Life, luck, or providence? How about grateful!
Posted 01-29-2016 at 08:09 PM by Stymie13
Ok so my story is simple, and similar to many others (not belittling others, just myself).
Over the last few years, some of it very trying, I questioned my hardened belief. Not venomous against God per se, just no proof, no belief, zero, zippo. I had stopped the back and forth with others about 10 years ago and took the too each their own; ironically it worked. When spoken too about God, or religion (I do make a slight distinction, much for thread space but with the multitude of denominations, differences in mono vs poly, etc, etc, etc... I am lumping God to include of faith. Fair enough?) I'd politely say i was atheistic and, overwhelmingly, even the door knocking Jehovah's Witness and the bike riding Mormon Missionaries (I feel bad for them in summers here! Not for biking but in those clothes, gotta be miserable), my request to not listen was met with ok, but if you ever wanna talk, take this pamphlet. It promptly went in the garbage.
Now I was baptized catholic, even confirmed. Immediately after confirmation, the priest told my mom to get me away from the church. She wondered what her a..hole son had did this time. No, he said, that's not it. His questions, they are of the nature that will lead him down another path. That is ok, it's free will. He doesn't believe in God, and definitely not the rituals of the church. To try and force, it will cause future issues. Besides, we all question God at times in life. Let him find his own way. If it weren't a priest, she probably wouldn't have listened. Thankfully she did.
Most have heard 'there's no atheist in a foxhole'. I was. Even on my dog tags. I was after life threatening accidents, deaths, etc... Not that I thought God or religion as silly, or some of the venom, just no proof, and I closed that aspect of open mindedness off. Instead pursuing all the stuff I did: military, college, then gambling for a living, before returning back to the corporate world and doing some things... Industry doesn't matter but I was 'decent' at it, kept getting new positions I didn't apply for (I'd come back from a trip and the veep would say, I need you to implement this. I didn't apply? Yeah but you are good at it and the business owners and IT owners want you because you speak both languages. Ok). Ended up as a data scientist writing queries and also doing the analytics for forecasting, budgeting, trend... All those buzz words. Still an atheist, no creeping of faith or belief. This was a couple of years after the whole I.D. Blowup... To me it was an interesting idea but, upon further review... Had some serious flaws and 'taken out of context' aspects that turned me off. The one thing I DID respect about it, however, was skepticism about blind faith in science... Meaning a person reading an article in Nature or Living Science and then stating 'science, science...' I mean, one of the things I like about science is it picking itself apart for validity, vs just the echo chamber (which there is a lot of, in all aspects of humanity, religion, politics, science, sports teams, and Walking Daad fans, of course which I'm availutely in love with Maggie. Something about farm girls...).
What's all this have to do with providence, luck, life? How about grateful!
Simple. Through a series of events, some my own, I've been homeless since 10-11-2015. I went to an interview on 10-24, walked because I didn't have gas money, and when I got back, my truck was gone, along with my laptop, key to my storage unit... So I had clothes on my back. Great. And winter is almost here. Let's just say the next 90+ days haven't been the best (not sure if I would a got the job but that's an aside).
So I did what any reasonable person who now had to sell his house and list, or couldn't access his material possessions: used the little money I had left to try and drink enough so I wouldn't wake up. Darn body chemistry. 2 days later, still sick, but I was awake.
Then I started walking, and reading. Not the bible, not even theological books. Mostly about cats, and a couple about donkeys, and the spiritual connection between them. How it even lead a couple of the writers (atheists) on their search for God. And I walked a lot: 10, 15, sometimes 20 miles a day. As I did, I found myself praying, about weird things too. Notice, not meditating but praying. Why? Not sure. I'd see road rage... Honk, honk, you... Fill in the blank. I'd pray for those people to let it pass, relax. I should have been praying for food, or money, or shoes! I was wearing my croc flip flops and would get serious blisters. Never went to a shelter, not a foid line. I did steal a protein bar or 2 when I hadn't eaten for a couple of days, but, the more I prayed, just 'enough' to get me by would occur. I asked a farmer if I could sleep in his old dilapidated farm if I was out by daybreak. With a raised eyebrow, he said yes. There is an old car in there and guess what? 2 halfway decent jackets! So I wouldn't freeze. Sound stuff too, and not used but found a bag with new toothpaste and brush, soap and lotion, and even a very nice, brand new set of hair clippers! (I wear my hair very short). Found a notebook too so I journal everyday. I don't pan handle (not judging just not me) but I find all sorts of things, money included. But always, praying... Many times asking for forgiveness for cussing God out after getting rained on, or frost bite, because God didn't put me here, I did.
