wtf is wrong with me
I will just spend the rest of my life crying and hurting because of my own stupid choices. I seem to have done everything in the last several years to make these remaining years as heart wrenching, painful, lonely, and just plain pathetic as I possibly can. The thing is , I don't know why. I thought that I was someone that I could be proud of for the most part. I was always trying to do right by others, and still do. I don't have many people to do right by anymore, but still, like I always have, even those that **** on me at almost every chance they get, take advantage of me, steal and/or lie to me, throw me under the bus, etc. I just hope for better from them next time. So, maybe that means I really didn't like myself as much as I thought....I know damn well that I can't stand myself much now. I escape too much from my own pain and fear, and I escape by any way I can at the time. If I am not escaping, I am punishing myself somehow in some way for letting everyone down, especially Jacobey and Jodi and Damien. Well, now my Mom as well. So I punish myself by saying horrible things about me to me, or possibly that is part of why I let Nikki, Matthew, Matt, and whoever is around, just take me for a ride. I am spending another night doing my normal beating up of myself, thinkiing about all my regrets, feeling that life has nothing more coming my way in the good way, crying my eyes out while making my head, stomach, and chest hurt, and this time I am stuck in a hotel room that was supposed to be for an evening of just being together and enjoying each other, with Matthew. Matthew was drunk before we left and his rapid changing personalities and rough rude behavior, has me stuck in this room wanting to smoke a cig for over 5 hours, but if I leave the room it will be huge fight. He of course sits with his vape, not thinking I am on like day 3 without still eating more than 10 bites of any food thanks to having no money, and then getting too sick to my stomach to eat when there was something. He's good tho, he won't remember a damn thing in the morning, and I will know that the good will only last till the next bottle again.
In the meantime, Matt, Brittany, CeeCee, and Jacobey are in Kansas doing the family thing for Thanksgiving. I may as well have never been . I don't understand people, but it seems that I am the oddball that loves till the end. I only seem to matter to one person, that is Matthew, and that only seems the case about %15 of the time. The rest he is asleep, at work, high and drunk, or absorbed in his phone and tv. I am needed for sex, (and he doesn't seem to prefer me over his hand most of the time) food, find stuff he loses, and make sure there is a roof over his head. Jessica isn't even moving in now. She was what gave me purpose, she needed me and had nobody else. But thanks to my inability to get mad enuf to stand up for myself and kick Nicki out, and have enough respect for myself that Matthew would respect anything I need or want in my house, she is now moving in with Al and the girls. I literally feel like I am all alone in this world, aside from the few that need to live in my home. I am so so deeply broken and hopeless. I don't want to watch Matthew drink till his death or prison, and I can't make him stop, and he has all the classic excuses. He is so young and smart, but so angry and lazy.. He can't possibly love me, because don't all the experts say that we can't love without loving ourselves? Does that mean I don't love him either? I feel like i do, but I also am feeling resentment building much faster than I thought possible. REsentment for the fear I feel of him when he is drunk and angry, for the distrust he has for me and has since the beginning, for the way he talks to JC-or doesn't talk to him at all, for the way he doesn't believe anything i tell him from experience, for his empty words and promises just like Matt, for watching me work my ass off and pay for almost everything we need to live without helping, but will still be pissed off because I have so much that occupies my time, for drinking and smoking every day and never being in this life with me or dealing with life's struggles, yet having the best way i should or shouldve dealt with it, for not knowing caring about the things that I care about just because they are important to me, for letting me love him. I know that I am alone in my pain, and I have nobody in the world I can count on or that will ever take care of me and love me unselfishly. And yet, going on another two plus weeks without seeing my Mom, knowing how alone she feels and really is while also being confused about her surroundings and pretty much everything, I DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE SAME.
In the meantime, Matt, Brittany, CeeCee, and Jacobey are in Kansas doing the family thing for Thanksgiving. I may as well have never been . I don't understand people, but it seems that I am the oddball that loves till the end. I only seem to matter to one person, that is Matthew, and that only seems the case about %15 of the time. The rest he is asleep, at work, high and drunk, or absorbed in his phone and tv. I am needed for sex, (and he doesn't seem to prefer me over his hand most of the time) food, find stuff he loses, and make sure there is a roof over his head. Jessica isn't even moving in now. She was what gave me purpose, she needed me and had nobody else. But thanks to my inability to get mad enuf to stand up for myself and kick Nicki out, and have enough respect for myself that Matthew would respect anything I need or want in my house, she is now moving in with Al and the girls. I literally feel like I am all alone in this world, aside from the few that need to live in my home. I am so so deeply broken and hopeless. I don't want to watch Matthew drink till his death or prison, and I can't make him stop, and he has all the classic excuses. He is so young and smart, but so angry and lazy.. He can't possibly love me, because don't all the experts say that we can't love without loving ourselves? Does that mean I don't love him either? I feel like i do, but I also am feeling resentment building much faster than I thought possible. REsentment for the fear I feel of him when he is drunk and angry, for the distrust he has for me and has since the beginning, for the way he talks to JC-or doesn't talk to him at all, for the way he doesn't believe anything i tell him from experience, for his empty words and promises just like Matt, for watching me work my ass off and pay for almost everything we need to live without helping, but will still be pissed off because I have so much that occupies my time, for drinking and smoking every day and never being in this life with me or dealing with life's struggles, yet having the best way i should or shouldve dealt with it, for not knowing caring about the things that I care about just because they are important to me, for letting me love him. I know that I am alone in my pain, and I have nobody in the world I can count on or that will ever take care of me and love me unselfishly. And yet, going on another two plus weeks without seeing my Mom, knowing how alone she feels and really is while also being confused about her surroundings and pretty much everything, I DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE SAME.
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