Fire and Flood,the courage not to care and wayward spirits
Be dauntless in this, then, not any forced will of your own, nor any forced submission, but a certain real trust, and the courage not to care.
D.H Lawrence
Well I found another girl going through what I'm going through,same drug(risperidone)same sort of brain damage,I wish I could write to her.Like me she feels death is the only solution.I felt better Sunday but had more damage Sunday night,this has left me with a very carefree who cares what happens anymore feeling,as if I'm beckoning death,everything is burning down to the ground,so why not dance over the flames.'Going up in flames, as my spirit spreads'.Ive realised I live in a dreamy haze.The haze is also from waking up every hour all night from faint bizarre sleep and I no longer have any rememberance of what rest feels like.May try some melatonin(sleep aid) but I'm reluctant to mess with my natural melatonin levels,western medicine just adds things serotonin,melatonin etc anything without ever considering the body's natural harmony and balance at all.
I feel very free this morning,like I just don't care anymore at all,I'm tired of doing everything to stop my universe from collapsing.
I just want to sink into the sea or something, I want to be like this ancient Slave girl who just welcomed death in order to accompany her partner into the afterlife.Who had no fear and not a second thought, but had such sureness of an afterlife and such surrender to life.Or like the Celtic warriors who went into battle without the slightest fear believing so much in reincarnation and the souls return.I want to fall away into some other life, and surrender to whatever this one is.I think we try to control everything too much,especially in the west,here everything is controlled to the minute,there is nothing wild.We have such a fear of death that we are never really free,there is no surrender to the will of destiny or life.
Music is what I'm living for now,this song Ophelia by The Lumineers is just giving me all the happiness I need,I love the way he looks and how he dances in the middle of the street,and this epic cinematic music was able to help me conjure worlds yesterday and calmed me.
I thought honestly I might be happy to spend my life living in some cabin,listening to music and dancing wildly about all day.I've always been the biggest ever advocate of living by passion,feeling and instinct, I always read d.h Lawrence and Henry Miller who wrote about nothing but that.To not live by reason but by feeling was and is my most pivotal personal belief and here I am now having to live up to it,made thoughtless, forced to give up cerebration and thought.To give way to a life lived by the senses and feeling instead.I think of a Hesse quote I use to always keep :
I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.”.
When you live this close to death everyday and your unraveling ,everything becomes urgent and you only want what is absolutely vital and true.You don't waste anytime on anything unimportant,in the chaos too there is a certain madness and freedom,you are out of the patterns of the regular day.All this talk of being carefree has got me thinking of all the free spirits I know,so crooked,careless,dancing under the moonlight with their vodka,chasing the flame,having affairs,not caring a jot about anything.So vivid and flowing and full of vitality.I am pretty sure I am still one of these people.It can make life an utter mire truly but in my grand opinion is absolutely worth it,when I look back on my life it has been so full of heights,drama,memories and I think that would not be the case if I had played it safe.I feel like I am being forced to let go of everything,to be taken underwater and learn the limits of my body and the will of my soul.
D.H Lawrence
Well I found another girl going through what I'm going through,same drug(risperidone)same sort of brain damage,I wish I could write to her.Like me she feels death is the only solution.I felt better Sunday but had more damage Sunday night,this has left me with a very carefree who cares what happens anymore feeling,as if I'm beckoning death,everything is burning down to the ground,so why not dance over the flames.'Going up in flames, as my spirit spreads'.Ive realised I live in a dreamy haze.The haze is also from waking up every hour all night from faint bizarre sleep and I no longer have any rememberance of what rest feels like.May try some melatonin(sleep aid) but I'm reluctant to mess with my natural melatonin levels,western medicine just adds things serotonin,melatonin etc anything without ever considering the body's natural harmony and balance at all.
I feel very free this morning,like I just don't care anymore at all,I'm tired of doing everything to stop my universe from collapsing.
I just want to sink into the sea or something, I want to be like this ancient Slave girl who just welcomed death in order to accompany her partner into the afterlife.Who had no fear and not a second thought, but had such sureness of an afterlife and such surrender to life.Or like the Celtic warriors who went into battle without the slightest fear believing so much in reincarnation and the souls return.I want to fall away into some other life, and surrender to whatever this one is.I think we try to control everything too much,especially in the west,here everything is controlled to the minute,there is nothing wild.We have such a fear of death that we are never really free,there is no surrender to the will of destiny or life.
Music is what I'm living for now,this song Ophelia by The Lumineers is just giving me all the happiness I need,I love the way he looks and how he dances in the middle of the street,and this epic cinematic music was able to help me conjure worlds yesterday and calmed me.
I thought honestly I might be happy to spend my life living in some cabin,listening to music and dancing wildly about all day.I've always been the biggest ever advocate of living by passion,feeling and instinct, I always read d.h Lawrence and Henry Miller who wrote about nothing but that.To not live by reason but by feeling was and is my most pivotal personal belief and here I am now having to live up to it,made thoughtless, forced to give up cerebration and thought.To give way to a life lived by the senses and feeling instead.I think of a Hesse quote I use to always keep :
I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.”.
When you live this close to death everyday and your unraveling ,everything becomes urgent and you only want what is absolutely vital and true.You don't waste anytime on anything unimportant,in the chaos too there is a certain madness and freedom,you are out of the patterns of the regular day.All this talk of being carefree has got me thinking of all the free spirits I know,so crooked,careless,dancing under the moonlight with their vodka,chasing the flame,having affairs,not caring a jot about anything.So vivid and flowing and full of vitality.I am pretty sure I am still one of these people.It can make life an utter mire truly but in my grand opinion is absolutely worth it,when I look back on my life it has been so full of heights,drama,memories and I think that would not be the case if I had played it safe.I feel like I am being forced to let go of everything,to be taken underwater and learn the limits of my body and the will of my soul.
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