Ain't forgot: went to Mass on January 3rd and have been going back pretty much daily. Not for mass but for 5 to 20 minutes, silently and alone, praying and just thinking my thoughts with zero distraction. The one selfish thing I do pray for us to be a better listener.. Much of that flows out in my journaling.
Last Wednesday, as I was writing, it just came out on my paper to walk to my buddies house and say sorry for going ghost for 3 months. So I walked the 10 miles in the snow, was welcomed with a cup of coffee, and let me crash on his couch that night. Awesome! Before I left the next morning, he face me his old iPhone (oh yeah, I sold mine 3 months back) to be able to text. The very next day, I get an email and, low and behold, a week later (today) I got the key to my storage unit. Also my mail that was forwarded to another state. A small (seriously, small but something is better than nothing) and a letter about my truck and how I have till the 11th or it gets auctioned. I can't afford the fees but I can get the stuff in there: laptop, clothes, tools!!!
Do maybe it all just blind luck. Maybe it's providence!!! Explainable but easy to read as 'special'. I don't care. I am just grateful. Through my own self destruction, my friends still care, even with me walking away from everything, including myself. It appears I'll get most of my possessions back too. But, honestly, what I am happiest about, God never abandoned me even though I abandoned myself. Now I wish He would speak directly to me, tell me what to do, etc... All that miracle stuff. But that's not going to happen and that is perfectly ok. I know I haven't been walking alone this whole time, and I don't have to dissect, define, or even understand that I haven't been the one keeping me around.
Over the last few years, some of it very trying, I questioned my hardened belief. Not venomous against God per se, just no proof, no belief, zero, zippo. I had stopped the back and forth with others about 10 years ago and took the too each their own; ironically it worked. When spoken too about God, or religion (I do make a slight distinction, much for thread space but with the multitude of denominations, differences in mono vs poly, etc, etc, etc... I am lumping God to include of faith. Fair enough?) I'd politely say i was atheistic and, overwhelmingly, even the door knocking Jehovah's Witness and the bike riding Mormon Missionaries (I feel bad for them in summers here! Not for biking but in those clothes, gotta be miserable), my request to not listen was met with ok, but if you ever wanna talk, take this pamphlet. It promptly went in the garbage.
Now I was baptized catholic, even confirmed. Immediately after confirmation, the priest told my mom to get me away from the church. She wondered what her a..hole son had did this time. No, he said, that's not it. His questions, they are of the nature that will lead him down another path. That is ok, it's free will. He doesn't believe in God, and definitely not the rituals of the church. To try and force, it will cause future issues. Besides, we all question God at times in life. Let him find his own way. If it weren't a priest, she probably wouldn't have listened. Thankfully she did.
Most have heard 'there's no atheist in a foxhole'. I was. Even on my dog tags. I was after life threatening accidents, deaths, etc... Not that I thought God or religion as silly, or some of the venom, just no proof, and I closed that aspect of open mindedness off. Instead pursuing all the stuff I did: military, college, then gambling for a living, before returning back to the corporate world and doing some things... Industry doesn't matter but I was 'decent' at it, kept getting new positions I didn't apply for (I'd come back from a trip and the veep would say, I need you to implement this. I didn't apply? Yeah but you are good at it and the business owners and IT owners want you because you speak both languages. Ok). Ended up as a data scientist writing queries and also doing the analytics for forecasting, budgeting, trend... All those buzz words. Still an atheist, no creeping of faith or belief. This was a couple of years after the whole I.D. Blowup... To me it was an interesting idea but, upon further review... Had some serious flaws and 'taken out of context' aspects that turned me off. The one thing I DID respect about it, however, was skepticism about blind faith in science... Meaning a person reading an article in Nature or Living Science and then stating 'science, science...' I mean, one of the things I like about science is it picking itself apart for validity, vs just the echo chamber (which there is a lot of, in all aspects of humanity, religion, politics, science, sports teams, and Walking Daad fans, of course which I'm availutely in love with Maggie. Something about farm girls...).
