Sad entries,speak life not death,the halls of hell

Well I got very into the festive season but the week took a real downturn more brain damage on Sunday where I now just feel so fogged in the head and things I loved just unable to access them,unable to feel or think them,remember them,things that usually still bouy me up.Im left sort of wandering around grasping for anything to raise my spirits.My illness too has gone very bad over a month without going at all,at this rate I will spend Xmas in hospital, it has never been this bad.I wanted a nice Xmas so badly I can't even tell you.I want to speak life though not death as much as I desperately wanted to run into the ocean yesterday and never come back.Its feeling the last few things I was passionate about and could still feel become inaccessible in my brain with new damage that I just find unbearable and so cruel.My sleep improved then went awful, to say I am wandering the halls of hell is an understatement. I have grocery shopping still to do but am just beyond it all.I am grateful I had that week of listening to Christmas music and buying presents and feeling okay.

I am tired of being a suddenly stupid person who watches YouTube videos and looks at clothes because I can no longer remember my hundred and one passions nor think on them.I don't think anyone should have to live like this unable to process anything,I just get a blocked confusion when I attempt to think on anything.Its so hard to explain.I feel profoundly cursed, but I know it's just the meds that did ALL this to me.Im still going to make ratatouille for Xmas,I think,I've still got lots of love and support around and presents.Im bewildered but breathing.I don't feel all that Xmas cheer or reminiscing of my last entries I think that is the latest damage and worry.I just woke up that Sunday blank in the head and still feel out of it.I have a beautiful bear with its baby that sings carols which I love so much,I hope I make it through this time but another part of me just wants to leave my life behind.