zero self worth

That is the only explanation. I know my self esteem is pretty rock bottom, and I find it hard to think that I could be feeling real great about myself at this age with reality telling me how I have accomplished nothing that I set out to and had no back up plans for this scenario. I suppose I was overly confident before? Maybe, but many would say I was just stupid. Either or, at this pity party of mine, I am not feeling that even with my really bad moments, or stretches, I deserve the way I am treated. Yes, I am aware that I am the only one that can decide if I will put up with a certain treatment, good or bad, from another, which is my point. I must hate myself more than I even thought I did. There is absolutely no reason I should pay the way for the adults living here. No reason my future cushion, as small as it was, should be depleted in two months, no reason I should live in filth or attempt to clean up others messes day after day every time I am home, no reason I shouldn't be able to relax and enjoy what used to be my home before all this, no reason my few possessions should be misused and broken or lost with no more than a shrug and laugh or quick sorry coupled with a laugh and "it's no big deal.", NO REASON IN HELL AND IM SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT BECAUSE IT CAN ONLY FALL TO ME TO STOP IT OR FIX IT, that JC lives in a home that reeks of pot, has no schedule, and the entertainment on the tv mirrors the foul language that is overused, and has no family time with no family values illustrated;no reason I should be afraid and walk on eggshells in the house I pay for while sleeping in a bed that is generally overrun with blankets, vapes, dogs, and misc **** not related to sleep, freezing or completely overheated, stepping on trash and tripping over alcohol bottles, having lights painfully blinding me for no other reason outside of me saying it hurts, all while enjoying the constant insults on how I live, sleep, do things, and being questioned if I am using drugs and sleeping around. I am pretty positive that this is not even on the map of the path I should be on if I ever want to be around kids in my family again or have regular family events at all, and it sure the hell will do nothing to help me love myself or even feel there is a future to look forward to. What grew this deep loathing of myself to even entertain this kind of treatment or example to Jc, I have allowed. And now what? I am in love with Matthew. I am in love with the side of him I see the least of tho. There are many sides I love, like, and am touched or amused by as well, which is good, but the parts that make me cringe for those around me, or the parts that shorten his life while freezing his emotional growth as well as killing his intellectual, and the extremely angry unforgiving, scary, verbally abusive just ruthless part, have me knowing that I have already lived this life and it is no way to live. It's not fair for anyone else in my life to have to live most of it as well, just because I have let myself be around it. I am way to educated in this lifestyle, and see no happy ending. Especially when he has no desire, seemingly, to want to control his anger or drinking. Since he doesn't remember most of his bad behavior, or claims no to, and then can just continue as if it didn't hurt, or cause a problem, or risk others well being, or put our place to live even at risk, I see even less chance of a positive outcome. The thing that has really had me an emotional confused worthless ball of mess the last 48 hours, is that after seeing the aftermath of the night that I came home crying and upset with an unopened bottle of Patron, he didnt seemed phased in the least. I didn't know i was coming home and walking into a drunken ****storm. I had no idea he was even drinking. I have never brought a bottle home with the intention of drinking the whole thing to myself at any time in my entire ****ing life. That isn't how I am, and if I spend the money on a bottle, it is so I can enjoy it over a period of time. I did, however, want to have a few drinks immediately to mellow out because I had just agreed, BECAUSE IT IS BETTER FOR JACOBEY, to let Jc go to KS for a week over thanksgiving but was and am still full of grief over it. I also ran into Amelia and Autumn on the way home when I stopped to grab limes, and it broke me even more. I don't think that means I am playing the victim because I allowed the situation and then have emotions about it. I know I could have said no, I also know how hurt Jc wouldve been knowing that Matt had taken his new family to Kansas without him. He would be devastated. Betrayed, replaced, unimportant, angry, abandoned, and his self esteem wouldve dipped even lower, as well as created such an emotional monster, that Thanksgiving would have been hell anyways. But after being verbally accosted the moment I got in the door, having the bottle I just bought taken out of my hands, cornered and not allowed to move freely around the kitchen, much less my own home, being yelled at accusingly over and over in my face that something happened and I wasn't telling him the truth when I said that I was upset about Thanksgiving and JC, still being held in one spot physically, then when released had the car keys grabbed and thrown into the night, put in a headlock and told I have no choices in what I do, drink, or where I go anymore, followed one step to the next just trying to get in bed and make him listen to my words that I was NEVER going to drink myself to the point of then hurting myself and nothing happened, then while still being screamed at I break away to try and smoke and I'm scared ****less and still completely dumbfounded after 20 minutes of this, I get stopped again and bang my fists against the picture on the wall screaming "stop it, listen to me, listen to me!" trying to out yell him, and I am in a choke hold, slammed into the wall and on the floor with my hand bleeding all over the place before I even realized what was happening. My breathing was labored and my throat felt crushed by my voice box, and now he is screaming that this has to do with Matt because I want to be with him, and he will call and have him pick me up, screaming and spitting on me, then yelling that I am weak, and a selfish POS, and I just want to keep being a POS, so **** it, he's over it and isn't going to be with a selfish POS like me anyways. Then again, I was trying to hurt myself, drink a whole bottle and then kill myself and that is why he has to stop me, and he is calling Nikki saying all this that still blows my mind he really believed. I was trying to yell to Nikki that it wasn't what happened, and I havent even had a drink, was sober from the get go, but I could feel my throat, and it hurt. I was so scared at what was next, but yelling wasn't really working for me. Finally after he duck taped my hand, told me he had to do all this to protect me, told me that this alone would cause Jacobey to be taken from me and him to go to jail, he let me lay down in bed. Then said to do whatever I wanted, and not to be afraid, so I started