Gloomy Sunday,presents to myself,old happinesses

Well Xmas came and went,it was harrowing for me,my sleep took a dive,I was very worried over it,I could barely eat due to the ongoing illness and was having all sorts of problems.Some sort of darkness too just shrouded me all Xmas eve till Xmas day, and the gloomy weather exaggerated the fact.It was probably the worst Xmas of my life.But I knew with my illness at disaster point that it was going to be.Tommorrow I go to the hospital.I wasn't pleased with any of my presents,kind sweet gestures - I did get a nice little journal,but my family really don't know me at all,so I bought this dress and this book online which is what I was hoping for for Xmas,isn't it the most beautiful cover.They are little presents to myself.I thought of myself walking about hospital in the dress and reading the book to while away the time.I find myself very relieved that Christmas is over,I didn't realise the weight of it.

December has just been a nightmare for me,especially the last week,I don't feel the mysteries,love,red,heights,nestiness or anything that usually keeps me going,it all sort of dissappeared on Xmas eve and all I feel is a miserly hard time that I must survive.I get tired of things coming and going.Im eating a few pieces of fruit a day, and am craving cake,pasta,food,food though my body knows it's in danger so mostly shuts down the appetite for food.Just today I want cupcakes and tea.Honestly I'm very weary of my life right now,tired of fighting spirits,tired of not being able to eat much of anything for a year now,tired of hospitals,tired of horrid sleep every night,tired of the brain damage and regretting everything I do because it causes some disaster or another,just tired and as always I welcome death.I can't even fathom the peace of death at this point.

My mother tells me to not look back,she's very Christian and tells me all sorts of godly things,but I'm not looking back, my life just sort of follows a curse.But I must hope I know that, I'd rather give way,retire from life altogether forever. I must admit I still feel a little light in the atmosphere but I don't remember happiness today.But I have certainly known a lot of happiness in my life,this time last year I was happy,I was off meds,I was not ill,I was in love,I was eating cinnamon scrolls and reading about wassailing.September last year too was wonderful,lots of spiritual heights,lots of love,lots of dancing under trees.Its hard to remember today.Normally despite everything I feel connected to the universe,I feel above life's concerns,I feel otherworldly,I feel happy and full of dreaming still, but for some reason I feel cloaked in the dim dark these days.

I might read aboriginal things today,Australia's indigenous people and their dreaming and stories and what this season means to them and this land.I read a beautiful story The spirit bride,an Algonquin legend.I must gather what I can,will there be singing in the dark times?
I held onto to thoughts of him last night and felt so much better,love certainly carries a lot of light.I feel like brown butter gnocchi with mushrooms and eggplant oh what I'd give for food,and to be well,and more books,and some Connemara cottage.I feel disconnected from the otherworld and the sacred and gosh if this is how people feel everyday I pity them.Ive never felt more empathy for depression than I feel at the moment,it's just a visiting darkness that closes everything and I am glad for the strands of light I have.