Eiru,long lost feelings,sacred dreams

I've been dreaming of red (my red headed soulmate) at long last,last nights dream was particularly powerful,though I like to keep it secret and sacred.I wanted to stay up and research it but went to sleep.This morning I felt very dead,very numb and without feeling,and truly drag myself out of bed now I am that world weary.I feel so depleted by life but these dreams of red especially lasts nights are a confirmation of magic and meaning still in my realm.It felt very spiritual and like I was reaching across the veil.But I can't really feel reds spirit,I can't really feel anything - it's a combination of low spirits,that is no high spirits literally bringing me up and away,the brain damage that blunted all my feelings and the meds that suppress everything.I linger and long for mad passionate feelings or spirited feelings that I once felt every damn day.I was always away with the fairies.I look on that state now as one looks on in hopeless desperate want of a lost lover,you pine for it every hour.That relationship with passion and feeling I have now,I think has left me with a greater sense of what it is.My natural disposition is overly passionate but sometimes very haughty and civil even staid,sometimes wild and primitive.

I think I must focus on Ireland now in the direction of my dreams.I felt I'd lost affinity to certain countries, I was very English most of my life and the last two years bent on England to a very high degree.Russia was always pivotal and sacred to me,as was Hungary.Poland was also important for a few years.Now being a celticist it should not be hard to hone in on Ireland that's where most of my understanding of the celts stems,but I find the landscape of Ireland bare and dull,I don't feel life in it.Maybe it's all the Christianity that came,maybe it's because it doesn't seem wooded or mysterious anymore, it doesn't seem alive to me so whilst I feel a bond to the Celtic world and the otherworlds of Eire I don't feel a bond to modern Ireland.Wales still seems shrouded in secrets and something dark and spiritual but Ireland seems dead.I blame Christianity for taking out its passion and colour.I don't like the term Ireland either,I like Eiru or Eire only,after the Irish goddess of that name.Ireland has lost its mysticism.

The dreams have definately inspired me to write on soulmates for exemplore.com but getting the will to do it is another thing.I am just so tired from absolutely wrecked semi sleep,but I want to do it as so much is misunderstood about soulmates.It amazes me that people just make it all up,that we don't call on the wisdom of elders anymore in our societies, that we don't have that well of wisdom that tribal and ancient societies had - to go to an elder and know about our souls purpose and alliances.If I had my way I would interview various tribal elders and shamans on the nature of soulmates and then write on it.I could find nothing on it in journal articles just the usual dull academic articles full of anthropological jargon and tedious hyper rationalism.No wise voice coming through the mist despite weeks and months spent with tribes.Our society has a much greater emphasis on knowledge not wisdom.So you have a society that is very clever but very troubled and without guidance.

I've been looking for a jungian therapist (jungiantherapist.com) because I feel I desperately need counselling of some variety,and jungian therapists with their emphasis on myth,lore,symbols,dreams and all that material to uncover the truth of the matter at a soul level is the only counselling I would consider.The website mentioned above had a nice tale on finding your deepest self involving a Tao rain maker who is in harmony with the order of life.I always loved this quote by Henry Miller "The world does not need to be put in order, the world is order incarnate it is for us to harmonise with this order".Well I'm starting to feel a little better,less lifeless I think I'm in love with him again,he always makes me bloom.