God Hug/God Kiss

A God hug. That's what my son got today from God.

A God kiss on the forehead. That's what I got today from God.

Both... one in the same, but it meant so much to me.... and I hope it meant just as much to my son too.

So much transpired from last Thursday till today, that I hesitate to tell you everything..... but, if I am to be transparent about my life (and those in it)... I have to be truthful; even about the nitty gritty stuff that I would rather take to the grave. The only way I am able to be totally transparent about it, is due to the fact that my real name is not attached to this site.

*big sigh* Ok, here goes. ....

One of a single mom's worst nightmare is to see her child fail. ... Not a little fail. A big fail. ... Jail is one type of failure, drugs is another, winding up in the wrong crowd or even marrying the wrong person.... all, but not limited to, what the world sees as 'failures.' ..... Now, I am going to stop here, b/c I want to address something very important. ..... In the Christian world, we speak what's called 'Christianese.' ... Christian lingo that non-believers don't typically use. ... When you first get around Christians, you will notice we use certain phrases, certain words, certain analogies. Sometimes, we even speak in parables, b/c after all... Jesus spoke in parables... and when you're in the Christian World long enough, you not only begin to adapt the 'language,' but thinking as well.

One way to understand 'Christianese,' is to submerge yourself among Christians, and you will begin to understand the definitions. Or, you can see if anyone published a Christianese Dictionary... =)

Anyway.... So my son lied to me (again) for the umpteenth time about his school work. No, he didn't cheat... b/c a kid who makes a 1510 (out of 1600) on a SAT test can't possibly cheat on a huge test like that. ... or a kid who makes a 35 (out of 36) on an ACT test can't possibly 'wing it' to near perfection and still have extra time left over when finished, while others are breaking a sweat just trying to crank out those last few answers... trying to beat the clock. Matter of fact, if you think about it.... those who can 'wing it,' are pretty dag-on smart. At least, most of the time. Book worms make stupid mistakes too; and sometimes bigger mistakes than street-smart kids, b/c they have this skewed belief that their smarts will automatically take them places. ... Yes, and no. ... Just depends on if the God-given gift is USED..... OR WASTED.

To the point: his on-site college courses were completed no problem (via high school program -- very popular here in North Carolina).... it was his first online course he stopped doing halfway through the LAST semester of his SENIOR YEAR of high school (Class of 2018 -- THIS YEAR). .... Dumb, dumb, dumb. .... DUMB. Yeah, it was on the one (Honors Chemistry) that was going to count as his last science in order to graduate. ..... You know where this is going...

So you can imagine the horror and disbelief, and anger... I initially felt, when the high school counselor filled me in what was (last Thursday) a terrible, terrible reality: my son, my ONLY son, wasn't going to be able to walk on the day I had been preparing for since he was 3 yrs old. .....

Shock. Anger. ... "AGAIN!?? ..... LIED TO ME... AGAIN?!?! NOW!!?!?!?" ... The notion of telling all 20 family members of this ... unbelievable situation (AFTER we had a perfect graduation party, and AFTER I sent out picture-perfect invites)... the thought of all that brought immediate doom and gloom into my life. I felt like my empire, my son... his victories, my victories, his struggles, my struggles.... all of it..... our empire, came crashing down.... wayyy, waaay, down.... almost as if our lives were being imploded by a horrible inner force, that somehow snuck it's way into our lives through some stupid back door. Our empire, the moment I had been waiting and preparing (and dreaming of) for at least 15 years.... was crumbling with dust and smoke.... and it seemed as if, nothing was going to stop this from going down with a loud, rippling, crash.

911. It's time to ask friends (prayer 'warriors') to pray. I send out my SOS signal to my bible study girls, and... "Boaz."

I, then, crouched on my bathroom floor, in the dark .... in my scrubs, and I began to cry the deepest, most agonizing cry you would ever hear. .... For a solid 30 minutes... I heard my own, uncontrollable cry. ..... It was a death-cry. .... Felt like someone very close to me just died. .... I let out the most frustrated/agonizing scream. .... A scream similar to what you see in the movies, when a wife sees her husband lying on the ground about to die, and he's fading..... fast. ...... That was me. ...... I... was... weeping. ....."What happened? What did I do? Where did I go wrong?" .... The echo of my own cry, bounced eerily against the bathroom walls.... my empty hallway, and my livingroom (just down the hall)that was almost stacked high of boxes, ready for a move that I think is still going to happen. ...

I heard footsteps upstairs after 20 minutes of crying. They heard me. .... Crying. ....

Made it into the car, crying. Took the first turn out of my parking lot, crying. Went down the highway in 4 O'clock traffic, crying. It took every bit of myself to pay attention to the cars and not wreck on my way to the school.

You may think my reaction was a bit dramatic, but when you're a 37 yr old single mom, never married, not in a relationship, no definite hope of ever having any more children.... and you begin to believe that 18 yrs of hard work just got taken from you (b/c your son decided to LIE, AGAIN... b/c I asked him about his online course repetitively ) ... It was a mothers worst nightmare (or one of many nightmares); last Thursday.

