6/14/18

The great love story was always in my head. You laid the groundwork, said the right words, I let myself believe. And than poof! It was gone faster than it lasted. I used to tell you I never saw a honeymoon period be so short. I just kept clinging on cuz I wanted to believe. Maybe I just thought I fell for you, but what I was really falling for was a fantasy. That I just chose to give in to the fantasy that you really believed the things you said to me and that I was going to come out ok from the devastation of my entire foundation I had based my future on, becoming obsolete. Because I had found love where I least expected it. We had so much fire and passion and I thought real love. But the person I thought saw the real me, and told me it was all going to be ok and he wanted to be there for Jc and me, was not real. It was stupid, just stupid of me. My head in the sand. I was living in a fantasy world. Again. My Mom has said it, Matt has said it, even you have said it. I am blind to the reality of things. Im just stuck in my own fairy tale where everyone is happy and there for the ones they love forever. I thought I was going to get to see you reach your goals, becoming the person I knew you were but to the degree you finally believed it and the world knew it. Bigger than life with a big heart and fierce loyalty and desire to help the underdog. I was going to love you to a safe spot so you could hurt and hate less, let your guard down, and feel confidant that you could show a little of your soft side to others without worrying it would lead to getting hurt all time. But now you tell me you just want to drink yourself away, and I think you mean it. And let me watch it happen, or not be with you. I chose not to see the truth again, and everything was all in this stupid head of mine. If it weren't for Jc, I think I would have kept living in that fantasy world with you. Just to be with you. No responsibility, drinking and lounging, being together in our own blurry world. Of course with a clear head, I know that would have been a life I would've regretted. Fun and oblivious I know, but the end would've been ugly. No way around that. And as I looked at my life and legacy from the afterlife, the regret for the things in life that make it worth living, would've been astronomical. Leaving only a legacy of one long vodka soaked **** session, no family memories, no triumphs over diversity to be proud of, nothing that made anyone's life better, not a single person that looked up to me. Yes, it would have been an easier less painful way to go, till the end of course. But meaningless. I miss feeling loved by you every day. Your smile and laugh. I miss feeling like I was what turned your head and heart. I miss dreaming about our future and feeling like you were on my side and would fight for and with me. And I miss those moments when I felt so close to you, like we were one. How you would look into my eyes when making love to me, it was unreal. It seemed like nothing could touch us in those moments. Like we were meant to be. All was right in those moments. It must've been just the combination of alcohol, me wanting it so bad, and chemistry. It was all smoke and mirrors fueled by my own delusional mind that love like that was a real possibility for me. That anyone would ever really want and love me like that, or I could maintain someones love for me. I know better. And maybe you thought you could and did love me at one point, maybe you played me, maybe alcohol just had your eyes seeing someone you thought was beautiful, and tricked you into feeling love for me. And the reason it all started to change, and you looked at me with anger and began calling me names and not wanting to do things with me is because you saw me with clearer eyes and head one day, and realized your mistake and the situation you were now in. And that's why you started hitting the bottle really hard and smoking constantly, leading to you no longer working, dreaming and talking to me, and to become even angrier and more reclusive. That sounds more like the reality of why I had a love like that. I know, I'm being dramatic, but it makes more sense than the fantasy of us. I just don't know how to stop needing and wanting it to real. I can't stop loving you and wanting you to be ok. I can't stop screaming at the world not to take you away or ever let another lay in your arms. At the same time, I don't want to be treated like this. I've never been treated like this and talked to like this day after day over and over. Yes I've been in some bad ones, and been beaten and held against my will, and verbally and mentally abused, stalked, raped, all of the bs in bad relationships. But even they showed love and kindness regularly. There were ups and downs and periods when the abuse or bad times were really bad, but I can't help but think about the days and weeks that go by without feeling one day of love from you. Day after day with texts. A week or more goes by an no phone call and you don't answer mine. Month goes by and I haven't seen you or kissed you. Than another month. I only know there is one excuse after another why you won't come see me. I only know you call your mom at least once a day, sometimes more, but not me. I only know you go to Lori because she is sad, but not me. I only know you help your Uncle, but not me. I ask, you reject. There's no way around the truth. I am a temporary addition to someone's life, and not someone that anyone is going to fight for, love and want to be with, or feels is worth treating better. I don't want to believe that, but I also don't ever want to give anyone else a chance to prove it to me. I hope this blog of my feelings will keep me from even possibly loving and trusting someone again after you.