How bad am I?

So after 21 years of marriage, going thru tons of hard times, angry words, hurt feelings, as well as great moments, incredible accomplishments, lots of laughs, meeting and making many friends, and loving each other, it's over. He is gone and has made it impossible at this time to ever think he even cared. The way he left, beginning a relationship with a 22 year old known to us and having her and her daughters things in our house, then denying and saying the most hurtful things, including that I bullied and beat him, while throwing our 12 yr old into a hell that has changed him and who he is, has left me a broken, scared, angry, untrusting, and miserable person. I have lost my entire inlaw family that has been in my life for half of my life, he threw away my family, including the niece that he has known and helped raise since three, and I am no longer the parent that I could be proud of. I had not been for a few years, as I slowly crawled back from the last surgery, (which he hates when I mention that) but I was improving. I am now all out of hope and happy. My son watches me cry non stop, and believe me, I try to stop. All my memories are tainted, and my beliefs lost. I now have to hear about what my son does with HoneyB and my husband. On top of her filing a restraining order against me, tho I have only seen her once in almost a year. He says he didn't want her too, but he did nothing to stop it. As well as filling her with the fear of my violence that just isn't so. I am trying to see a future, but all I see is failure and lies. All I feel is loss. Loss of my identity, and even more so, loss of my son. He is gone several days a week, and when he is here, he doesn't want to be. I don't blame him. I cry, there is no schedule anymore because I am always going to work or driving my bf around. Mosley, the bf, has zero respect for others, and is angry at me all the tiime. I ask him to stop calling me and Jd names, chill on the F bomb, be kind to our roomates, but as he says he loves me and that I am precious to him, even wants to marry me, he won't even stop the drinking that causes his behavior to worsen, and his moods to change rapidly. He physically hurts me by biting me hard, and demands any and all things w/o apology. I love him, he is a good guy with a lot of anger and zero empathy. Wtf is wrong with me? It's obvious I don't think that I am worth a **** anymore. I have lost my home and any say in it, even down to the way it looks. I have zero control about what is done even in my own bedroom. My car, home, and life are a complete disaster. He wants to make all the rules, plans for future and now, but can't seem to stop spending what money he makes on booze, pot, and vape juice. So, this comes down to me. And I let it keep going on and on because I have no self esteem left. I am paying all the bills, because my roomate had bank issues and he doesn't make or budget his money. I feel like a total door mat. Ha, Matt, that is the name of pain it seems. I know only I can change this, and JC is worth the world and more to me. I just know he wants to be at his Dad's with them and all the stuff I wanted for us, time wise. And that leaves me with even less than zero motivation. What a pity pot, I know. I am so tired of crying, so tired of hurting. Then add my mom's loss of reality, and her horrible living conditions. I can't think of what there is left to fight for. I am seriously low low low.