Im a dick too

So ya, I am feeling like a douche. I know that I want to do things, and more often than not I end up not doing what I needed or wanted. Mostly it is all my fault. I can't control others, I know this. I can't make them happy, that's obvious as well. Here is the thing tho, I can't seem to stop trying, denying myself the pleasure that I want for myself, and would make me a happier person, which in turn would make me more enjoyable to be around. The problem is that I have learned from the past several years, that if I say no to others and yes to myself, there isn't really any others around me anyways.....That means that I would be even unhappier and lonely. Yet here I am, at GSR with Matthew, and the Vanilla Ice and Salt n Pepper concert was tonight. I wanted to go, as did Matthew, but I never reserved the tickets, and it became sold out. When he was in the store nearby, Matthew was talking to someone with the concert and was invited to the after party. After being grumpy and sober for a bit, he all of a sudden perked up and was excited and said we were going to the afterparrty. I flat out said no. My face is mess thanks to the stress of Nord, I'm dressed like hell, headache and beginning cramps, and the real kicker was that Matthew had been grumpy for the last hour or so, and needed to hve a bottle to be happy, which causes me to act like an ass and be pissed It's not like I am teaching him anything. Instead, I am putting my ego and mood swings on him and this.

I hate this place we are in now. I want more, he also wants more he says. He wants forever. I can't figure a way in my head that it will work. The moment sthat he is sharing his heart and loving on me are irreplacable. There is nothing I'd rather be doing than listen to him profess his love for me while staring into my eyes and stroking my hair. He knows how to make me scream and then melt. It's like a movie it's so perfect. Then the guy that fixed almost everything in the world for me, withjust his words and touch, leaves. Just like that.