Surviving shamanic illness

Wrote a very very long amazing carthatic entry that completely healed and freed me after one of the hardest weeks I've ever had.I came home with a desperate need to write it and nothing else and was amazed by how it healed things. I deeply needed it,but The whole page refreshed (something that never happens),and the whole very long entire entry was lost.I simply started crying.Really this week has been non stop grief and problems.

Decided to go on the medication,because the chances of finding a mudang who can Iniate me in what I still believe is shamanic illness is not high.I have no other option and can no longer live with the suffering.

Wish I had realised this earlier and prevented a lot of suffering and problems this week.
I can no longer cope with it.

The drugs are truly truly against all my highest principles,I think of them as heinous and damaging and struggled all night with what to do but I really feel I have no choice.

I don't think it's right suppressing it all and the tale of it,but I can not live with it.

I have no support whatsoever,can't get a case manager, and no doubt none of this would have happened if I had a guiding hand.

I have not been able to sleep for five days the worst,but took a sleeper every night so was able to prevent having an episode.last night I read an article on how sleepers cause dependency and make the issue worse so decided to try a herbal.the herbal did not work and I was up most of the night.
Finally I decided to take a sleeper,the herbal interacted badly with the sleeper and now the sleeper doesn't work.

Of course I agonised and blamed myself for taking the herbal all day and night,I'm still beating myself up now,and now what's to become of me if it won't work.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

I don't know how such happy days for weeks now turned into the most horrible days I've gone through.