wow

I knew better than to answer the phone to you today. This was a huge **** storm, with you saying you want me to visit you in new apt and build a new future together, to text yelling that I am prison raping you for wanting my half of the 401K, to begging me to please stop hurting you by wanting a lawyer, all while telling me you would dump her if I or JC wanted or needed you to, then back to spewing insults at me, and all this started with you waking me up in the morning by crawling into bed with me. And you tell me you love me? WTF is wrong with you? You came by to supposedly see JC finally today, but you didn't seem to really see him at all. Just wandered around house. I don't want this at all. I just want you to be honest with your feelings and actions at the same time. I don't want a lawyer, I don't want your money, I need security after my life was layed out and then destroyed. What I want most tho, is our family back and better than ever. I don't want to know you are looking at someone else, holding them, laughing with them, sharing dreams with them. I don't even know if you have dreams. You don't talk of any, and haven't but for a few rare times, since we met. I feel so alone and lost. I don't know how to not be yours either. That is what you decided, then tell me your not ready for me to be anybody elses. But you are with another and I can't stop the sick horrid feeling from my stomach that goes to my chest and then throat. BUT YOU ARE ONLY NICE IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, LIKE PAPERS SIGNED OR CONFIRMATION I AM MISERABLE. Then you attack again. Then you tell me things like I am the one you dream of, and I am the one you love, and I am beautiful and then, BOOM you say I'm greedy, and mean, and you just want away from me. I don't want to ever be against you, but if I really think about it, we never were on the same team were we? It was me and Jacobey, or you and porn, or me and my friends, or you and gaming, then me and Church, but again you and porn/gaming, then me and myself only while sick, then you and your phone and ultimately you and yet another known person to me. You never loved me, you couldn't have. It could have been love to you because it is the only way you know how to love, but that isn't love. It's horrible. I'm so so so so so so so broken and saddened and just hurt. Somehow you broke the little songbird's wings, a feather at a time, day after day, 20 years till you finished.