Making it through the day,staying positive,being gentle with yourself

Truly the worst week of my life,last night I just struggled and struggled for even the faintest sleep,things went wrong.I managed to get through the day yesterday telling myself it's okay if I want to keep going on with life,that I'll find a way through,that I'll paint,I'll be okay,I dressed, I cooked,I fainted three times as I was cooking and had to sit down,I think just the true tiredness.But I did feel much better doing something and managed to put myself in a very calm optimistic space by the end of the day, but then everything just took a dive by evening.And its not an atmospheric change going on as I thought the other day,it's further brain damage and I can't say I'm suprised with the faint awful sleep I'm getting,the brain doesn't heal or restore - its just the most awful time of my life.I realised when it was not only looking at images of redmayne that evoked nothing,but pictures of my old house,pictures of everything evoke nothing and I just struggle to remember anything.I thought about suicide throughout the day,I read of others suffering that they lost all will to live,I felt it the whole day,that I'd lost all will but pushed myself out of it.In the west if things go wrong,people lie in bed for weeks in poor countries you can't,you are not indulged you must get up and get on with life,no matter how many skies have fallen.

I want to give up very much,I don't want to go on I have a hundred problems,but I have no choice,I don't have a therapist to sit around saying how bad my life is.I think life is a journey I hope to never partake in again - it's too hard.But maybe if I could remember it's beauties I wouldn't feel that way.My god I was in love with life before this happened,but now because of the damage I just can't feel anything.My plan to keep going is to stay bright,to paint self portraits or intuitive things if I can which I truly hope I can muster,to think of him as much as I can,to continue to read poetry,to call on whatever support I can find(very important).But truly the future looks so harrowing I don't want to live it at all.
I was improving a little last week,and even yesterday afternoon I began to feel better,I don't think I'm suicidal at this moment though, I'm going to try to have my morning tea and devise a way to cope that doesn't ask too much of me and to be gentle with myself.