After going to the school... it was us 4 in the counselors office. My son, sitting in the corner, facing the reality of his awful decision... facing ME, his mother... who he knows loves him and has sacrificed almost everything for him, and he was also facing 2 other people.... one of which, held the key to an event so important, that one would only hope and pray an 18 year old would remember for the rest of his life.

After my God/parent lecture to my son... the principle stepped in and made one heck of a decision. ..... And the principle was in fact a Christian. (This is a public school, rough part of town that has academic programs to reel in intelligent students to boost the schools profile) .... But the principle made a recovery course available to my son... to complete in just 2 days (with a passing 'grade' only), in order to be considered as a qualifying high school graduate. He would not be able to receive points for the course to go towards his GPA, however, he would be able to graduate.

God's amazing grace. Grace, that many of us, don't even deserve half the time. And I made sure to point that out to my son, asking my son if he felt he deserved this type of grace. I was VERY STERN about that.... and still angry at his ignorant choice that he made probably back in February/March; MONTHS ago.

... My son had been in tears, my eyes were puffy and surrounded by a thick circle of smudged black eye liner, and I had just laid into Austin the lecture of a life time.

But God showed my son a tremendous amount of grace, through his principle. ...... And he, my son, was on the road to recovery... so he could graduate.

.................

I laid into my son at least three more lectures. Two that night, and one more the next morning on the way to the school to begin his two day recovery course. I think it finally sunk in that morning.....

Well, he cranked it out alright. .... From 8:15am, to 8:15pm (with a 3 hour break for graduation practice), he COMPLETED the recovery course not in two days, but one day. On his own, and he refused help from the graduation coach. ...... Good. ..... He acknowledged his own screw-up, and he was going to make it right.... fair and square. .... GOOD.

I was so gracious to the principle, the counselor, and the graduation coach that I brought them lunch, and thanked the graduation coach endless times for staying at the school well past 5pm. ...... She said to me, "He's different, he's not like these other students who I have to chase down all year because they're skipping class..." .... So gracious, that woman. May God Bless her AND the principle ten fold.

Well, that night (Friday, June 15th), we finally get home... and it's time to check the answer from NC State. He got wait listed... surely he got in. ................................... no, he did not.

ALL THE DOORS, TO EVERY SINGLE COLLEGE HE APPLIED TO, CLOSED THEIR DOOR.

3.9310 GPA, Credits: 31. No college accepted him. ..... He aimed very, very high. But took for granted, that maybe... just maybe.. UNC-Charlotte or UNC-G, would be okay schools to apply to also. ..... No, he aimed high. REALLY HIGH.

.... *sad sigh* .... So, defeat, once again. ... He says he wasn't crushed. Disappointed, but not crushed.

Both sides of the family loved on him yesterday at the graduation, after finding out that the last college we hoped would accept him, did NOT in fact accept him. .... I think inside, he was somber. ... And well..... probably very humbled. .... After all, his other three intelligent friends got into where they wanted to go: UNC Chapel Hill, NC State, and some college in Massachusetts.

..... Graduation came and went yesterday. So perfect with all the family that came in, perfect lunch prior to the ceremony, and even his father came (missing front tooth, eye bags, big beer gut and all). There was no rif-raff between my son's dad and my brother-n-law ...... (I was hoping that my brother-n-law would keep his mouth shut). His father looked like hell run over twice.... but at least he was there. And not in jail, like he was several years ago when that's all it seemed like he did.... in jail, out of jail, in jail, out of jail. Etc, etc....

The evening ended nicely. He fell asleep, and today he just rested -- not scheduled to work today. I gave him a big hug and kiss before leaving for work, and I said, "It's gonna be okay. I love you, buddy.."

.... I got to work, and my co-worker said, "Hey! I have a surprise for you!!" I said, "Really? What??" ....

She showed me a picture of my son, shaking hands with the Christian principle, holding his diploma, and my son had big smile on his face..... and this picture made it into one of the newspapers here...

I exclaimed, "WHAT!?!?" .... And immediately, my heart was filled with joy.

God..... God knew how much that was going to mean to me. And God knew how much that was going to mean to Austin as well. ...

When I got home, upon closing the main door I said, "So guess who made it in the newspaper?" My son said, "________" (the Valedictorian). I said, "Yeah!..... And YOU!" =) =) .... He said, "What!?" .... lol... so I showed him the photograph of him and the principle, and I saw that big smile on his face again. The smile I imagined when I thought he was going to get accepted into NC State...... but instead, I got the smile this way. ....

But maybe my son will still get into NC State. After all, God didn't say when. ..... *shrug* ... So who knows? We will keep pressing on, because that's what we do. We keep fighting, we keep pressing in, and I.... will keep looking to God ... not only for guidance, but also for His faithfulness, His grace, His mercy, and love. ... a love that I certainly felt today...my son's God Hug, and my God kiss-on-the-forehead, in just a mere photograph... that embodies who God His.... in ALL of His riches and mercy.

To God, be the glory..... He is my King. And He is our loving Father. Thank you, Jesus.