to get up to smoke, and he jumped up and started telling me I had no choices again, and where the **** was I going, then yelled at me for just standing there, because if I moved or spoke, it set him off again. Then I sat on the bed and he layed over on me a bit and said he had to stop my bleeding or I would lose my hand, so he needed to take the ducktape off and I had my choice of either alcohol or hydrogen peroxide, but he was going to soak my hand in one or the other, so I needed to pick. I knew neither was right, and I tried to tell him I just needed to wash it with soap and water and see the damage, but he was getting louder and louder saying to pick and he was holding my wrist and inches from my face, so I just said ok either one, just get it done. I felt like I was starting to check out mentally, and even tho I knew that the pure alcohol was probably going to hurt enuf to make me pass out, I just wanted him to stop yelling and scaring me. I still didn't even know he was drunk, he smelled like his usual slightly alcohol scented breath, even in the morning or if he hadn't had a drink yet, but not like he had been drinking that afternoon and evening. For some reason, he just let go of my hand then, got up and took a drink of Patron, layed down in the bed, and looked at me like we had just been hanging out for the last hour or so. I was still shaking and crying and trying to control my breath. He asked like any other time, "well are you going to wash your hand or not?" When I got done and came back in the room, he was just laying in bed like normal with his vape and staring at his phone. I walked out the back door and smoked a cigarette, came back in, and he was asleep. I crawled into bed and completely freaked out and exhausted, I fell asleep. I started this by saying that his reaction to the aftermath of the night he doesn't remember much, is what I am really struggling with. I wasn't going to write the whole thing out, but I am glad I did now while it is fresh, because it's not the first time he has really scared me, and not the first time he has hurt me or acted completely insane then remembering nothing. It is the worst, and the first time he put the choke hold on me was to calm me down and I was really teetering with self harm, and took pills that night after the retreat. He was very angry and volotile because he read something I had written to Matt, not sure when or what it was, just remember he was screaming and saying he was done, and I was telling him that he was taking what I said and meant when I said it like something else and he was not right in my meaning. This happens a lot, but I still had been really ready to end my life over the last few days and he knew it. It is also the ONLY break that far I have had, and am not suicidal, but when the chemical balance gets thrown to the extreme and coupled with not eating right or an incident that had me really upset over or even my period, I can flip like that. I know this, and need my medicine asap. This night however, I was just crying and told him exactly why when he asked and i'm left with bruising under both arms, on my arms, sore spots all over, my neck is really jacked up feeling, but mostly I am left with this entirely different set of fears than I had before about his drinking, his driving while drinking, and the damage he's doing to himself. I am put back into this battered wife state of mind I had with Louie for 7 plus years. Nightmares, nervousness, not wanting to say anything, just straight up ****ing fear. I am also afraid he will see the fear in my face and get mad and that makes me more afraid. I can't go back to just thinking he gets too rough when he's got the bottle, and only is playing, and would never hurt me or make me do anything I didn't want to. I know now that wether he remembers it or not, or shrugs off the bruises I showed him yesterday like bruising the person you love more than anything and say can trust you is just another day. Then he hugged me and said he was off to finish himself off and for me not to worry about it, and that's that. This is the same person, in body anyways, that has told me over and over that I am "precious and don't ever deserve to be treated like Matt treated me" and he wants to beat the **** out of him, that no man should choke a girl out or raise a hand to them and he is pos that deserves the same to happen to him, etc etc. But he did the same thing to me twice the other night, not choking me unconscious tho, but crushing my throat and all the rest plus screaming at me that I was a selfish pos and I did NOTHING to bring this on from him. In 21 years, Matt has never done that to me before that, and I was at least grabbing his clothes out of his hand and smacking his hands and arms. I dont know how I let this happen, and I love him so much. I know I can't and won't live like this, and if Jacobey ever saw anything even remotely close to a physical fight, I would not deserve to be mothering him at all. Not when I know it could happen and it could get him hurt possibly, but guarenteed emotionally. I dont want to lose Matthew either, not as my bf/friend/lover or even future husband. I also don't want him on his own, or away from me at least, and have him get hurt. I AM SO STUPID AND KNOW BETTER. I saw this coming within the first month of living together. I saw the signs, saw the patterns, and knowing full well i was doing it, made the same stupid excuses to explain it away and to ignore it. I also know by now that prayers wont help fix this, I can only control it by leaving the situation, and he is the only one that can fix this and give us a chance together, or even himself just for himself, and he doesn't even try to pretend he wants to stop. Not even a little white lie once in awhile to calm anyone's concerns. Just the crazy talk of future, kids, family, money, and I know all that is impossible without change. With no drinking and more moderation of weed, all of it is possible, and I know that as well..Funny thing is that when someone doesn't like who they are like he claims he doesnt, and is so angry with self esteem issues coming into a relationship, they aren't thinking they deserve or can even be with someone that is worth their heart, time, etc, and often go for someone that they know they can control and feel is beneath them. So, with so many Matthew's all wrapped into one, what am i in his eyes and to him, and has it changed. I know so little beyond what I have seen with my own eyes. I know he was with Kiana when he said he wasn't in love with her, but felt bad and couldn't leave her on her own, at the same time, he wasn't attracted to her at first either, but wasn't going to shoot her down without at least getting to know her and why she would offer money to someone to be with her. Then, now I am just starting to babble all the things that seem odd, shady, don't add up, and seem to change when I am thinking about or hearing about this girl or that. Too many secrets, but I get the accusing statements and have all these rules and requirements. Like I said in the first place, How much do I loathe myself to allow........