kinda wanna quit

I won't quit. But I want to stop caring so damn much. About people. About being alone. About the reasons why. About him, and what he got out of getting me to believe and trust again, than fall in love with him and have hope again, just to leave. Than leave again, but this time to let me hang on so very ****ing long with no intention of coming back, knowing how much I was going thru and how hard it was. It is. Not even one attempt to visit, and barely any effort to call. Just enough to keep me guessing and hoping, to keep me from moving on while he does who knows what. Who knows who? And I sit, and wait, and cry, and try, and hope, and lie to myself, and remain faithful even while he thinks otherwise, or isn't convinced he says. And still I love and want and miss this man that I can't even say ever put me first. Before anything. Not sleep, money, vices, or a single person. I would never ask anyone to choose me over their family or anything like that, but I do think I can come before a phone call, or whatever someone needs him to help with when I was just turned down when I asked. But I didn't get that. I got thrown aside again, without even the decency to tell me to stop hoping. I am forcing myself to get through each hour, every day, over and over without pathetically calling him so he can not answer me, or texting him to maybe get a coupe word response hours later, but maybe not. Getting past every hour without doing that doesn't help me at all though. I'm still spending each moment wanting him, and missin him, cryin or looking at pictures. Or I'm daydreamin of past moments with him, seeing things I know he'd like or I want to get for him, listening to music that makes me feel him, or obsessing over who he is spending his time with or thinking about. What his day is like, who he is talkin to, what he's watching, who he is jerking off to, and being angry at his Mom, and jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with him. Even the ****ing store clerk that gets to look at his face and hear his voice while he pays. That's five minutes they got more than I have. WHAT WAS THE REASON YOU HAD TO BREAK ME? Why can't you just say your done instead of just disappearing? Why don't people seem to matter to so many? People and their spirit is all that matters, but so many others just break those that are around them, and than toss them out. Matthew, you matter. Not just to me, to so many, but you matter so ****ing much to me. To my son. I can't stop loving you, and it doesn't matter to you because I don't matter to you. So how do I stop lettin this destroy me and consuming my head and heart, stopping me from wanting any part of what the world has to offer, aside from JC. And even when I am with him, I drift off to you. I don't know what to do if I haven't been able to take even a small step forward after this much time. I hurt more instead of less. I think about you more now, and just want to forget. Everything. If you won't come home, and don't love me and want the future you said you did, I'd rather have no memory of you at all. And I can't have either of those, so I am stuck in hell. A horrible painful constant debilitating emotional hell.