Vitriol

Today was extra hard. Jacobey asked me to go to church with him today. He asked on Friday and I shined him on, but then again on Saturday. I didn't want to go even a little bit. I have told 3 people in the last 6 weeks that I could go to church anywhere, but I needed to keep Connected a somewhat safe place for you and Jacobey. I feel that is so important for him, especially right now. I also want you to have a place where you have people you consider friends, and that aren't interacting with me, therefore letting you do and say whatever you need to. BUT HE BEGGED ME to go, and so I did for him. I told him you wouldn't go if I was there, and he laughed, said, "oh, I know my Dad. He will be there and I will bet you $5. Nobody really knows you tho. I feel I know you better than anyone, and it is still hard to say I really know you at all. I also know you will become what you want to be for who you want to be that person for when it suits you. You don't really care most of the time about others in the immediate presence of you, just forever missing who isn't there, till they are. You have now latched on to someone that you can completely manipulate, and it sickens my stomach. I know that you are now a different person than ever, and used my illness to control me. Convincing me to once again believe in you, then use my surgery and recovery against me to be rid of what was no longer use to you. The worst part tho, is what you are doing and have done to our son. Convincing him what you have convinced yourself of for your own purpose. I REFUSE TO TELL HIM ANYTHING BUT GOOD, as well as tell him that it doesn't make me feel good for him to call you names. He just wants to please us both, and you won't stop putting him in the middle by telling him for years what to think of me. You erased the memory of who I am to him, while using my trust and your manipulation and badgering to hurt me, get the reaction you wanted, then, and I quote from your mean unloving mouth, "bury me!" Stop lying to yourself, and trying to lie to others. You never loved me, and you will probably use her longer just to prove me wrong in saying you won't. But then, that is because of all your words previously about her, not mine. And I know you, well, I know how you do things. I don't know you and never did. The person that I called husband at least loved me, if nothing else. He was going to love me forever and I was adored after the internet and games anyways. I was his #2, and his Jenny. That was all an illusion you created, and I was just the one that was in the position to believe you and your two steppin' good background, sweet, patient, LOYAL, overnight do you right male whole new world bull****. It wasn't long before I saw how it was only true when you wanted it to be. I couldnt kiss your little girl loving, old pervert, emotionally immature, using, lying, cheating, fake, bible using, materialistic, evil, disgusting lips ever again. I don't even want to think of you existing, or that you were ever anything I had carried hope in the future for. Everything is and will always be a video game to you, and i have no memories now that aren't completely tainted and soured knowing what I know now. The biggest thing I know tho, is that I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT, AND SPENT MY HAPPIEST YEARS LIVING WITH A FALSE IDENTITY as your wife. HOW COULD YOU DRAG JACOBEY into this? You picked THE WORST time in his adolescence and learning who he is and what is right and wrong to turn his world upside down completely. That seemed better to you than just leaving back to KS? Of course, you wouldn't have the satisfaction of completely destroying me that way. Hurting so many people that love you, as well as creating new problems with others. You are lucky in the fact that I am still the person that I was deep down, and will NOT put you down or let others in my presence or JCs. I know you don't believe that, but it has always been that way. I may complaing about things to some, but always defended you to anyone else, UP TILL THE LAST MOMENT. WHICH WAS last week. I now just hurt at the loss of the last 20 years, and the worthlessness I feel as a Wife, Mom, and inlaw that loved and gave to your clan much more than ever recieved. I will never forgive what you have done to our son. What you will never see or admit to doing to so many, including myself, and I see it only getting worse. I can't think of going into this battle you have started and dominated against you. I hurt and feel so wrong just for inquiring about what I should do with a lawyer. it feels so wrong to not be on the same side with you. You won't even talk to me about our son, and the co-parenting was just another way you were attempting to manipulate the situation. I want him to see you, even tho you poison him with your blatent hypocrisy and materialistic reward system, on top of confusing him while taking away his security and kicking me while I'm down so I fall apart from heartbreak. He loves you so much, angry or not, and I want him to be happy. I hope and pray you will not continue to show him that he is not worth any sacrifice. That you want to be with him even if there are things you have to do that don't fit into your new life. I just think what you are doing to me, in regards to him, and him is the cruelest most hurtful dark hearted, or no heart at all, thing possible. i didn't deserve this, and you will end up, in your eyes, the winner of the takedown. I have no choice but to spend every minute I can loving him and showing him he is adored and precious to me, all while he is treating me badly out of his anger and loss of his family as well. I know that VITRIOL and self loathing makes this all the easier for you to paing me as something I'm not, but what does that matter now? I was only who you happened to be in Matt's world when he needed someone to be distracted by. You have and will remain, the King of getting your way while causing the most pain.