must stop or implode

Another day closer to doomsday when the money isn't replaced to Mom's account. I couldn't even do a fax right! I had the right number and tried 8 times and called igt HR and was then told I should just deliver it, because they don't have any idea why the fax isn't working. Ugh, I'm back to the whole state of mind that it would be easier and better for JC to just stay with his Dad and the family in the new house. I would rather slit my throat than not have him with me every day all the time, but I can no longer have my son as it should be. And I can't stand what this is doing to him, and me as well. I want him so much to be ok, but I also can't stand him there, but I can't keep up with what his life is like there, try to teach him lessons and give discipline but it's different here and there. Then he feels the need be there all the time anyways, is secretive about anything I ask just casually, always worrying about me crying and saying something wrong, but I don't want him to think of what he says. I want him to be able to talk freely and let me in on what he's up to and it also kills me. This whole thing is killing me.