still dunno why
This entry won't make sense in some places, and in others, it will seem incomplete and in others still, it will be all over the place. Even more than normal when I write and am on the verge. However, the reason the 3 hour effort that I put into this ****ing thing, doesn't reflect it, neither in length or organized thoughts, is because wrote at least 300x's this amount, and with some clumsy move of my pinky finger, the majority of this entry was erased. GRRRR Im so damn annoyed. Idk what button does this, but it's happened several times while Ive been journaling over the years. I journal to feel my thoughts and feelings and to feel I have got them out and was listened to, even just by myself and the keyboard, and this leaves me feeling almost worse. Like I didn't even listen to myself. damnit Anyways, heres whats left.
Its so sill POINTLESS to pretend that I am serving even the tiniest purpose by jotting down my continued failures and hurts once every three or so years. This was only meant to give me some release and comfort this was going to be one thing I selfishly did for only myself. Nobody else has ever read my few entries, to the best of my knowledge, and if they did, the few and far between ventings would not have left anything worth the read. The few entries summed it up for anyone that spent the few times reading it. I was just gong to make the same life and love mistakes over and over react and feel as if I am the ONLY girl that has ever given all my mind, effort, heart, soul, trust, dreams and love to a man that took it all as I gave it, swore he could never love another or leave my side, and COULD NOT AND WOULD NOT ever hurt me. Can't even imagine doing anything close. and anyone who ever did, or ever cheated or left me, or anything of THAT crazy nature was and is a FOOL! An idiot!! WHO COULD EVER?!!
HAHA It's pretty comical how NON original the men I pick are, and even funnier that I look into their sincere lovesick eyes, all watery and desperate for my heart and soul to believe every bit of it. That they are different, they see me for the precious, beautiful, one in a million, smart, talented, amazing, most perfect woman in the world for them or anyone. They are just baffled and grateful I would even give them the time a day, much less love them. I am, after all WAY TOO GOOD FOR THEM, and out of their league, and they don't even come close to deserving me, and the luckiest man alive! Please, if I only trust one more time. He will spend the rest of our lives making sure that I feel loved and secure and adored. Safe and not scared. I won't be bullied or accused of being some cheating liar because I have spirit and enjoy doing things beyond being glued to my man's hip. I will also have a voice and will know my thoughts and feelings are important. I will be heard.
LOL How/when this familiar rhetoric is presented, generally after I start feeling the impending doom on the horizon. The doom that I am in love and I want this, and he will try to stifle who I am, not want The reality of what's to come, and how it will play out like always, as soon as the "honeymoon phase" that keeps the rest of the world at bay and the sex non stop. The world beyond him and me is put on a shelf. No crazy exes, no health problems, no out of hand debt or failed commitments, no friends wanting to take my attention away on the phone or with any needs of their own, and I am very, tho VERY temporarily, content giving all my attention and focus on him. Him and I. Us. I am, however, by nature, an extrovert. I need to have contact and relationships with others. I need to be needed and feel like I am making life happier, or easier for others. I need to make people smile especially when they are hurting. I need to make them laugh and relax, laugh with them which in turn relaxes me. It is what attracts people to me. What they love and are drawn to. And the very thing that seems to start the beginning of the end. Mamie used to tell me this. The very thing that attracts two people, that they love about the other, is often the VERY thing that tears them apart. The very thing that they will one day hate about the other.
