Yeah I’m saying it

Life’s not fair. Everyone knows that, I’m not an idiot and also know this. But does that mean it Has to be completely unfair for some in every aspect for extremely long intervals or even forever for some. I am not someone that has been on fairly tortured my entire life. I have zero thoughts That even come close to that and haven’t since I got through the teenage years I believe. But when it comes to love, 100% of me feels it’s all been unfair. And that it’s not gonna change because maybe there’s too much wrong with me, from examples I grew up with or without in healthy relationships between couples, my stubbornness and independence while feeling I must make it extremely clear that I’m not helpless and a complete idiot but at the same time I also want to be handled with care and can be needy while bawling my face up claiming I don’t need help, I’m sure a lot has to do with my picker that is broke and no matter how different the guy is, the bad stuff Seems to be something they all have in common. Possibly my fear of abandonment and desire to be recognized as essential in someone’s life and as important as I feel they are in mine and that nobody should be ever thinking saying or using the word disposable when it comes to a Nother person or themselves. This is voice to text and I’m not going to proofread so a reminder to myself if this is a complete novel of nonsense. I hate saying goodbye and thinking that anybody will ever not be in my life again that has had any type of relationship beyond greeting the cashier at the store or waving to your post man. I hate the finality in the hallway causes people to even have their memory wiped clean from someone else’s life when it’s all so significant. Our interactions and relationships and structures and everything is what makes us all who we are moments and relationships Molding as almost nonstop. But I’ve gotten so far off what I wanted to say so that I could maybe sleep because I’m so sick of hurting. What’s so unfair is how much I have poured into my relationships heart and soul, physical and emotional, and to be crying myself to sleep almost every night for at least a year and a half and pretty often before that and to be so brushed off and told them I don’t care or I don’t I want a relationship with you not to you or that I’ve been just dating around all this time that you completely cannot see how much I have tried every which way and over and over to believe in you and trust you too not a banded me like you said you wouldn’t but health and how much I took on my shoulders keeping you taken care of in the right or wrong way it was constant, and that you can’t see how much even those long novels you refuse to read when I’m trying to communicate my feelings to you and you only text, how much time I’ve been put into that in one of those. One of those is more sharing and trying to communicate with you and time spent on just you then I think I’ve gotten from you and well longer than I can remember. Just one of those novels that you won’t How many times I’ve tried to talk but yet you tell me I don’t communicate with a few sentences and then you are done and I’ve poured my heart out to you but everything I do you have responded with almost direct apposite. I haven’t heard from you so I sent a text saying I hope you had a good day and have a good night and the response is what the **** Tricia why do you want to be like that and fight with me ? I’m still floored. I spent hours making this playlist for me to listen to you I’ve sent it to you you don’t want to listen to if you don’t like the songs you don’t have time to download it, I play with our pictures and or videos and arrange them and rearrange them and print them and try to come up with things for us to do together and sleep in a room by myself because you don’t feel the beds comfortable enough so Try to sleep out in the living room with you and I am pushed away, I want you to do stuff with my family and you’re not feeling it or it’s not comfortable, I want you to try positive things that we can do but you’re too tired I will barely get a nap in before work just so I can spend time with you but you don’t see that or you accuse me of being on drugs because I will do that or the whole time I’m trying to do things for us or you you’re telling me to just go to bed you need sleep you need sleep go to bed at work just go to bed and then I go to bed and then that’s all you do is sleep because you sleep too much because you work graveyard and you won’t get another job you tell me but I’m the one paying the bills and working regularly and I try to go to the bathroom when you’re in front of a mirror whatever room get down Australian style like I used to and you tell me no you’re not feeling it not right now, I will try to get you into the bedroom with me but you’re not feeling it or you think I to sleep more and you need to be out in the living room apparently drinking and smoking so much that you don’t remember that you rejected me again or one thing after another you’re oblivious to it including what I need and then as you leave me to go to California again but this time the day after I’m in A pretty vulnerable spot with my work stuff and physically trying to recover from the accident the day before it’s about me totaling the car and it’s been five months and it still somehow my fault when I have maybe got to talk to you three times in five months when I have called you or you would answer the phone and not have a conversation with me instead of texting me you can’t talk tell me you’ll call me back later bye message but you don’t, talking to your mom the whole time, we’re just using me as somebody to talk to you while you walk down the street and bad and then other than that nothing but that’s what’s so unfair is I can just say all night long nonstop **** I’ve done in tears and sacrifices I’ve made to make the relationship work because couples have to do that or how many times I’ve told you what I wanted and needed and it was you and I wanted you here but you can say right after that that I don’t tell you or show you or care. You throw in the arms all the time and you could’ve lost your arms and so now everything is a lot to you which is bull****. Why you won’t let anything go but at the same time can’t see how much I let go and forgive and trust again is incredible to me. You telling me you want to marry me and you love me and at the same time you were chatting up some girl making a date with her on line and then you completely have me disappear from your social media and Pretty much every aspect of your life including incorporating me into your family conversations which isn’t that big a deal to me because I’m not Pretty much every aspect of your life including incorporating me into your family conversations which isn’t that big a deal to me because I’m not all big on social media I don’t even know the things that exist out there I just know you’re on your phone nonstop which means I’m nonstop not Anywhere involved in your