Music as a lifeline,tides of misfortune and suicidal days
I made a print of my favourite house by the sea,because it was the only thing capable of rousing feeling in me,my brain is just so damaged that it is hard to feel what things evoke or enjoy anything.That I was having a response and daydreams about this house meant I clung to it strongly for weeks as the last thing getting me through,this one day life.Unfortunately on Thursday afternoon I was looking at some images on tumblr and something went click in my brain and now I don't feel any response to images.I stare at my five favourite pictures on the wall that meant so much to me and feel nothing.I became determined to suicide because there is simply no joy now.How the universe could take away the one thing giving me joy stuns me.The last few shreds I had and when Im also dealing with severe illness,hospitals and xrays,etc,it just stuns me that the last few months have been almost constant misfortune.My strong suicidal feelings have subsided since yesterday by listening to music.I don't use the Internet except to write this,because my brain is obviously too fragile for anything right now so I just listen to music.
My favourite song is Kamikaze by MO I love it's chaos energy and sound,her dancing,the Eastern European high rides.Also Lost on you by Lewis Capaldi,soul stirring - these were just songs I randomly had reccomended.As I said it's hard to feel what things evoke so if anything rises in me I truly cling to it for dear life,for my life.I Have been looking for putamayo music(world music),and watched this African woman welcome in 2018 (it's gone quite viral) what a powerful voice my gosh makes me miss the vibrant comfortable energy I have with my relatives in Africa,when you come back to the white world things can be alot more staid and reserved.I have never been into music at all,so to suddenly rely on music to get me through the day is strange.I have no doubt everything is unfolding like this for a reason but my gosh I wish I never took the med in February none of this would be happening to me.
I am incredibly tired from the worst sleep in the world,waking up all night from faint sleep and can barely function at all which is making me just want to go to the hospital tell them I'm overwhelmed and collapse there.But I worry they will make everything worse.I.Bought a few books on shamanism on Tuesday I had been avoiding doing so for years,I didn't want to go any lower in the land of spirits,I didn't want to traverse the underworld,I didn't want to read about bathing in the blood of nine sacrificed pigs.It can be all too dark and terrifying they don't tell you that part of shamanism.It can be a very beautiful ancient tradition,I love the mysteries, but it is also a very dark art,communing with spirits benign and malignant.Im not suprised early observers called it possession by the devil.I plan to read on blind female shamans in Japan when I can read and do things again.I will also read the books I've got.
Mostly life at the moment is full of xrays,tired eyes,hospitals and hellish days and nights.I can't feel much either since Thursday.Normally there's a strong feeling of the otherworld that lifts me out of the mundane world and my worries but maybe it's the damage but I can't feel anything,I just feel overwhelmed.Things keeping me alive by a thread are music,books(that I still can't read),him,my blog/journals.I don't think that's enough to keep going for,and if the response to images and things doesn't return I don't see point in going on.All the time I can't remember my passions or think on them,so the pictures were all I had to remind and delight me.I don't see me surviving with that gone,but immediate thoughts of suicide have subsided,it's too scary to think about,how often it doesn't work and life is only made worse.I never thought in 2016 that I would welcome 2018 with nothing but misfortune and suicide.But my gosh,but they say with shamanic illness it's suppose to bring you toward and till death,or is this my karmic debts which I've dreamt of for years,spirits that plague me too.I don't know but I'm buried at the moment.
My favourite song is Kamikaze by MO I love it's chaos energy and sound,her dancing,the Eastern European high rides.Also Lost on you by Lewis Capaldi,soul stirring - these were just songs I randomly had reccomended.As I said it's hard to feel what things evoke so if anything rises in me I truly cling to it for dear life,for my life.I Have been looking for putamayo music(world music),and watched this African woman welcome in 2018 (it's gone quite viral) what a powerful voice my gosh makes me miss the vibrant comfortable energy I have with my relatives in Africa,when you come back to the white world things can be alot more staid and reserved.I have never been into music at all,so to suddenly rely on music to get me through the day is strange.I have no doubt everything is unfolding like this for a reason but my gosh I wish I never took the med in February none of this would be happening to me.
I am incredibly tired from the worst sleep in the world,waking up all night from faint sleep and can barely function at all which is making me just want to go to the hospital tell them I'm overwhelmed and collapse there.But I worry they will make everything worse.I.Bought a few books on shamanism on Tuesday I had been avoiding doing so for years,I didn't want to go any lower in the land of spirits,I didn't want to traverse the underworld,I didn't want to read about bathing in the blood of nine sacrificed pigs.It can be all too dark and terrifying they don't tell you that part of shamanism.It can be a very beautiful ancient tradition,I love the mysteries, but it is also a very dark art,communing with spirits benign and malignant.Im not suprised early observers called it possession by the devil.I plan to read on blind female shamans in Japan when I can read and do things again.I will also read the books I've got.
Mostly life at the moment is full of xrays,tired eyes,hospitals and hellish days and nights.I can't feel much either since Thursday.Normally there's a strong feeling of the otherworld that lifts me out of the mundane world and my worries but maybe it's the damage but I can't feel anything,I just feel overwhelmed.Things keeping me alive by a thread are music,books(that I still can't read),him,my blog/journals.I don't think that's enough to keep going for,and if the response to images and things doesn't return I don't see point in going on.All the time I can't remember my passions or think on them,so the pictures were all I had to remind and delight me.I don't see me surviving with that gone,but immediate thoughts of suicide have subsided,it's too scary to think about,how often it doesn't work and life is only made worse.I never thought in 2016 that I would welcome 2018 with nothing but misfortune and suicide.But my gosh,but they say with shamanic illness it's suppose to bring you toward and till death,or is this my karmic debts which I've dreamt of for years,spirits that plague me too.I don't know but I'm buried at the moment.
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