Every single relationship I have ever been in, every long term significant one anyways, had this recurring theme. Boy and I are drawn to each other. At some point, Boy tells me that the sparkle in my eyes and bubbly personality lights up a room. Boy notices how my friends, and even strangers, seem to really rely on me, gravitate to me, and that it shows I really care about others and have a good spirit. Boy also likes how I carry myself with confidence and smile a lot. etc etc etc Boy starts getting all the same attention, smiles, caring and time from me that attracted him to me in the first place, plus more.. The very intimate part I don't share with anyone else. Soon we are in that private euphoric world that all lovers escape to in the beginning. Just the two of us as much as possible. Phones are rarely out, clothes rarely worn, friends and family are ignored, our bodies are scented with musk and pheromones from constant sex and desire, and most of the food eaten, is shared and fed to each other, but usually unfinished.When not making love or staring at each other in some goofy lovesick fashion, we are hanging on every word the other says. Me desperate to fill him in on every single detail of who I am and what life and the world are to me, desperate for him to know me inside and out, physically and spiritually, so I am sure he will still think me his muse and adore me. Like he did before he knew me for real. And the best part, the best thing EVER., is no matter how much I talk, regardless that I am making a fool of myself and sometimes reveal embarrassing parts of myself, no matter how tired he gets, He hangs on every word. Holds my gaze. Tells me every now and than how adorable I am and that he thinks whatever I just opened up and poured out of my mouth, makes me the cutest, most loveable, irresistible, girl he's ever met and he must kiss me that second. And than our bodies become one, before our sweat from the last time has even dried. I can't stop smiling. I know that even tho we are joined again in bodies, he heard, cared, and was interested in who I was and what I thought and have done. Louie told me not only in his actions, like they all do when I can really tell their attention is really on what I am saying and they are listening AND hearing me, but he even put it into words along with his active listening. He said, "I don't listen to people or even the noise around all the time. A lot of the time, I just turn my hearing aids down, off, or take them out. I don't EVER want to do that with you. I love to hear you talk, and what you have to say. I love listening to you get all excited about things as your talking sometimes. I love the sound of your voice and you laugh, and when you sing.....I just love listening to you and I really want to hear what you have to say, because it is important to me. You're important to me, and what you think anh=d how you feel are important to me, so I want you to know that I promise right here right now, that I will NEVER turn down or turn off my hearing aids so I don't have to listen to you. I wasted too many years wishing I could talk to you, or wishing I knew what you were doing."
You forgot those words less than 6 months later..I suppose I can't say that for sure. You may never have meant those words, so they may not have been forgotten, just those words that serve a purpose at that time, nothing more. That infamous Louie charm. You can convince a dead man he still lives, the sincerity in your face, eyes, and how your words are accepted as 100% fact, without a doubt. Noonly with details unique to our personal story, like a different location, with different jobs, his family and friends in his life, unique details all the reasons I don't want to trust another, yes, they LOVE me till they don't, everyone leaves, and how I know it is easy to believe "our love is special, we will live happily ever after, he IS different and we were made for each other and
Its so sill POINTLESS to pretend that I am serving even the tiniest purpose by jotting down my continued failures and hurts once every three or so years. This was only meant to give me some release and comfort this was going to be one thing I selfishly did for only myself. Nobody else has ever read my few entries, to the best of my knowledge, and if they did, the few and far between ventings would not have left anything worth the read. The few entries summed it up for anyone that spent the few times reading it. I was just gong to make the same life and love mistakes over and over react and feel as if I am the ONLY girl that has ever given all my mind, effort, heart, soul, trust, dreams and love to a man that took it all as I gave it, swore he could never love another or leave my side, and COULD NOT AND WOULD NOT ever hurt me. Can't even imagine doing anything close. and anyone who ever did, or ever cheated or left me, or anything of THAT crazy nature was and is a FOOL! An idiot!! WHO COULD EVER?!!
HAHA It's pretty comical how NON original the men I pick are, and even funnier that I look into their sincere lovesick eyes, all watery and desperate for my heart and soul to believe every bit of it. That they are different, they see me for the precious, beautiful, one in a million, smart, talented, amazing, most perfect woman in the world for them or anyone. They are just baffled and grateful I would even give them the time a day, much less love them. I am, after all WAY TOO GOOD FOR THEM, and out of their league, and they don't even come close to deserving me, and the luckiest man alive! Please, if I only trust one more time. He will spend the rest of our lives making sure that I feel loved and secure and adored. Safe and not scared. I won't be bullied or accused of being some cheating liar because I have spirit and enjoy doing things beyond being glued to my man's hip. I will also have a voice and will know my thoughts and feelings are important. I will be heard.