What's all this have to do with providence, luck, life? How about grateful!
Simple. Through a series of events, some my own, I've been homeless since 10-11-2015. I went to an interview on 10-24, walked because I didn't have gas money, and when I got back, my truck was gone, along with my laptop, key to my storage unit... So I had clothes on my back. Great. And winter is almost here. Let's just say the next 90+ days haven't been the best (not sure if I would a got the job but that's an aside).
So I did what any reasonable person who now had to sell his house and list, or couldn't access his material possessions: used the little money I had left to try and drink enough so I wouldn't wake up. Darn body chemistry. 2 days later, still sick, but I was awake.
Then I started walking, and reading. Not the bible, not even theological books. Mostly about cats, and a couple about donkeys, and the spiritual connection between them. How it even lead a couple of the writers (atheists) on their search for God. And I walked a lot: 10, 15, sometimes 20 miles a day. As I did, I found myself praying, about weird things too. Notice, not meditating but praying. Why? Not sure. I'd see road rage... Honk, honk, you... Fill in the blank. I'd pray for those people to let it pass, relax. I should have been praying for food, or money, or shoes! I was wearing my croc flip flops and would get serious blisters. Never went to a shelter, not a foid line. I did steal a protein bar or 2 when I hadn't eaten for a couple of days, but, the more I prayed, just 'enough' to get me by would occur. I asked a farmer if I could sleep in his old dilapidated farm if I was out by daybreak. With a raised eyebrow, he said yes. There is an old car in there and guess what? 2 halfway decent jackets! So I wouldn't freeze. Sound stuff too, and not used but found a bag with new toothpaste and brush, soap and lotion, and even a very nice, brand new set of hair clippers! (I wear my hair very short). Found a notebook too so I journal everyday. I don't pan handle (not judging just not me) but I find all sorts of things, money included. But always, praying... Many times asking for forgiveness for cussing God out after getting rained on, or frost bite, because God didn't put me here, I did.
Ain't forgot: went to Mass on January 3rd and have been going back pretty much daily. Not for mass but for 5 to 20 minutes, silently and alone, praying and just thinking my thoughts with zero distraction. The one selfish thing I do pray for us to be a better listener.. Much of that flows out in my journaling.
Last Wednesday, as I was writing, it just came out on my paper to walk to my buddies house and say sorry for going ghost for 3 months. So I walked the 10 miles in the snow, was welcomed with a cup of coffee, and let me crash on his couch that night. Awesome! Before I left the next morning, he face me his old iPhone (oh yeah, I sold mine 3 months back) to be able to text. The very next day, I get an email and, low and behold, a week later (today) I got the key to my storage unit. Also my mail that was forwarded to another state. A small (seriously, small but something is better than nothing) and a letter about my truck and how I have till the 11th or it gets auctioned. I can't afford the fees but I can get the stuff in there: laptop, clothes, tools!!!
Do maybe it all just blind luck. Maybe it's providence!!! Explainable but easy to read as 'special'. I don't care. I am just grateful. Through my own self destruction, my friends still care, even with me walking away from everything, including myself. It appears I'll get most of my possessions back too. But, honestly, what I am happiest about, God never abandoned me even though I abandoned myself. Now I wish He would speak directly to me, tell me what to do, etc... All that miracle stuff. But that's not going to happen and that is perfectly ok. I know I haven't been walking alone this whole time, and I don't have to dissect, define, or even understand that I haven't been the one keeping me around.
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