Deathly days,counted blessings,unscathed souls
Well life is dire,I try to be thankful for what remains,but my world feels over,I sense a few hapinesses here and there.But nothing like March,how did I lose the loveliness of March, I wish my whole life could have been like that.I am starting to feel a little better today,but was deeply suicidal over it all and my tiresome sleep situation is not helping anything - neither my healing or my hope.Brain damage is not something you can see so noone understands at all.I don't have much support regardless.Oh gosh how I need support.I mostly dwell on memories of how life was,I try to feel things and think things,some moments are better than others,but mostly nothing evokes much and thoughts are hard to come by.I was in a blank daze yesterday,couldn't think.Its a sort of strange muted world now and whatever gives me any emotion I dwell on.I don't think anyone would want this sort of life for me and to quote Keats "I have been half in love with easeful death" since it happened.I do want today to be blessed however,to count my blessings and to remain positive but when life totals you again and again how on earth do you keep up the premise of hope.I am not losing my faith in life,I still think I had a magical lovely life,hard as it's been.
I don't recall well what it was like before,I only recall that things were so pretty and happy I was nesting and blooming,I have to read old entries and even then the feeling is somewhat lost on me.It seems to become more present sometimes.I need to see a neurologist,but what can they do? I think even they will be bewildered by what has happened.These meds are a new frontier that noone really understands.I will need to go into the spirit of things if I'm to find any resolution.To truly look at how things unfold and why they unfold the way they do.Or maybe I just need to sit in the quiet of my suffering and be with it.
I have been thinking vaguely about people like me bewildered by spirits - once they were shamans and seers,once in asylums and now simply living a great burden of a life.Feeling I want some revolution for them all.I think of my times in the hospital too taken out of ordinary life,forced to ponder much deeper things.I miss him,I hate completely hate that I need him now because I have so little left to think upon,to dwell in,to live by,normally I'm so immersed in my passions and pursuits that if love drifts I only just notice.But now I wondering how to survive everything alone.I talk about myself in the past tense now" I was such a character","I really was vibrant and bookish" because my world feels over but I must comprehend that my soul is still complex, interesting and unscathed there is some vitality that still comes through this body,it's just so much harder to deliver it.
I don't recall well what it was like before,I only recall that things were so pretty and happy I was nesting and blooming,I have to read old entries and even then the feeling is somewhat lost on me.It seems to become more present sometimes.I need to see a neurologist,but what can they do? I think even they will be bewildered by what has happened.These meds are a new frontier that noone really understands.I will need to go into the spirit of things if I'm to find any resolution.To truly look at how things unfold and why they unfold the way they do.Or maybe I just need to sit in the quiet of my suffering and be with it.
I have been thinking vaguely about people like me bewildered by spirits - once they were shamans and seers,once in asylums and now simply living a great burden of a life.Feeling I want some revolution for them all.I think of my times in the hospital too taken out of ordinary life,forced to ponder much deeper things.I miss him,I hate completely hate that I need him now because I have so little left to think upon,to dwell in,to live by,normally I'm so immersed in my passions and pursuits that if love drifts I only just notice.But now I wondering how to survive everything alone.I talk about myself in the past tense now" I was such a character","I really was vibrant and bookish" because my world feels over but I must comprehend that my soul is still complex, interesting and unscathed there is some vitality that still comes through this body,it's just so much harder to deliver it.
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