The snug life,spiritual journeys,earths sufferings
Well I bought a book of Cummings poems I was suprised I didn't love many of them,perhaps I was not in an idiosyncratic mindset.Still his love poems are worth reading.Im still reading about spiritual awakenings I couldn't match them exactly, what I've read most feel an overwhelming sense of love for all humanity that I did not experience but have been feeling a bit lately, just a need to treat people with enormous amounts of love,kindness and tenderness.I watched this girls video on her spiritual awakening and really enjoyed it she speaks with alot of authenticity and love.Still drinking my tea,thinking of him,oh I wish he felt close,life is so much brighter when you're in love and I was singing songs about heaven.I miss thinking about cottages,making him soup and watching films,I miss being in my grand English 'fussy girl' mode and high romanticism! I miss it so very much,I miss being lofty and daydreaming I can't tell how much is the damage or just the temper of things.I am liking this completely spiritual time I'm going through though,tragedy either sinks you or brings you on a deeper path I've found.
I feel like I'm going through some transformation,being made to face a spiritual emergence and calling,meeting my greater purpose,the great queens.I think alot about my time in hospital what I went through there; dancing in the yard wildly with some red headed boy,singing nursery rhymes in my room,it's a mythical place because everyone there is unusual,mad raving,spiritual you don't have ordinary conversations and it's a whole other world.I watched some of Borges film 'Crazywise' it seems wonderfully good.I am mostly quite blank today,exhausted and fed up with how the meds make me feel - weighed down,blocked,no exuberance,stifled,I don't feel alive or energised or free.I think I would rather be dead than be on these meds honestly.I would like to attempt coming off them but I'm worried about damage.Anything to feel like myself again,oh it makes me want to weep.
I thought on robotic scientists and other logisticans who think and think with their neverending cynicism and skepticism about everything that never allow the earth to have even the slightest magic or mystery.I wonder why the earth doesn't punish this disregard for her spirit,why she allows herself to be ruined and murdered on a regular basis,and my gosh now that I write it how like the earth I feel right now.Why is there no doomsday revenge on it all? I'm not a great environmentalist but how the earth suffers and still never seems to exact revenge.I am grateful for the spiritual journey I am on,the way life is much deeper for me and how I traverse the land of mysteries,but I still long to be wrapped up in a blanket on the couch with a MacBook looking at weddings,eating cake and squealing over a pretty pyjama set.I could never reconcile these worlds,the world of a nested,cosy and material life with a true walk through the woods,toward the dark and difficult signposts and symbols,the great sense of things being sacred and meaningful,swimming much deeper waters that come from a spiritual path.
Sometimes the two worlds would meet I would be cosy and writing a novel in my room enjoying life,but including notes from the otherworld in its making,in that way there was a marriage and I do think there is an awful lot of magic in the mundane.But gosh today I'm having the same old war,wanting to be so much snug in the cosy world but being forced somewhat to dive deep and go through these depths.I do want to heed and make way for what the universe wishes to make of me,to know my fate but gosh today how much lovelier and happier to be baking or going to ikea,or building a little business,all the things I wanted to do before I had to face my own soul and suffering.
I feel like I'm going through some transformation,being made to face a spiritual emergence and calling,meeting my greater purpose,the great queens.I think alot about my time in hospital what I went through there; dancing in the yard wildly with some red headed boy,singing nursery rhymes in my room,it's a mythical place because everyone there is unusual,mad raving,spiritual you don't have ordinary conversations and it's a whole other world.I watched some of Borges film 'Crazywise' it seems wonderfully good.I am mostly quite blank today,exhausted and fed up with how the meds make me feel - weighed down,blocked,no exuberance,stifled,I don't feel alive or energised or free.I think I would rather be dead than be on these meds honestly.I would like to attempt coming off them but I'm worried about damage.Anything to feel like myself again,oh it makes me want to weep.
I thought on robotic scientists and other logisticans who think and think with their neverending cynicism and skepticism about everything that never allow the earth to have even the slightest magic or mystery.I wonder why the earth doesn't punish this disregard for her spirit,why she allows herself to be ruined and murdered on a regular basis,and my gosh now that I write it how like the earth I feel right now.Why is there no doomsday revenge on it all? I'm not a great environmentalist but how the earth suffers and still never seems to exact revenge.I am grateful for the spiritual journey I am on,the way life is much deeper for me and how I traverse the land of mysteries,but I still long to be wrapped up in a blanket on the couch with a MacBook looking at weddings,eating cake and squealing over a pretty pyjama set.I could never reconcile these worlds,the world of a nested,cosy and material life with a true walk through the woods,toward the dark and difficult signposts and symbols,the great sense of things being sacred and meaningful,swimming much deeper waters that come from a spiritual path.
Sometimes the two worlds would meet I would be cosy and writing a novel in my room enjoying life,but including notes from the otherworld in its making,in that way there was a marriage and I do think there is an awful lot of magic in the mundane.But gosh today I'm having the same old war,wanting to be so much snug in the cosy world but being forced somewhat to dive deep and go through these depths.I do want to heed and make way for what the universe wishes to make of me,to know my fate but gosh today how much lovelier and happier to be baking or going to ikea,or building a little business,all the things I wanted to do before I had to face my own soul and suffering.
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