why am I still fighting?
I mean, wth for? I wish I was better at blogging. I can't remember everything, or anything really. I am just not sure what I'm fighting for anymore. It was a better life, GONE
It was a family, GONE
It was my marriage, GONE
It was and always has been Jacobey, but he doesn't even want me picking him up anymore. Wants Matthew. He wants to be at his Dad and Brittany's all the time, and just say ILU to me once in awhile. Doesn't want to be seen with me at school or around friends, and now doesn't even want me to pick him up! If I were better at daily blogging, I might be able to read back and figure out how and why I have lost everything. Why I am all alone. Why I can't seem to do anything right and am sinking faster and deeper into the pits of hell. Why do I wake up every day? I am becoming everything that Matt says I am, and JC says I am negative and sad all the time, WHICH I AM REALISTIC NOW AND SAD BEYOND WORDS, but the more everyone pulls away from me and lets me do the same, and all the lies Matt has told me through all this, on top of taking my future, marriage, son, church, niece, and hometown away from me, the more sad and negative I am. I know strong people will say, prove them wrong and be happy! Succeed! Don't let them see you cry! WHY THE **** NOT? WHY is the world so stuck on being tough and fake? I hurt. I am strugging to even stay alive. My success would have been my dream of a family and my son being happy and living under the same roof with me till at least 18, and my husband doing what he promised to do, and love me and not let me fall. I still don't have insurance, so not on the meds properly, so it's all even harder. Matthew fell asleep and didn't get JC from school yesterday, so Matt called cuz the school called him. JC just went to his Dad and B's house cuz I was working. It was on the day that JC and Matt both keep saying, or hounding!, for they want JC to be there anyways instead of here every week. Matthew is lying about alcohol, and rent is due today, but I have nada. I got nowhere to move when evicted either. This is my fault, I just can't seem to think or do the right thing. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't want to be alone, and mostly, I don't want to share JC with the Dad Matt is now and the family man he is now. I remember the dating mode, he did all sorts of stuff with me. OUTSIDE even! He took me to cool places and out to eat all the time, and it was great. But it's been a year and he is still doing it all, and JC deserves the family life. I just don't know why I did't from Matt, and we as a family didn't. Her and her kid and my son get the American dream. I begged for that from him. Maybe it will wear off for them too, but in the meantime, I am missing those moments with JC and his Dad, and I just don't want to be here in this town anymore. MY TOWN. I don't want to drive by their house, or pass either of them, especially her! when driving, or hear about the places we used to go to, but now they all do as a family, or run into her family, or continue failing JC because I can't get up long enough before getting knocked down, to do anything right or completely. I am so so tired. I just want everyone I love to see that I am trying with all I have, but it just isn't enough. It looks like I'm not to them, but I am. I just don't have anything left to fight with. I'm hopeless and exhausted, and still very shell shocked. I look at the future, and it seems lonely and desolate and nothing like I dreamed, worked for, wanted, or thought. So again, wth am I fighting for?
I did get a message from Levi last night, and that was the highlight of my last 12 months! I needed it so bad, and was just thinking the other day how much I missed him, and hoped he hadn't jumped on the Tricia is out of sight out of mind band wagon. He opened a theatre in Mulvane, and I plan to make a trip there just to see his amazing accomplishment. I love him so much, and am so grateful that he still loves me, and doesn't just say it. He actually shows me by making the time to contact me. He is amazing.
God, please help me to see a reason to keep fighting. I can't convince myself even a little bit anymore that I am worth a damn, and that I am good for JC at all. The more I am abandoned for the cloud of sadness that I'm under, the more sad and hopeless I get. And living up to everyone's thoughts of me has caused me to create my own reality. Its a cycle that won't stop on my own, and I am on my own here.
It was a family, GONE
It was my marriage, GONE
It was and always has been Jacobey, but he doesn't even want me picking him up anymore. Wants Matthew. He wants to be at his Dad and Brittany's all the time, and just say ILU to me once in awhile. Doesn't want to be seen with me at school or around friends, and now doesn't even want me to pick him up! If I were better at daily blogging, I might be able to read back and figure out how and why I have lost everything. Why I am all alone. Why I can't seem to do anything right and am sinking faster and deeper into the pits of hell. Why do I wake up every day? I am becoming everything that Matt says I am, and JC says I am negative and sad all the time, WHICH I AM REALISTIC NOW AND SAD BEYOND WORDS, but the more everyone pulls away from me and lets me do the same, and all the lies Matt has told me through all this, on top of taking my future, marriage, son, church, niece, and hometown away from me, the more sad and negative I am. I know strong people will say, prove them wrong and be happy! Succeed! Don't let them see you cry! WHY THE **** NOT? WHY is the world so stuck on being tough and fake? I hurt. I am strugging to even stay alive. My success would have been my dream of a family and my son being happy and living under the same roof with me till at least 18, and my husband doing what he promised to do, and love me and not let me fall. I still don't have insurance, so not on the meds properly, so it's all even harder. Matthew fell asleep and didn't get JC from school yesterday, so Matt called cuz the school called him. JC just went to his Dad and B's house cuz I was working. It was on the day that JC and Matt both keep saying, or hounding!, for they want JC to be there anyways instead of here every week. Matthew is lying about alcohol, and rent is due today, but I have nada. I got nowhere to move when evicted either. This is my fault, I just can't seem to think or do the right thing. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't want to be alone, and mostly, I don't want to share JC with the Dad Matt is now and the family man he is now. I remember the dating mode, he did all sorts of stuff with me. OUTSIDE even! He took me to cool places and out to eat all the time, and it was great. But it's been a year and he is still doing it all, and JC deserves the family life. I just don't know why I did't from Matt, and we as a family didn't. Her and her kid and my son get the American dream. I begged for that from him. Maybe it will wear off for them too, but in the meantime, I am missing those moments with JC and his Dad, and I just don't want to be here in this town anymore. MY TOWN. I don't want to drive by their house, or pass either of them, especially her! when driving, or hear about the places we used to go to, but now they all do as a family, or run into her family, or continue failing JC because I can't get up long enough before getting knocked down, to do anything right or completely. I am so so tired. I just want everyone I love to see that I am trying with all I have, but it just isn't enough. It looks like I'm not to them, but I am. I just don't have anything left to fight with. I'm hopeless and exhausted, and still very shell shocked. I look at the future, and it seems lonely and desolate and nothing like I dreamed, worked for, wanted, or thought. So again, wth am I fighting for?
I did get a message from Levi last night, and that was the highlight of my last 12 months! I needed it so bad, and was just thinking the other day how much I missed him, and hoped he hadn't jumped on the Tricia is out of sight out of mind band wagon. He opened a theatre in Mulvane, and I plan to make a trip there just to see his amazing accomplishment. I love him so much, and am so grateful that he still loves me, and doesn't just say it. He actually shows me by making the time to contact me. He is amazing.
God, please help me to see a reason to keep fighting. I can't convince myself even a little bit anymore that I am worth a damn, and that I am good for JC at all. The more I am abandoned for the cloud of sadness that I'm under, the more sad and hopeless I get. And living up to everyone's thoughts of me has caused me to create my own reality. Its a cycle that won't stop on my own, and I am on my own here.
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