Viennese glories,painting again,and longed for slumber
Well I'm tired as always,longing for slumber oh imagine deep restoring sleep,what a thrill, I can't remember.I have been busy looking at Viennese cafes,the grand ones and the bohemian ones,imagining sitting there all glorious.Gosh how I love Vienna,just the whole romance and opulence it emits and rings out,everything seems bathed in gold when I think of Vienna.I thought of being there with him,oh that would be sweet,maybe going to the schonbrunn showing him the gardens.The sky flashes,the great sea yearns,we ourselves flash and yearn! A bit of Berryman poetry while I'm yearning.I can't comprehend the way in which I love him,if it's enough,but I love him everyday,a little less today.I wrote a poem on him, a sort of dance for him,it would have been better if my soul was not suppressed and my brain was not broken.Truly I wave down my limits.
I looked on people's honeymoon plans yesterday and they all go to the tropics,Maldives etc I really can't stand tropical anything arggh.I much prefer old Europe,cafes,museums,bookshops.Id like to spend a week in Oxford,three days in London,A week in the Cotswolds and two days in Wales,followed by a week in Vienna.But really I'm a homebody who would rather have pleasant phantasms about those places.
This morning I'm less enthused about everything,I'm just so tired and getting the will to do things without restorative sleep is hard.I might study the history of poetry today, or poetical traditions in tribes.I tend to romanticise tribes, I think it many ways it would be ideal,no stress,no mortgage but I'm sure it can be very harsh too.My future feels bleak atm and it worries me.I miss feeling a brightness before me,in January I had plans of running a Celtic course,July last year when I had few worries I had plans of being a dream analyst,I had dear little plans that have all been made impossible.I was advised to paint which I think I'll try and do for sure,and I'll likely write some articles on soulmates.There has to be a dash of hope somewhere! God knows Frida Kahlo was desecrated as a person and painted everyday.But often I find painting a chore.This is such a sad time in my life,every morning I wake to battle it out rather than sing with the sweet birds in the morning like I was in March.If I could just get some real sleep I'd probably feel at least a little cheerful,I could truly function.I get this faint sleep that feels like my eyes were not even closed,its the meds that caused it like every inch of my suffering they caused,gosh they are heinous.Often western medicine has no respect for our natural cycles,for the wisdom of Mother Nature,for our spirits, or our real healing.
I read more on shamanism yesterday too,a Canadian woman advised me to follow the wisdom of my visions.I really began to miss the things I see on my journeys into the spirit world.The shamaness crosses the veil into that world to bring back information to help and heal in real life,and in every way the things I see and that are revealed on celts and other things are so important to know,a book I read called it hallucinatory knowledge.But I prefer the Irish term Fios : Otherworld Knowledge.I longed yesterday to be able to do it at will,to go into a journey state and receive all that otherworld knowledge rather than being thrown bewildered into it.To speak with ancestral spirits,to envision the celts,to walk the white paths,to have sacred dreams.I had all these gifts to see spirit and to have visions that were not expanded and explored but suppressed as they never were in times long past.Makes me weep.Some days I wish I followed that path from day one and became a shamaness/healer when I started having visions and when I had dreams calling me to it,everyday going into spirit states.Other days I want a normal life.
Well today calls for setting up my paints,poetical traditions and peppermint tea.
I looked on people's honeymoon plans yesterday and they all go to the tropics,Maldives etc I really can't stand tropical anything arggh.I much prefer old Europe,cafes,museums,bookshops.Id like to spend a week in Oxford,three days in London,A week in the Cotswolds and two days in Wales,followed by a week in Vienna.But really I'm a homebody who would rather have pleasant phantasms about those places.
This morning I'm less enthused about everything,I'm just so tired and getting the will to do things without restorative sleep is hard.I might study the history of poetry today, or poetical traditions in tribes.I tend to romanticise tribes, I think it many ways it would be ideal,no stress,no mortgage but I'm sure it can be very harsh too.My future feels bleak atm and it worries me.I miss feeling a brightness before me,in January I had plans of running a Celtic course,July last year when I had few worries I had plans of being a dream analyst,I had dear little plans that have all been made impossible.I was advised to paint which I think I'll try and do for sure,and I'll likely write some articles on soulmates.There has to be a dash of hope somewhere! God knows Frida Kahlo was desecrated as a person and painted everyday.But often I find painting a chore.This is such a sad time in my life,every morning I wake to battle it out rather than sing with the sweet birds in the morning like I was in March.If I could just get some real sleep I'd probably feel at least a little cheerful,I could truly function.I get this faint sleep that feels like my eyes were not even closed,its the meds that caused it like every inch of my suffering they caused,gosh they are heinous.Often western medicine has no respect for our natural cycles,for the wisdom of Mother Nature,for our spirits, or our real healing.
I read more on shamanism yesterday too,a Canadian woman advised me to follow the wisdom of my visions.I really began to miss the things I see on my journeys into the spirit world.The shamaness crosses the veil into that world to bring back information to help and heal in real life,and in every way the things I see and that are revealed on celts and other things are so important to know,a book I read called it hallucinatory knowledge.But I prefer the Irish term Fios : Otherworld Knowledge.I longed yesterday to be able to do it at will,to go into a journey state and receive all that otherworld knowledge rather than being thrown bewildered into it.To speak with ancestral spirits,to envision the celts,to walk the white paths,to have sacred dreams.I had all these gifts to see spirit and to have visions that were not expanded and explored but suppressed as they never were in times long past.Makes me weep.Some days I wish I followed that path from day one and became a shamaness/healer when I started having visions and when I had dreams calling me to it,everyday going into spirit states.Other days I want a normal life.
Well today calls for setting up my paints,poetical traditions and peppermint tea.
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