LOL How/when this familiar rhetoric is presented, generally after I start feeling the impending doom on the horizon. The doom that I am in love and I want this, and he will try to stifle who I am, not want The reality of what's to come, and how it will play out like always, as soon as the "honeymoon phase" that keeps the rest of the world at bay and the sex non stop. The world beyond him and me is put on a shelf. No crazy exes, no health problems, no out of hand debt or failed commitments, no friends wanting to take my attention away on the phone or with any needs of their own, and I am very, tho VERY temporarily, content giving all my attention and focus on him. Him and I. Us. I am, however, by nature, an extrovert. I need to have contact and relationships with others. I need to be needed and feel like I am making life happier, or easier for others. I need to make people smile especially when they are hurting. I need to make them laugh and relax, laugh with them which in turn relaxes me. It is what attracts people to me. What they love and are drawn to. And the very thing that seems to start the beginning of the end. Mamie used to tell me this. The very thing that attracts two people, that they love about the other, is often the VERY thing that tears them apart. The very thing that they will one day hate about the other.
Every single relationship I have ever been in, every long term significant one anyways, had this recurring theme. Boy and I are drawn to each other. At some point, Boy tells me that the sparkle in my eyes and bubbly personality lights up a room. Boy notices how my friends, and even strangers, seem to really rely on me, gravitate to me, and that it shows I really care about others and have a good spirit. Boy also likes how I carry myself with confidence and smile a lot. etc etc etc Boy starts getting all the same attention, smiles, caring and time from me that attracted him to me in the first place, plus more.. The very intimate part I don't share with anyone else. Soon we are in that private euphoric world that all lovers escape to in the beginning. Just the two of us as much as possible. Phones are rarely out, clothes rarely worn, friends and family are ignored, our bodies are scented with musk and pheromones from constant sex and desire, and most of the food eaten, is shared and fed to each other, but usually unfinished.When not making love or staring at each other in some goofy lovesick fashion, we are hanging on every word the other says. Me desperate to fill him in on every single detail of who I am and what life and the world are to me, desperate for him to know me inside and out, physically and spiritually, so I am sure he will still think me his muse and adore me. Like he did before he knew me for real. And the best part, the best thing EVER., is no matter how much I talk, regardless that I am making a fool of myself and sometimes reveal embarrassing parts of myself, no matter how tired he gets, He hangs on every word. Holds my gaze. Tells me every now and than how adorable I am and that he thinks whatever I just opened up and poured out of my mouth, makes me the cutest, most loveable, irresistible, girl he's ever met and he must kiss me that second. And than our bodies become one, before our sweat from the last time has even dried. I can't stop smiling. I know that even tho we are joined again in bodies, he heard, cared, and was interested in who I was and what I thought and have done. Louie told me not only in his actions, like they all do when I can really tell their attention is really on what I am saying and they are listening AND hearing me, but he even put it into words along with his active listening. He said, "I don't listen to people or even the noise around all the time. A lot of the time, I just turn my hearing aids down, off, or take them out. I don't EVER want to do that with you. I love to hear you talk, and what you have to say. I love listening to you get all excited about things as your talking sometimes. I love the sound of your voice and you laugh, and when you sing.....I just love listening to you and I really want to hear what you have to say, because it is important to me. You're important to me, and what you think anh=d how you feel are important to me, so I want you to know that I promise right here right now, that I will NEVER turn down or turn off my hearing aids so I don't have to listen to you. I wasted too many years wishing I could talk to you, or wishing I knew what you were doing."
You forgot those words less than 6 months later..I suppose I can't say that for sure. You may never have meant those words, so they may not have been forgotten, just those words that serve a purpose at that time, nothing more. That infamous Louie charm. You can convince a dead man he still lives, the sincerity in your face, eyes, and how your words are accepted as 100% fact, without a doubt. Noonly with details unique to our personal story, like a different location, with different jobs, his family and friends in his life, unique details all the reasons I don't want to trust another, yes, they LOVE me till they don't, everyone leaves, and how I know it is easy to believe "our love is special, we will live happily ever after, he IS different and we were made for each other and
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