8/19

Not many people and probably say at any point in their life beyond childhood at least, that they have not sworn off ever-loving again or ever whatever or whoever their current heartbreak is. And like you said to me many times there are no unique thoughts or ideas anymore after all these years and years old humans living. I didn't think that I was the unique one that was not going to ever be in love or trust someone again but I don't remember ever swearing off of any of that, just after so long I was completely dead inside really and didn't feel like it matter that that point either way anymore it just wasn't going to happen for me and I forgot that feeling that it could bring anyways even if it was just a dream. But I still remember that moment when every single part of me completely came back to life and you woke me up again and I wasn't looking for it, I was not even hoping for it in anyone at all or life anymore, but certainly not you and it was not expected either but it was instant. And every part of me woke up and then of course, very scared and I also remember that moment and where I was standing and where are my eyes fell on your face and how my heart was just exploding cuz it was beating so fast out of anxiety and fear and danger warning signs all that running through me but you put hope in me and made me believe that called love and a future and vulnerability and Trust in how anything could work when two people believed in loved and I remember how that felt and again it was not something I was expecting and not something I thought or really even wanted to try for it and you were able to put that back into my spirit and heart and and partly I had hope and I had something that I could feel good about in myself and that was the love and Hope and security of your word that I was worth it all of that give me a big huge desire to live again on the inside. Both of those two months or are so I guess I kind of want to explain it like so vivid in color and electric and every little bit is stuck in my head. Of course like every other sad tragedy and now someone's life when it comes to love there is the complete destruction of that trust and Hope and security has someone gets. I didn't get that in a single moment that is completely clear in my head still to this day. You did however, remind me why I had to 10 dead ever in the first place. That it's the e story with a different person. I have no more that Moana and only a girl for you and you well never want anyone else or leave me and you will take care of me and I am worth it and so I just one of those Q4 grounding me again with that's solid zero hope and the total knowledge that oh yeah, this is bul**** when it comes to that kind of commitment at least for me from someone. So as amazing as it was for you to wake me up on the inside and outside and give me a reason to look ahead and believe in myself as well and be willing to do almost backflips in a sentence to keep you in my life, I now wish that's a feeling I never ever got from you wish you would never woke that up and me and think that have you heard one guys that you heard it all and there is no unique idea or thought left to be had just like you told me so many times again. That is what I need to remember and thank you for reminding me about or teaching me. And I am not one of those that agree or say the whole quote it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all Quote bul**** I would so much rather not have ever felt that to lose it because that just means it was never real and I'd rather not have known what that's fake high felt like so. I wish now that I know what I know, I had never brought you home to the house that day and can honestly say I would have preferred not to of ever taken Jacoby to meet you at that car show that day either. Because you broke his heart to but I would rather not have felt any of that till then have you walked away like the typical story of my life with men I love. So you're not special in that way just the fact that you ran from it an issue or many issues, or that you just said what you thought I should here until you are done, that does not make you in any way special or unique just typical. So even though right now I can still feel this incredibly powerful strong desire for you and aching for you after all this time that you've been having you continuously show me how unremarkable your feelings are for me and I haven't even seen you for over 7 months still all I do is ache for you and you consume almost all my thoughts like an idiot. None of that love I feel is ripping me apart is real because it can't lose what you never had and you can't have something like what I thought we had if you walk away and hurt me as much as you have. There's no way that's love so yeah I hope one day to forget you I know neither of us never wanted to be anything less than the most important and constant person in the other one's lifeoh, that's what I thought you believed anyways and I sure felt it but that feeling just doesn't go away when it's real and you don't walk away from something like that especially with one excuse after the other so it was not real for you even if you thought it was and maybe that is your age or maybe you just say what you want I need to to get what you want I don't know either way you show me it wasn't real so that are my final thoughts on that. So yeah I can honestly say I would have preferred not to have met you