too much!
Posted 10-22-2016 at 07:22 AM by trickydawn
I need to blog so badly, for my own sanity, however, it is so daunting. There is so much that I am scared about, upset about, mad and hurt about, worried about, and then the list of tasks I need to do seems to keep growing with me not accomplishing a single one completely, and I feel like the sun comes up every day for the sole purpose of watching what kinda ****ed up news I'm going to get today, or what new kick in the gut life is going to throw at me. It's brutal, and I hate even talking to anyone about any of it, because I even irritate myself with the sad sad existence I am leading right now. It's almost humorous, it's so bad. Of only it weren't happening to me tho. I feel very close to One Flew Over the Cuckoos Neck type crazy. really, like I am just going to snap, like my Mom did. I don't feel like I have anyone in my life to talk to that understands. I am not even sure when I wrote my last post.
I am sure that this is NOT the life for me, nor has it ever been. Matt didn't "save" me from a life of partying, trouble, bad relationships, and basically becoming a waste of space like he thinks. I NEVER had the goal of just escaping and living life thru an incoherent haze with zero goals and nothing to ground me. Nothing to love. That was never to be for me. It's not only the opposite of what I wanted, it was not something I would have settled for. I knew exactly what I wanted, and he was not the only way to get it. As a matter of fact, he was also the opposite. It seems almost worse to have had many of the things i wanted that were important to me, than lose it all, than to never had reached many of my goals. It's too late to start over, and I couldn't anyways. Why, because I can't replace people or time. HE was my husband, and I have only one Jacobey. My goals were so old fashioned, and I wanted pretty much the same things God intended for me to have as a woman. I wanted a home, a husband to raise a family with, a family full of love and values and good memories with a foundation of God and family. Family that stays family, no matter what. I wanted to give back where I could, raise my son with the same love for God and family, be there for my friends and family, be involved with a church that loved and helped each other, make others laugh, a relationship that stood the test of time and trials with someone that I knew no matter what, was the one person that I could count on and loved me unconditionally. I have none of the above now, and I can't get it back. No, I didn't have it all, especially all at the same time, but I was not at the end of life yet. Or so I thought. I feel only a sense of deep intense hurt, fear, lonlieness, and betrayal now. No hope, and there are no goals left that I have. And in the meantime, I am still unsuccessful with obtaining insurance, so far in debt to my Mom that I can't even see hope, have lost my home to everyone else in it, lost my voice as well, hell, lost my bedroom to bedbugs, Lost my Mom to insanity, lost any connection at all with the entire group of people that I worshipped God with, lost my friends for multiple reasons, Lost my spouse, my smile, my hope, my entire life is 100% gone. The biggest thing I lost is my son. My reason for getting up, and dreaming, and looking forward to hugging every day. Matthew doesn't seem to have even the tiniest understanding that without Jacobey, I am not even a whole person. He met because of Jacobey, but like everyone else that exists, he seems to have no interest in a relationship with him. Not for me, not for anything. Although, he doesn't seem to have an intrest in anything for anyone, and if I ask or explain how important someone or something is to me, I only see that he is more determined to not honor it. I have said as much, but like anything I try to convey to another, it seems to just be taken defensively and as an attack. He asks nothing of my life or family or experiences. I am not sure that he knows much about me, if anything, at all. Nor can I get much from him ,tho I try to ask. I feel programmable to him, and I was handy, so will do for now. I don't know if it is the result of feeling so completely interchangeable and insignificant from Matt and his family's deletion as quick as a heartbeat, or just self esteem, or the fact that I am expected to keep altering everything about my life and who I was, for him and the world. Where's my fight? I have no fight because I have nothing left to fight for. Jacobey has stayed at Matts since I went to hospital, even once I came home, then he went to camp and went straight back to Matt's. Nikki is now two months behind on rent, and I don't see a way out of that for either of us now, the house is a pigsty, Two other people seemed to have moved in just like that, no discussion, no help with utilities, and JC doesn't want or need that. Nor do I! The dogs are pissing all over the house, and barking at all hours of the night with people coming and going. I am still not getting the balls to just yell "ENOUGH!" to anything or anyone besides myself. I am dying a bit each day without JC, who barely responds to me, meanwhile Matt and his new family get to see him everyday. And Matt can't possibly be any colder with his non caring and samo comments if any. He feels sorry for me, I hated him, I don't want anything but to take his money that I don't deserve, and how ****ty I am in general as a person. My Mom doesn't know what day or year it is, and makes sense only about 25%of the time. Even then it isn't relevent. I keep asking myself wth am I doing, then answer myself that I see unable to do anything, nor see a reason to care. I have lost a reason to care for myself for sure. Another holiday, the 4th of July, is here, and it is another one I won't have JC with me. So there is no joy in it. Jodi is drunk every time I see her, and that isn't very often, but Tanya confirms its daily. So, ya, I let my arm infection get pretty bad. Why? Because I want this to end. I can't live like this anymore, and can't fix it. Yes, I can change my life and do things differently, I just can't seem to get anybody to understand that I dont want anything different than a family and that's that. But I finally went to the hospital, because I don't want to die either, and I don't want that to be the legacy I leave. Even if Jc thinks I am a loser and anything else Matt also feels of me, I can't just give in to suicide. I have to just in case Jc wants or needs me, at any time. I have to make sure he NEVER thinks I didn't care, even if he never gets that I care more than anything. And I have to get rid of my fear about God not being there. That is NOT ok. that is never going to be ok. But I am slipping further and further and don't know how to stop it. I cry at least 3xs a day probably, I wan't to give in at least once a day, I hate myself every day, and I think that this can't be real and is gonna go back to normal anytime several times a day, and I feel completely incredulous and that this is all going to end in a horrible way the rest of the time, or I'm drunk and high. Even intoxicated I can only escape the reality very momentarily.
