our truths are so different

How in the world can we see the same conversation, or the same actions so completely differently? If anything was to blame for this sad wasted 20 years, it would be this in my opinion. Communication. I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me. I say back, you hear forward. I say heavy, you hear light. I trusted that you would never take my son, you are taking him for half the time. You say You love me, all I see and feel is complete hatred and/or disregard. When I cry, it's annoying, when someone else cries, its a call for you to do something. How can you possibly think that after we decided I should stay home with our son, that OUR future was in OUR retirement, that you encouraged me to be submissive and trust you to take care of me/us and wanted me to rely on you for our nest egg, then up and leave after a year on drugs, which you claim is how long you have wanted to leave me, HOW IS THIS NOT SCREWING ME? HOW IS THIS NOT CHANGING MY ENTIRE LIFE AS WELL AS JACOBEY'S AND YOURS? You see it as changing for the better, but that is only for you? Why weren't we given the chance to fix things? I know you go back and forth from a year or 5 years, or ask to do things for the future just two weeks before you were done, yet you also say you were drawing up the papers for a month. What the hell? I don't understand any of this. Yes, we were both miserable since the end of last year. What was the last year full of? drugs I know that is the cause of my bahaviour in terms of gambling, getting too mad when I was trying to keep a schedule or family time and didn't control my yelling, and I want to say my paranoia about you leaving us and making sure I had no idea of our finances or had no income, but I was right on that. This also seemed to go downhill when I did pick up a few jobs. I can list the issues I think you had developed in the last year as well, but I know you would just debate them. Your temper and emotions were quite the roller coaster as well. You quick temper and bouts of depression where you were afraid of dying or losing me, or Jacobey are just some of them. Your coldness and mean words were at an all time high. Still are tho. I am paralyzed with the lies and I as well told them about money. You accused me again of being with another, which is simply NOT true, then you guarded your phone like it was the national treasure, while looking through mine. You found nothing, and I was never snooping, but again, like before, your accusations were what you were doing. You were NOT DONE WITH US, until you found someone you could lean on. That very moment, you were viciously done, and not fast enough. You then seem to enjoy the more and more you could hurt me. I say you seemed to enjoy it, because when I would tell you it hurt, you would continue and then walk away once I broke. Then keep tellling me you love me? Come on, then I want you NOT to love me, because all you claim to love are the ones you keep hurting, ignoring, speak lowly of, and don't put first. I was reading a letter the other day from you in 1995, and you wrote how you didn't even love your siblings, just Chris, but all you felt was sorry for them. That is what you say you feel for me, sorry. You should feel sorry for me now, and only now. I trusted you, even after betrayal after mean betrayal. I am however, still good for the one thing you seem to only value in me as a person. Sex. You can still have sex with me, but only on you terms, in the one hour a day that you are able to share with me. I'm so angry and hurt that I can no longer be home with our son, who is going through hell as well, because I must work now, and at an absolutely violent demeaning job at that, but you then threaten to take Jacobey from me because I can't find him to make sure he arrived at the boys and girls, which he did but said he couldn't call me, and I couldn't get a hold of them or leave to verify. So, I deserve to have you take him from me? I can't screen a roomate to have so I can keep from uprooting Jacobey's life in one more way, but you can have him sleeping on the ground next to your bed you share with someone else? Or it is ok for him to sleep in a room with two teenage girls? Or watch his Dad, married Dad, live with another while telling him to not tell me where what or how things are going on? But I can't have a roomate??????? It's not controlling tho. I can't let go of our future. I don't know how to not be your wife, even with all your anger toward me. I don't know how to face the fact that you don't and didn't love me. That you let this old **** be the reason. That you don't see me as being an equal, or even a part of the past 20 years. That I am of no importance and didn't work to make your college attainable while having a home, dog, cats, food, bills paid, free time with family, all while being a full time student. WHAT WAS I WORTH, NOTHING? My sins are many, my actions that caused you pain are as well. This is not me telling you its all your blame. I just apologize and change my behaviour when you communicate to me what is hurting you, or I try my best, and I listen and don't defend or turn it right back to you. But your hate for me still grew. To the extent of taking everything we worked for, I worked to keep, and it is only your decisions that matter. How am I supposed to feel that you ever loved me, or even comprehend that you still do? Come on, you treat me like I'm nothing but a *****, seem to think that this is ok at all, then chastise me for choking when I am trying to do only what I must in record time. The only comfort or sympathy you gave was when you pretended to think I was still beautiful and then wanted sex, but quickly hurt me right after even more by saying that it didn't mean anything. IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO BE COMFORTED AND THEN KICKED DOWN AGAIN. It hurts that you haven't included me in anything you have been doing in the past year or that everything you are doing is so against what you always said you were against. How her family, your family, your peers, mostly everyone in your life, all sit around and just act like all is hunkie dorie. Not a thought to the devastation behind it all. And you like to say that I am getting sympathy or playing the victim. I get sympathy from nobody, and It is not me that says I'm told to leave this marriage by another. Nor is it me that has played the victim in the last year, or shared intimate marital details with someone to get comfort. I HAVE ONE PERSON I TALK TO, and she is only told how I'm feeling or my fears. I am and have been in your corner against any and all till now. I have been scarred beyond belief, and in the end, you may have the result you say you wish for, yet for Jacobey you don't. I may disappear, which again was a huge sacrifice I was willing to do ONLY to have you two together, and I saw no way. I am losing it more and more each day tho, and you know me so well, you know exactly how to make that happen and do a good job at pushing my emotional buttons. Screwing with my head, causing pain while knowing I am terrified about losing my son, and heartbroken over losing my family, the one shot I had. The fact that standing up for me has been something you claim to do, but I never saw evidence of it, but see how much you protect the ones you were supposed to leave whlle joining me, again shows no love. My regrets will always haunt me, my love for you and desire to have kept us as a family will never end. Not on my part, but that was a pipe dream that in the end, I had no control over. In the beginning, I was set up to fail. Had I never screwed around while you were at sea, I believe this was the end result anyways, because I was not a love, just a need. Jacobey will have new siblings, I have no doubt, and that will be something I will also be brought to my knees by, but again, I was always honest with you on my fertility issues as well as my transgressions, and your part was to be HONEST in these areas on acceptance and forgiveness. You knew you didn't forgive me, tho claiming to, which then dragged out to my prime years, while being shined on and pacified. I was never your paradise or girl. I was how you weren't alone. I know you said to me that you were alwyas alone even when surrounded by people. I can't believe, How this turned out. I am broken beyond believe...l truly been abandoned by the one person I felt finally did and would love me till the end. The end is here, and I feel nothing of love.