life during that time and again it’s almost nonstop. Who won’t give their girlfriend/fiancé/the person you loved more than anything in the world for a second, who doesn’t share other email with that person ever even when asked.? Even though I’ve had an ongoing relationship of some form between me and your mom since Jacobey was born, I can’t get her address from you even though I had it at one time I just can’t find it, because their boyfriend or fiancé or whatever I don’t even know what you call the house and yours relationship and what we call each other I don’t probably nothing because I don’t exist but who doesn’t give that address to their girlfriend especially when she’s already had it because all of a sudden it’s suspicious and I’m gonna send somebody to live with them I don’t even understand how your mind works all I know is that I miss that guy that looked me in the eyes and promised he wasn’t going anywhere that wanted to make me and my son a priority and spend the rest of his life taking care of us and being a family together I want to see him again and I don’t even know if he was real though because no matter how much I pour into you, you won’t give back or see you and your aloof. Matter how much I protect myself and pull away even while telling you I help to you, you’re a loser. And now after asking you to get a place together again and you wouldn’t work with me for that and then letting you come after I worked my ass off and got a place and said I wouldn’t let you do that again but did you ran away and blew me off again after being uncomfortable in every situation just to be with you but not able to get you to go out of your way for an hour to be with me or lay on something that’s not comfortable or lose a little sleep, and then after you leave and then just show up because you had to get your stuff not because you wanted to be with me because you had to get your stuff from the RV and again I was there and every part of my daily life changed when you got here and I still was trying and then you left again and why am I even upset and again after all that I had to say I was asked all of its environments that you’ve been gone with no upper deck about but want to know where I’m going what I’m doing and then making ridiculous And insulting ones at that toward me when you do talk to me, I told you over and over we need to do something to work on this I want this and you blow me off because you’re sleeping or you’re busy you’re here watching a movie are you going to Disneyland or blah blah blah, after a year and a half of being blown off in five months of not seeing you and telling you it’s not what I want, I say I can’t do it anymore and you ignore it for the last two months when I’ve said it more and more with no response. I don’t want to be with anyone else I don’t want to see you buddy else but I can’t let stuff like this because I don’t have forever like you seem to think you had it it’s not fair and I say I’m considering because I’ve told you I can’t do this anymore, I’m considering going out on Friday with someone on a blind date because I was asked and I thought I should tell you and all of a sudden you say do what you ****ing want you probably already have do what you need to do And again it’s me that has somehow not begged and cried and loved and tried and made sacrifices in and Bologne 95% of the time working my ass off when I am working the rest of the time while you’re doing God knows what but the things I do know are with your family and I’m glad for that but you’re not alone and you’re not supporting your house and you’re not brokenhearted and you’re not trying to fix things and make it work, and you’re not crying in your pillow every night and you’re not constantly trying to figure out how to get the person you love back into your life and you’re not talking about me all the time and you know who I’m hungry at the same time doing it alone and on top of that having that person you love tell you how much I don’t think you do anything more to help. And why am I still crying I don’t get it it is you that quit and left and it is you the truth to your one word can you said from the beginning you will not go out of your way for any ****ing person especially some girl and what I’m still here trying to hold onto this memory that was the second compared to how long it hasn’t been. The moment you started telling your friends Family is horrible made up things about me and I’m just some drugged out psycho that’s probably out sleeping around and gambles all night long then your mom who wants you home regardless of what’s best for you and, I get that as a mom I want my son to never leave. One minute she’s gushing over Allison so happy and wants me to except her daughter-in-law request on Facebook and the next minute she’s telling you I’m sending you 10 or $20 of your birthday or do you need something to eat because you would lie and say you needed it for food which was bull****, while I’m driving you around at work and had a roof over our heads and providing for five ****ing people you guys are still playing the game of all I’m starving mom send me money so he’s like quit buying the bobcat and She’s telling youas a short-lived fantasy and it’s not ****ing fair because I’m ****ing love you She’s telling you put it in with you because I don’t trust her and yeah that’s how you passed out with your phone open on my right arm just didn’t even have to touch it just looked over this is the **** I need to ****ing keep reminding myself because it’s reality and all my other **** in my head and heart was a short-lived and it’s not ****ing fair because I’m ****ing love you then who we will and how much it would dare your soul to the moon and how important treating people fairly and morally was to you and how much you ****ing love those animals in how much you saw the injustice in what I was going through and the goodness and who I really was and how much you dreamed and how big your ideas were and hell we could look into each other’s souls we will become one and it’s not ****ing fair is England so Jayne didn’t know how to hold everybody in life and low but for sure after this last several years. At Holt I don’t see any of them Hope in happy end good that I see my whole life end it was pretty damaged by the time I met you and I’m over the edge now and I just want this all to be over this whole rat race bull**** human ****ing short lifespan and for no reason anything at this point I just want it all done though if I can’t find the beauty in that vulnerability and that faith in love with him and I am not planning on trying either because Matt and Matthew just ****ing broke me Lupalupa i’m so dead inside and his son doesn’t even see who I am and who I was for 40 ****ing years and knowing that I push him away now because I don’t want him around this person I love being formed by his dad in the last three years because I don’t like it and it’s not ****ing fair to be this dead and yet still not be able to sleep until I’ve crawled by self