I am sure that this is NOT the life for me, nor has it ever been. Matt didn't "save" me from a life of partying, trouble, bad relationships, and basically becoming a waste of space like he thinks. I NEVER had the goal of just escaping and living life thru an incoherent haze with zero goals and nothing to ground me. Nothing to love. That was never to be for me. It's not only the opposite of what I wanted, it was not something I would have settled for. I knew exactly what I wanted, and he was not the only way to get it. As a matter of fact, he was also the opposite. It seems almost worse to have had many of the things i wanted that were important to me, than lose it all, than to never had reached many of my goals. It's too late to start over, and I couldn't anyways. Why, because I can't replace people or time. HE was my husband, and I have only one Jacobey. My goals were so old fashioned, and I wanted pretty much the same things God intended for me to have as a woman. I wanted a home, a husband to raise a family with, a family full of love and values and good memories with a foundation of God and family. Family that stays family, no matter what. I wanted to give back where I could, raise my son with the same love for God and family, be there for my friends and family, be involved with a church that loved and helped each other, make others laugh, a relationship that stood the test of time and trials with someone that I knew no matter what, was the one person that I could count on and loved me unconditionally. I have none of the above now, and I can't get it back. No, I didn't have it all, especially all at the same time, but I was not at the end of life yet. Or so I thought. I feel only a sense of deep intense hurt, fear, lonlieness, and betrayal now. No hope, and there are no goals left that I have. And in the meantime, I am still unsuccessful with obtaining insurance, so far in debt to my Mom that I can't even see hope, have lost my home to everyone else in it, lost my voice as well, hell, lost my bedroom to bedbugs, Lost my Mom to insanity, lost any connection at all with the entire group of people that I worshipped God with, lost my friends for multiple reasons, Lost my spouse, my smile, my hope, my entire life is 100% gone. The biggest thing I lost is my son. My reason for getting up, and dreaming, and looking forward to hugging every day. Matthew doesn't seem to have even the tiniest understanding that without Jacobey, I am not even a whole person. He met because of Jacobey, but like everyone else that exists, he seems to have no interest in a relationship with him. Not for me, not for anything. Although, he doesn't seem to have an intrest in anything for anyone, and if I ask or explain how important someone or something is to me, I only see that he is more determined to not honor it. I have said as much, but like anything I try to convey to another, it seems to just be taken defensively and as an attack. He asks nothing of my life or family or experiences. I am not sure that he knows much about me, if anything, at all. Nor can I get much from him ,tho I try to ask. I feel programmable to him, and I was handy, so will do for now. I don't know if it is the result of feeling so completely interchangeable and insignificant from Matt and his family's deletion as quick as a heartbeat, or just self esteem, or the fact that I am expected to keep altering everything about my life and who I was, for him and the world. Where's my fight? I have no fight because I have nothing left to fight for. Jacobey has stayed at Matts since I went to hospital, even once I came home, then he went to camp and went straight back to Matt's. Nikki is now two months behind on rent, and I don't see a way out of that for either of us now, the house is a pigsty, Two other people seemed to have moved in just like that, no discussion, no help with utilities, and JC doesn't want or need that. Nor do I! The dogs are pissing all over the house, and barking at all hours of the night with people coming and going. I am still not getting the balls to just yell "ENOUGH!" to anything or anyone besides myself. I am dying a bit each day without JC, who barely responds to me, meanwhile Matt and his new family get to see him everyday. And Matt can't possibly be any colder with his non caring and samo comments if any. He feels sorry for me, I hated him, I don't want anything but to take his money that I don't deserve, and how ****ty I am in general as a person. My Mom doesn't know what day or year it is, and makes sense only about 25%of the time. Even then it isn't relevent. I keep asking myself wth am I doing, then answer myself that I see unable to do anything, nor see a reason to care. I have lost a reason to care for myself for sure. Another holiday, the 4th of July, is here, and it is another one I won't have JC with me. So there is no joy in it. Jodi is drunk every time I see her, and that isn't very often, but Tanya confirms its daily. So, ya, I let my arm infection get pretty bad. Why? Because I want this to end. I can't live like this anymore, and can't fix it. Yes, I can change my life and do things differently, I just can't seem to get anybody to understand that I dont want anything different than a family and that's that. But I finally went to the hospital, because I don't want to die either, and I don't want that to be the legacy I leave. Even if Jc thinks I am a loser and anything else Matt also feels of me, I can't just give in to suicide. I have to just in case Jc wants or needs me, at any time. I have to make sure he NEVER thinks I didn't care, even if he never gets that I care more than anything. And I have to get rid of my fear about God not being there. That is NOT ok. that is never going to be ok. But I am slipping further and further and don't know how to stop it. I cry at least 3xs a day probably, I wan't to give in at least once a day, I hate myself every day, and I think that this can't be real and is gonna go back to normal anytime several times a day, and I feel completely incredulous and that this is all going to end in a horrible way the rest of the time, or I'm drunk and high. Even intoxicated I can only escape the reality very momentarily.
