Terrible times,carrington and her mysterious paintings,asylums
Really strange dreary day,I think I have had more damage or something or its climate change(I call changes in atmosphere and mood,climate change)but everything feels unfamiliar,doom filled,I can barely recall him.Things just feel so awful,my gosh what a sad time,not even the thought of suicide settles me into some sort of romantic tragedy.Gosh today makes yesterday seem like a very swell time when it was a sad day,I can truly say this is the worst time of my life.I think it's further memory loss as I can't seem to remember what I love,or old memories that bring me joy,I can't remember red,I keep having horrible dreams oh it's such a dreary awful time.I woke up bewildered,I just don't feel like myself today.
All my memories that keep me vast and reflective,oh I will find a way out of this time, I hope it's just a change in atmosphere,all the spiritual things I usually think of seem estranged.I think it's just the very bad sleep making things worse.Ive decided not to paint I'm in too strange a state,I can't even remember red who I was going to do some portraits of.I think his presence is very real because I don't feel it today and it's bewildering.Im listening to this song and it brings back such memories of being in hospital for months,music plays constantly there,drinking tea and wandering about the wards,you leave the world there truly and my gosh it's such a spiritual place,everyone there has been to other realms or haunted by spirits.Just the atmosphere is something.I sometimes wish they still had long term asylums so you could feel safe from the world when you are a person who lives in half dream and dire states.Maybe I will still paint .....abstract intuitive paintings,spiritual notions.I wish I was in the hospital now painting and not feeling on the brink of suicide and so bewildered.I wish I was at the hospital with my paints,canvas,a radio and tea,talking to the interesting souls there,but I loathe psychiatry and what it does so I don't think I'll go there,no matter how much the refuge.Leonora carrington ,the surrealist was in an asylum and painted while she was there,they filled her with horrible convulsive drugs which are banned now,she is still one of my favourite artists for her esoteric and mysterious paintings.Oh it would be swell if there were asylums with no medications just healing, where you could go.
The good thing about times like this is I become even more inward and more spiritual,I feel more dedicated to it,life gets deeper and deeper and you become wiser and wiser.They say if you have a shamanic calling life will wound you till you are forced to look at death,spirit and the path you are on in a much more reflective way.Oh I wish I could paint my spiritual world like Carrington did,once upon a time I could,unhindered,just to paint the mysteries and symbols I know,and the mythology of my life but my memory is just so down and gone and it's hard to recall.Oh so much needs to be opened out of me and find expression,I've carried this mythology of my life with me for years full of old lives,curses,witches,stories,legends,symbols but I can't seem to reach it now.Most people don't know their symbols but I know mine,the diamond,the strawberry,the Paisley...symbolism is the true language of humanity.I tackle this time when maybe I should just let it pass over me and not try to get a hold of it,maybe I need to go under for awhile and just lie buried.Im not melancholy at all, I'm just suffering from too much and bewildered and need confidantes,people to turn too.Well I must have my tea,read about other people going through this.
All my memories that keep me vast and reflective,oh I will find a way out of this time, I hope it's just a change in atmosphere,all the spiritual things I usually think of seem estranged.I think it's just the very bad sleep making things worse.Ive decided not to paint I'm in too strange a state,I can't even remember red who I was going to do some portraits of.I think his presence is very real because I don't feel it today and it's bewildering.Im listening to this song and it brings back such memories of being in hospital for months,music plays constantly there,drinking tea and wandering about the wards,you leave the world there truly and my gosh it's such a spiritual place,everyone there has been to other realms or haunted by spirits.Just the atmosphere is something.I sometimes wish they still had long term asylums so you could feel safe from the world when you are a person who lives in half dream and dire states.Maybe I will still paint .....abstract intuitive paintings,spiritual notions.I wish I was in the hospital now painting and not feeling on the brink of suicide and so bewildered.I wish I was at the hospital with my paints,canvas,a radio and tea,talking to the interesting souls there,but I loathe psychiatry and what it does so I don't think I'll go there,no matter how much the refuge.Leonora carrington ,the surrealist was in an asylum and painted while she was there,they filled her with horrible convulsive drugs which are banned now,she is still one of my favourite artists for her esoteric and mysterious paintings.Oh it would be swell if there were asylums with no medications just healing, where you could go.
The good thing about times like this is I become even more inward and more spiritual,I feel more dedicated to it,life gets deeper and deeper and you become wiser and wiser.They say if you have a shamanic calling life will wound you till you are forced to look at death,spirit and the path you are on in a much more reflective way.Oh I wish I could paint my spiritual world like Carrington did,once upon a time I could,unhindered,just to paint the mysteries and symbols I know,and the mythology of my life but my memory is just so down and gone and it's hard to recall.Oh so much needs to be opened out of me and find expression,I've carried this mythology of my life with me for years full of old lives,curses,witches,stories,legends,symbols but I can't seem to reach it now.Most people don't know their symbols but I know mine,the diamond,the strawberry,the Paisley...symbolism is the true language of humanity.I tackle this time when maybe I should just let it pass over me and not try to get a hold of it,maybe I need to go under for awhile and just lie buried.Im not melancholy at all, I'm just suffering from too much and bewildered and need confidantes,people to turn too.Well I must have my tea,read about other people going through this.
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