Remembering things beloved,nienie dialogues,other galaxies
“I loved to sleep with the window open. Rainy nights were the best of all: I would open the window and put my head on the pillow and close my eyes and feel the wind on my face and listen to the trees sway and creak.”
- Neil Gaiman
Well things improved this morning and I'm feeling better,I'm not remotely back to myself - I can't watch films,I can't read books,I can't have my phantasms,I can't feel the conjuring of things, but this gives me hope that things may one day improve.It was one of the hardest weeks of my life just walking around completely bewildered and blocked,that's the only way I can describe it as if you're feelings about things is blocked,it's not indifference,or sadness but just something you can't reach.It feels like something is coming through now,not much but something.I just feel a bit happier but I still don't feel anything like fully fledged feelings of things or the enjoyment they give.
My DNA Test I was fine to either send or not send it,whereas before I was counting the days for the results.I bought a beautiful classic locket I was still in love with it when I bought it,now obviously I feel something vague.But if I try I can muster some idea of things beloved,it's like I still have a soul sense of what I love.I sometimes still wish I was on Facebook posting poems,pretty pictures and what have you.But my gosh my Celtic studies,family history,folklore etc it feels like some vague thing I once did but I know it's dear to me.
The colour sage still speaks to me,it just feels like there is some strange halt on everything things evoke.A pretty tea cup would delight me now I sort of know I love it but can't feel that I do.With books it's the same, I know I love books but I can't feel that I do.Last Monday I could still feel that. Its really the hardest thing to explain and I don't want to dwell on it all hours I want to be positive most of all,but at the same time be gentle with myself for this is the hardest thing I've ever been through.My passions and the way things light up for me is huge,I can't imagine a life without that.I had such a different perspective on depression after this,the way for some people nothing lights up and they have to walk through life that way my gosh I feel such empathy and just want to be a much more caring person.I spent some time on suicide boards talking to people.
I read nienie dialogues she's a girl who was in a plane crash and completely burned,her husband putting on her compression garments day after day while she was in agonising pain,the human spirit is amazing in its capacity to go on,she even had a little miracle baby.I truly wondered how I would go on if everything was muted for me.
I refuse to regret anymore,regret is an anchor and really weighs you down I have to just dwell in possibility.I was ready to plunge into another galaxy truly,but because I'm such a person of fate and faith I do try and find where this belongs in my story.Its hard to figure out,to try and navigate it all.I can't read my old entries without tears.Waking up is the hardest,during the night I forget everything, but then I wake and realise everything is lost.
I decided I had to blog in order to clarify and remember what I do feel and because I love it so.Only a few things occupy me,the nobility which I've been looking at on Pinterest and tidying everything,I suddenly like to have everything perfect.I watched chase amie with her hundreds of handbags, don't ask me why! I like her very soothing prim voice.She seems a bit fussy like me but I prefer things traditional,antiquated,bespoke not mass produced designer things at all.I would like a Tustings bag not a Gucci bag.I found her after looking for fortnum and mason on youtube.I thought about him all day too,it all just makes me love him so much more,my gosh how much I wish I had alot of support around me.Maybe to bake me a Victoria sponge cake with tea,I'm eating so little.I still look at food and it has no impact.If everything did come back I would honestly have a new lease on life,I would renovate that camper and move to the countryside asap.
Oh I miss so much,I miss everything truly,I miss my passion for writing,I miss watching sense and sensibility in a highly romantic mood,I miss sighing over Viennese cafes,wanting buns and tea,cottage daydreams,excitement over a new book,try as I might I can't feel it,just the full knowledge that those are things beloved.I go through too much,but I am so glad to be feeling a little better.
Postscript : I wrote this last night but ended up having broken sleep and bit of withdrawl and issues last night so am feeling bit glum today.
- Neil Gaiman
Well things improved this morning and I'm feeling better,I'm not remotely back to myself - I can't watch films,I can't read books,I can't have my phantasms,I can't feel the conjuring of things, but this gives me hope that things may one day improve.It was one of the hardest weeks of my life just walking around completely bewildered and blocked,that's the only way I can describe it as if you're feelings about things is blocked,it's not indifference,or sadness but just something you can't reach.It feels like something is coming through now,not much but something.I just feel a bit happier but I still don't feel anything like fully fledged feelings of things or the enjoyment they give.
My DNA Test I was fine to either send or not send it,whereas before I was counting the days for the results.I bought a beautiful classic locket I was still in love with it when I bought it,now obviously I feel something vague.But if I try I can muster some idea of things beloved,it's like I still have a soul sense of what I love.I sometimes still wish I was on Facebook posting poems,pretty pictures and what have you.But my gosh my Celtic studies,family history,folklore etc it feels like some vague thing I once did but I know it's dear to me.
The colour sage still speaks to me,it just feels like there is some strange halt on everything things evoke.A pretty tea cup would delight me now I sort of know I love it but can't feel that I do.With books it's the same, I know I love books but I can't feel that I do.Last Monday I could still feel that. Its really the hardest thing to explain and I don't want to dwell on it all hours I want to be positive most of all,but at the same time be gentle with myself for this is the hardest thing I've ever been through.My passions and the way things light up for me is huge,I can't imagine a life without that.I had such a different perspective on depression after this,the way for some people nothing lights up and they have to walk through life that way my gosh I feel such empathy and just want to be a much more caring person.I spent some time on suicide boards talking to people.
I read nienie dialogues she's a girl who was in a plane crash and completely burned,her husband putting on her compression garments day after day while she was in agonising pain,the human spirit is amazing in its capacity to go on,she even had a little miracle baby.I truly wondered how I would go on if everything was muted for me.
I refuse to regret anymore,regret is an anchor and really weighs you down I have to just dwell in possibility.I was ready to plunge into another galaxy truly,but because I'm such a person of fate and faith I do try and find where this belongs in my story.Its hard to figure out,to try and navigate it all.I can't read my old entries without tears.Waking up is the hardest,during the night I forget everything, but then I wake and realise everything is lost.
I decided I had to blog in order to clarify and remember what I do feel and because I love it so.Only a few things occupy me,the nobility which I've been looking at on Pinterest and tidying everything,I suddenly like to have everything perfect.I watched chase amie with her hundreds of handbags, don't ask me why! I like her very soothing prim voice.She seems a bit fussy like me but I prefer things traditional,antiquated,bespoke not mass produced designer things at all.I would like a Tustings bag not a Gucci bag.I found her after looking for fortnum and mason on youtube.I thought about him all day too,it all just makes me love him so much more,my gosh how much I wish I had alot of support around me.Maybe to bake me a Victoria sponge cake with tea,I'm eating so little.I still look at food and it has no impact.If everything did come back I would honestly have a new lease on life,I would renovate that camper and move to the countryside asap.
Oh I miss so much,I miss everything truly,I miss my passion for writing,I miss watching sense and sensibility in a highly romantic mood,I miss sighing over Viennese cafes,wanting buns and tea,cottage daydreams,excitement over a new book,try as I might I can't feel it,just the full knowledge that those are things beloved.I go through too much,but I am so glad to be feeling a little better.
Postscript : I wrote this last night but ended up having broken sleep and bit of withdrawl and issues last night so am feeling bit glum today.
Total Comments 0
