2.22.2018 Blog

I think I'm dead. That would explain my life. I can't leave these walls. I can look out and see the pond in the neighbor's yard. Every once in a while a car will pass slowly down the dirt toad I “live” on. Sometimes I see the sun if it shines. Other times I sleep during the day and stay up at night. Maybe I don't sleep though. Maybe my waking moments are when I forget I am a ghost and am trying to make sense of my (lack of a) life. Or maybe every time I wake up, “I Got You, Babe” is playing on the radio.

Maybe this is actually my purgatory. Forget for a minute that I'm a Baptist. Actually, don't forget that I'm Baptist. Just assume I got it wrong as Baptists often do. Maybe this is where I try to get into Heaven. Maybe the jury is still out on me. Not sure what I'm supposed to do since I'm so isolated out here. So maybe it's not purgatory but is actually Hell. It does get hot here in the summer. Hell, it's 76 out here today. If the sun were out and it was a little a warmer, I'd need to cut the AC on. This being Hell would better explain why I can't get a freaking ride to the store.

Seems like I would know if this were Hell though. I don't think I'd have to wonder if it were Hell. And I've always imagined Hell being a lot like Walmart on a busy day only with more cash registers open.

These were my thoughts as I tried to get to sleep last night. Well, maybe not the Walmart allusion. I just came up with that. The Rolodex was working overtime and I couldn't slow it down. So instead of reading the cards as they flew past me, I developed one weird ass theory and just went with it. There's something about living an isolated life in a house filled with other people's memories. They aren't even my memories.

Of course, that's not entirely true as I am haunted by my memories regardless of where I live at any given moment. Haunted by memories and disturbed by dreams.

“Dreams have never been the answer
And dreams have never made my bed
Dreams have never made my bed “

So I was listening to Spotify this morning. I almost always listen to playlists I have made on random. That's why I like radio stations like Steve FM in Columbia and 102.9 The Lake in Charlotte. The stations at least feel random. You never know what song is next. My favorite three song set on Steve FM was Prince's “When Doves Cry” followed by Sintra's “New York, New York” and ending with Garth's “Friends In Low Places.” Now that's random! So today Social Distortion's “Ball And Chain” popped up. I like that song, so I went to YouTube to share it on my Facebook page.

Then I noticed in the right-hand side of the page was a link to a Chris Cornell song, “Seasons.” It's by far my favorite song he's ever recorded, which is saying a lot. The dude was talented as hell. So I listened to it and the lyrics hit me hard.

“Summer nights and long warm days
Are stolen as the old moon falls
My mirror shows another face
Another place to hide it all
Another place to hide it all

And I'm lost behind
The words I'll never find
And I'm left behind
As seasons roll on by”

I had already started this entry and it's very surprising how his lyrics fit my general mood at the time. I'm almost 48 now. My face is literally changing. I get a little kick looking at my selfies. The lines around my eyes interest me as do the creases in my foreground. Growing old can be interesting. That's probably a rather literal translation of what he meant by “my mirror shows another face.”

But there's also an interesting take on that line that I often think about. Yes, we change physically as we grow older. But we also change on the inside. I'm not the same person I used to be in almost any way you might consider it. I remember I used to laugh a lot more than I do now. In cars with co-workers or friends, I was way different than I am now. I have let the past define who I am. I think there is some of this in his lyrics. Or at least that's what stood out to me today.

So I went to a website where folks can debate what song lyrics mean. The second comment was an interesting take. “It's about not being able to find the right thing to say to the person you really want to say it to, and how time slips by and there's nothing you can do about it. I think it is not only saying this, but i think it is saying how it may already be too late, and he missed the opportunity he should have took long ago, and now its gone.”

The next comment blew me away, too.

I think this song is about the drive to do what you want to do in life, and the frustration that sometimes exists when you fall short of having the path or the motivation to doing that. The lines, “Dreams have never been the answer, And dreams have never made my bed.” Indicate to me that doing, not dreaming, is what gets results. By not taking the charge of your life, you will be left behind as seasons roll on by.

Yeah, I can see that, too.

“Now I wanna fly above the storm
But you can't grow feathers in the rain
And the naked floor is cold as hell
This naked floor reminds me
Oh the naked floor reminds me...

That I'm lost, behind*
The words I'll never find*
And I'm left behind*
As the seasons roll on by* ”

This part tells me that on some level, Cornell thinks what he's looking for is unattainable. Evidently he felt it, too, last year. And so do I. I don't know how he meant the song to be taken, but it tells me that I'm going to keep being stuck here. Not in this house. I can move at some point. I'll actually have to move at some point. And maybe I'll move to a bigger city with better services like city transit.

But I'll still be stuck. I'll still be in my Purgatory. I feel no hope anymore. Nothing ever changes. Maybe the street address and that's it. Sorry if I ruined a good song for you.

"Seasons" as written by Chris Cornell
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC