forward

Looking forward, I realized something. I am NOT looking forward to it. JC will be 18 in less than two years. I don't know what I will get out of bed for after that. I don't have any idea where he will go in life from that point. I just hope it isn't far wherever he goes, and whatever he does. Really I just want him to pursue true happiness. Whatever that means for him, I just want to know how he is doing. Be there to listen or give advice if needed, cheer him on, and not ever wonder where or how he is. Is this realistic, probably not, so I can't honestly say how I am goin to handle it. I have lost so much the last four years, so damn much, all in terms of people. Relationships with my loved ones. My Mom, Tanya, my entire extended family in Kansas, church, pastor, Jeanne, my family unit with Matt and Jacobey, my future as planned for two decades, three dogs I love very much, my identity and sense of security, Damien, and now Jodi and all three kids. Mamie right before all that started. Jessica is back, but she deals with so much of her own loss. We have both been thru so much since she left, and it has changed us both so much. And that changed our relationship. It's as if neither of us can have even a few carefree moments anymore. The laughing that used to come so natural, and often, to us is almost impossible. Matthew also is gone, and was before he even left. I am alone 95% of the time, and that is not good for me. I used to have to sneak away to catch a few moments alone on any given day. And a few moments was all I wanted, and now it is one empty lonely day followed by a long restless night again and again. Hobbies, I have plenty of time for them, but zero desire or inspiration. I want to fill these days back up with new memories. I just feel so heartbroken over everything and everyone, and don't know how to move forward. Alone, without a soft spot to lay my head on.
without someone to keep memories alive with, or to just remember who I am with me. Just so much loss, and it's been almost three months without a word from Jodi. Without gettin to even talk to the kids. Almost 11 months since I've seen Matthew, and talking with him on the phone is rare.
When it does happen, it is superficial talk, and I do most of the listening. I just need to find whatever will give me something tyo look forward to, because it looks even darker and quieter than the now, and the now is so empty.