenities at me, threaten me and publicly attack my character on social media, (and yes, YOU ALLOW IT BY CONTINUING TO ENGAGE WITH HER, STAY WITH HER, DO DRUGS WITH HER, TELL HER ABOUT OUR FIGHTS OR SEX OR MY MEDICAL STUFF GIVE HER CAMERA ACCESS TO OUR HOME AND TAKE YOUR **** OVER THERE WHERE YOU EITHER SHARE PICS OF ME WITH HER, OR SHE GETS INTO YOUR PHONES OR TABLETS) so as Ive said hundreds of times that is all you giving her permission to do all of it, because you won't stop showing her that I am not important and you have no respect for me, therefore, she can do whatever she wants. yes, you have occasionally told her to stop that, with the effectiveness of a gnat, and you have made your empty threats, and everyone knows they are empty threats, just like hers are to you and everyone else, telling her if she doesn't stop, you wont talk to her and will block her on your phone and facebook. And you have actually done it, 24 48 hours max, because just like everyone that knows you both, she know as well.....You cannot stop talking to her, stop seeing her, stop lying about her, because you can get her sympathy, Poor Louie, when you run to her crying about how your ***** mistreats you, and you both have such a co dependant relationship, that neither of you give a damn how it negatively affects your kids and grandkids. You allow her to talk **** on your facebook as well as scream and cuss at you, and you both talk **** about the other, her calling you a lyng cheating mother ****er (which you are) and have no balls and are weak, and a loser not, and you tell me how nasty her ***** is, how filthy she is, that she can't think for herself, she is lazy, she didn't cook, was spoiled and can't keep her mouth off the pipe, and if you didn't tell her what to do, she would never get dressed and leave her bedroom, etc etc. Until you started keeping your mouth to the pipe, than one minute you are defending her, running to her, helping her with whatever she needed, (except to get clean and being accountable)the next you are saying what a horrible Mom she is and is ****ing everyone that goes over to her house, than you are one of those going there all the time and also ****ing her, so again you are defending your endless supply of dope and Lisa ***** or ass eating, whatever you guys do. And for some reason, something is so sick, twisted, downright foul, and warped in your brain, you are able to tell yourself that this is all acceptable behavior when you are also professing love and commitment to me. Putting me through hell because you and Lisa talk and come up with **** like I'm the one cheating, and I'm a spy, and I'm setting you up, etc etc, but its always you. You are the one that has given that worthless word of yours more times than I can count that you will STOP ALL CONTACT with Lisa, would no longer go over there, definitely would NEVER stay the night, (remember when you promised that one, saying you knew it was wrong and if you weren't going over there, you wouldn't have to ever defend sleeping with her, and if you had to go it was only if I went with you, and you were so so sorry you put me in the position to always worry about you two having sex and you wouldnt do that again! HA ****ING HA HA HA. THAT PROMISE LASTED MAYBE A WEEK, and that was probably because it was your off week with me at our house anyways. You have brought the same sex toys back and forth, the same BS lines back and forth, the same poison back and forth and I swear to the stars that you are so lucky you never brought any diseases back and forth.. You told me at least four, not including you, guys she ****ed on Colorado, so add you, five guys and her ****ing slime and germs you jcarried and delivered to me. Because you love me, right, and only want me, right? I am almost positive you have had your dick in her mouth or ***** the same day you had it in mine. I would bet the farm on it, because you have zero parts in you that actually cherish me, hold me dear to you, and want to keep me safe. I am nothing more to you than one of your pawns. All people are your pawns it seems. Different ones do different things for you, and once you no longer want what one has, you walk away, sometimes in a big show of insults and anger, sometimes sneaking as quick as you can, and than that pawn is of no use to you so you don't give them another thought, until you tire of your current pawn and need what a different pawn has. I hate that I have wasted over three years on the hope that you were just going through a rough time with the divorce, driving, and the stress of carrying on two relationships, and we would get through this. But I see you don't want to get through this part of your life. You refuse to stay in one place working toward something. You don't want to stay sober, don't want to get therapy to help you and us, don't want to stop lying and hiding the things that very well could be things that are keeping you down, even when everyone knows you are lying, but mainly me, don't want to be the Dad and PaPa that your family can once again be proud of and trust, don't want to marry me obviously, or be the man that's chest is there for me to lay on and feel safe and make memories, wear christmas jammies with, have grandkids running all over, and growing old with, don't want to follow through with anything, don't want to build your credit again, or even have a place to live apparently. And have you thought about what the **** you are going to do when Lisa does succumb to the cancer? You said one time, that you couldn't help her, she was so bitter and angry at the world, that even if you were there she will just take it out on you anyways, always wanting to fight, and you divorced her because you didn't want to be with her, and your future was with me anyways. Not with her, so you wanted nothing more to do with her aside from telling her to fight, and that was it. you were going to send that one little message to her about once a week, Fight Lisa, your kids need you to fight. That lasted also only about one week. It is really heartbreaking to see the person you have chose to become and stay that way. Really, it makes me so sad. Honestly, I cant even picture you as the Louie that took me on the road that first time. That brought me soup, that taught me so much about trucks, the places we drove through, how to fix things and how you kept everything tidy and always clean in your truck, in your life, and how to clean a gun, and how to remain in control and patient and calm when the world is anything but, and how you could make me feel like I was the most beautiful and loved girl in the world. How you made me feel like I WAS the luckiest girl in the world and had the most amazing, intelligent, protective, loving, fun, loyal, incredibly sexy man that loved me and knew how to treat me, even when I was emotional. Yes, it breaks my heart to see you now, with only glimpses of that man, and you doing everything you can to keep that man a memory, and stay in this neverending cycle you are on. Time just marches on, and you seem to have accepted that when time is up, you want to still be right here where you fell, instead of climbing back to where you were, or even past that. I dont know how to support you getting there, because I have tried encouraging you and getting you to open up about what you want to do and tell you I believe in you. I have tried to get you healthy again when you are looking like you were locked up abroud and looking starved and dehydrated, I have pushed therapy for years to get tools for both of us, I have taken you back and forgiven you over and over so you know that you have my support and are worth believing in, I have tried to set goals with you that you would stick to so we could accomplish the things we want and take control of our future, I have held you when your sad, and mostly, I have loved you. I have also called you out on your BS, including your excuses, denials, having everyone else do your simple life management **** like appts and phone calls, I have shared things your daughter has shared with me about her feelings and how she needs you, but again, mostly I have loved you. And by loving you, I don't mean screaming and begging you to stay with me, or feeding into your head trips and trying to keep you stuck in your addictions just to keep you around and in the same endless road to nowhere with me. I have loved you by being there and always wanting your best interest, I have loved you by telling you the truth even when you dont like it, i have loved you with my faithfullness and standing with you even when you are hurting me and even tho you say I am not showing you love, trust me, how quickly you forget, because every day, I show you love. You just arent paying attention. Every little trinket I get you, or picture made, a knife, a sunflower candle holder, a hot cloth on your aching shoulder all night, a meal cooked, a cuddle, a cup of coffee, moments of time that I give only to you and nothing else has even a thought in my head, reminding you to take your medicine, wanting to go explore something new with you............Do you get it? That's me loving you I wish you could love me just simply by staying and not continuing to humiliate me and treat me like the ***** you two call me. That would have gone a long way with me. That and just accepting once and for all that I am NOT a *****, have not, do not, and will not ever cheat, and that don't EVER bring it up again or go on some mission to find something that says otherwise, because you never will, and it only causes fights, hurt, drama, things getting broken, and it will never be true.